EAGAN AT THE MOVIES
Reviewing Movies Because We Care
Since 2010, and Still Unpaid!
You, Me, & Tuscany by James Eagan ★★★ out of ★★★★★
Image: Look at these beautiful people, going to beautiful places, and doing beautiful things, meanwhile my single ass watching "You, Me, & Tuscany" alone!
"She came for the pasta and got lost in the sauce". I think that tagline alone should tell you all you need to know about this movie, along with if it's going to work for you. Easiest review ever!
"You, Me, & Tuscany" follows former aspiring cook turned always financially struggling house-sitter, "Anna" (Halle Bailey) as she has an almost fling with the wealthy, "Matteo" (Lorenzo de Moor), who reveals to her his mostly abandoned Tuscan villa. Anna, who has always wanted to travel to Italy (And is literally lost in life at the moment), decides to travel to the villa, expecting to be left alone for a week to pretend to live some kind of good life. However, Anna ends up running into Matteo's family, who mistakes her for being Matteo's fiancé. Anna now finds herself stuck in a web of well-intentioned, but over-piling lies that only gets more complicated when she slowly starts to fall for Matteo's hunky cousin, "Michael" (Regé-Jean Page).
Directed by Kat Coiro ("Marry Me", "She-Hulk: Attorney at Law"), with a screenplay by Ryan Engle ("Rampage", "Beast", "The Commuter"....You went from over the top action movies to this?), "You, Me, & Tuscany" is a movie that's made for a very specific, proudly undemanding audience. And this might come as a surprise to you, but I'm not part of that audience. With that said, it's nice to report that in spite of its corny, preposterous silliness, it's better than it has any real right to be. It's a nice looking film, and that's even with the occasional artificial feeling, with lovely locations and an impeccable love for the setting. Aside from a moment of odd green screen from time to time (And the fact that this might be the cleanest movie I've ever seen), it all plays into the Rom-Com fantasy that the film seems to be embracing with open arms. The plot, the situations and scenarios, and how everyone reacts to them are intentionally unrealistic and goofy. However, that's what the people want, and thankfully, it's never particularly annoying about it. On the downside, it's also too predictable and doesn't quite have the same amount of laughs that better Rom-Coms can have. If anything, it's too sugary and safe.
Luckily, the cast is really freakin likable all around, with none of the characters acting with bad intent. Halle Bailey has charm and cuteness to spare, making for an instantly appealing, sympathetic lead, while having solid chemistry with Regé-Jean Page (Who never takes himself too seriously). They're both certainly the main draw, though the ones who steal the movie end up being much of the supporting cast. This includes a really funny Marco Calvani (as "Lorenzo", a friendly taxi driver that befriends Anna, and somehow always seems to have a sandwich ready), along with Isabella Ferrari (as "Garbiella", Matteo's excitable mother), Paolo Sassanelli (as "Vincenzo", Matteo's seemingly judgmental, but surprisingly observant father), Stefani Casini (as Matteo's suspicious Nonna), and Lorenzo de Moor (Who could have easily been made out to be a jerk or an antagonistic, but is shown to be an admittedly immature, though very pleasant guy). The movie does seem to rely on improvisation a bit too much at times, such as with Aziza Scott (as "Claire", Anna's sassy, catchphrase tossing best friend), who only briefly pops up, though one old white lady in my theater thought she was the funniest character she'd ever seen (Laughing her ass off a couple minutes after a scene had already ended). One of the downsides about having an endearing cast of characters is that at some point you start to realize that the conflict itself can only go down two routes, which is either through forced drama or by people acting rationally. The only real shock in the film is that it chooses to do the latter, which while relieving, also only adds to the film's light fluffiness.
"You, Me, & Tuscany" is short, sweet, forgettable, inoffensive, and completely accomplishes its light-hearted goals without much issue. The target demographic is going to leave happy and heartwarmed, while the cynical are going to leave likely as cynical as they were the moment they walked into the theater. It's alright for what it is and lets you know right off the bat that if you're not up to a wacky, impossibly romantic, and disposable trip to a lovely place, with a pair of sexy stars and a charming supporting cast, then it's best to cancel your tickets now. 3 Stars. Rated PG-13 For Adult-Ish Content, Obligatory Shirtless Ab Focused Scenes, And The Idea Of A Local Plumber Named Luigi Going Around Town And Sleeping With Everyone's Wives (Pretty Amusing Running Gag). "Wahoo!" Indeed.
The Super Mario Galaxy Movie by James Eagan ★★★ out of ★★★★★
Image: About to drop the sickest rap album known to man. And dinosaur.
Guys! It's a "Mario" movie. It's nothing to get THIS bent out of shape over. Of course, longtime fans of the beloved video game are going to be a little overly defensive and it's not not unbecoming for anyone without much connections to the games to be left bewildered and even a little annoyed. However, some of you critics are insane. Tossing out "Zero Star" ratings, calling it the downfall of cinema due to its inevitable upcoming success, and even one critic claiming that it's "worse than AI". It's funny how plenty of critics are willing to give free passes to lazy kids movies because they're, well, for kids, yet for some reason THIS is where they draw the line. Let's all be real for a second. It's no better or worse than a "Minions" movie. Except this has Yoshi and Star Fox. That automatically makes it a little more worth it.
Based on the "Nintendo" video games and following up after the events of the first film, "The Super Mario Galaxy Movie" follows former plumber brothers turned heroes, "Mario" (Chris Pratt) and "Luigi" (Charlie Day) having rescued "Princess Peach" (Anya Taylor-Joy) and the "Mushroom Kingdom" from the tyrannical "Bowser" (Jack Black), who is now imprisoned. Mario and Luigi also find an unexpected new friend in the form of a lovable, green dinosaur-like creature named "Yoshi" (Donald Glover, doing only high-pitched Yoshi sounds) right before Peach and one of the kingdom's talking mushrooms, "Toad" (Keegan-Michael Key), leave to find the missing cosmic "Princess Rosalina" (Brie Larson), who Peach might have a familial connection with. However, it turns out Rosalina has been kidnapped by Bowser's bratty, equally tyrannical son, "Bowser Jr." (Benny Safdie), who attacks the Mushroom Kingdom to take his father back. Now the Mario Bros., along with Yoshi, find themselves on an intergalactic adventure to save the universe from Bowser Jr.'s goal of reuniting with his father and conquering everything.
Directed by the returning Aaron Horvath and Michael Jelenic ("Teen Titans Go!"), with a screenplay by the also returning Matthew Fogel ("Minions: The Rise of Gru", "The LEGO Movie 2: The Second Part"), "The Super Mario Galaxy Movie" (Which has heavy inspiration from "Super Mario Galaxy", mixed with other aspects of the franchise and even other Nintendo properties) takes all of the cold, hard cash that "Illumination" and "Nintendo" made off the first "Super Mario Bros. Movie" and pours all of it into a sugary bowl of gorgeous visuals, incredible animation, and lots of Easter Eggs and references. As for everything else....That's secondary.
If you came for deep characters, a well defined screenplay, and anything realistically logical, then you came to the wrong place. For what the film gets right, it's spectacular. Just like the first film, it looks just like the games and follows the rules of them as well, complete with its own form of logic (Power-Ups, unexplained abilities, and toy box looking locations) and finds room for so much for any age range of fan to recognize. As for the animation though, this is Illumination at their best. Colorful, full of life, and with such a grand sense of scale (Looking breathtaking in IMAX), making for some genuinely creative, well thought out sequences of cartoonish chaos. This includes a drawn out battle in a square-shaped casino (Where gravity means nothing), a chase with a realistically designed T-Rex (Literally padding, but boy does it look cool), and a climactic showdown on the fiery, theme park based Planet Bowser that shifts back and forth between 3D and homages to the classic 2D days of the franchise. Not to mention,the spectacle is only further brought to life by the returning Brian Tyler (Mixing the old musical themes of the franchise with a cinematic edge).
Illumination always feels like an animator's dream come true, where they can go wild with their craft, though as usual, that always seems to come at the expense of everything else (One wonders how long the written screenplay actually was due to how little actual conversation there is between characters). The film moves from elaborate set piece to set piece, with little time to slow down thanks to an almost break-neck pace that will straight up rip your arm clean off if you can't keep up with it. I know the first film worked a little like this too. However, it does feel like the references and visuals are the driving force (At times seeming more like a distraction), and while there are some good laughs, even big ones, it's not as funny as the first film.
The characters are likable (Much like their game counterparts), but are still relatively simple and very few of them are given much development (With the exception of probably Peach and Bowser). Chris Pratt has come a little more into his own as Mario, though remains the least remarkable of the voice cast. This is especially compared to the likes of Charlie Day (Still sounding like he's having a lot of fun), Any Taylor-Joy, and Keegan-Michael Key, who all do their jobs well. Meanwhile, Yoshi is undeniably adorable and instantly endearing, along with the gag of Donald Glover literally just being cast to make sounds getting a few chuckles and is made better by the fact that he's really thrown himself into it. There are some other fun supporting voices, from the still scene-stealing Kevin Michael Richardson (as "Kamek", Bowser's loyal, constantly abused advisor) and Luis Guzmán (as "Wart", a Jabba the Hutt-like gangster).
Brie Larson also gives a very wonderful, heartfelt performance that's frustratingly underused due to how little screentime the character has, while an absolutely perfectly cast Glen Powell (as "Fox McCloud", the rogue-ish hero of the seemingly forgotten "Star Fox" franchise, who has found himself trapped in another universe) brings back a beloved character in a way that made the little kid in me very, very happy (We haven't had a new "Star Fox" game in a decade, and even that was just a remake). It's no shock that the film's strongest aspect ends up being the still hilarious, yet menacing Jack Black and an equally threatening, though absurdly childish Benny Safdie. They work as capable, scary villains, who also happen to be a sincerely loving father and son, with their bond being surprisingly heartwarming in spite of the fact that they basically plot to destroy the galaxy for petty, immature reasons. Bowser even gets a really funny amount of reverse character development, where it seems like he's on the verge of redeeming himself, only to be corrupted by Bowser Jr. (Serving as a little devil on his shoulder), though still in an oddly endearing way because of their sweetly sinister relationship.
Nonsensical and gorgeously animated, "The Super Mario Galaxy Movie" embraces style over substance, which will be plenty for some and will leave others wanting so much more. With some stunning spectacle and a few standout voices (Such as Black, Safdie, Powell, and a severely underutilized Larson), but nonexistent pacing, lesser humor than the first, and little to no actual depth, it will certainly make the excitable kids (And the excitable grown men) happy and that's all that really matters I suppose. With that said, when something like the "Sonic the Hedgehog" movies can work as family friendly blockbusters with nostalgic fanservice, yet still can offer plenty of character and heart to go with it, this feels a bit more disposable. Enjoyable, lovingly crafted junk food. Not much else. 3 Stars. Rated PG For Cartoon Violence, A Few Surprisingly Scary Images, And Plenty Of Yoshi Vore.
I Love Boosters by James Eagan ★★★★ out of ★★★★★
Image: This movie takes place in the same universe as that terrible live-action "Cat in the Hat". I will not elaborate further.
I'm not entirely sure that I'd like to live in any of the worlds that Boots Riley has created. They always seem so chaotic and hazardous to your health. I mean, "Sorry to Bother You" had Danny Glover speaking with the voice of Steve Buscemi and people being turned into horses by a coked up Armie Hammer (Okay, that second part might be real). Those kinds of things are normal compared to this universe that looks like a dying unicorn vomited all the colors of the rainbow (And a few extra ones) all over everything and everyone, and that's just the tip of the insanity. It's absolutely delightful!
Inspired by the song, "I Love Boosters!" by Boots Riley's band, "The Coup", "I Love Boosters" follows a group of shoplifters, known as "The Velvet Gang", who steal high-end designer clothes and resell them at a lower price for the community. The gang, made up of "Corvette" (Keke Palmer), "Sade" (Naomi Ackie), and "Mariah" (Taylour Paige), decide to target a renowned, excessively cruel fashion mogul, "Christie Smith" (Demi Moore), planning to steal clothing from her designer stores. The Velvet Gang soon comes across a Chinese factory worker, "Jianhu" (Poppy Liu), who introduces them to a device that will change the course of their lives entirely, along with a retail worker, "Violetea" (Eiza González), looking to ignite a unionized revolution and a mysterious "Pinky Ring Guy" (LaKeith Stanfield), who Corvette can't help but stare longingly into the eyes of. We're gonna be vague about this one. Granted, you'd probably think I was making half of this sh*t up if I told you.
Written and directed by Boots Riley ("Sorry to Bother You", "I'm a Virgo"), "I Love Boosters" is a descent into colorful, anti-capitalist chaos that boasts so many smart, funny, and incredibly creative concepts that you really don't care if you find yourself getting lost in the jumbled anarchy. Boots Riley (Who popped up at my early screening, wearing the greatest silly hat I've ever seen in my life, looking like a humanoid cowboy Cat in the Hat), is clearly relishing how much more leeway he's been given, allowing for visuals that range from the bizarrely abstract or aggressively political to, uh, whatever the Hell caused the conception of those stop-motion creations in the film's outlandish last act. It makes the film entirely unpredictable, and while one can possibly argue its more random and nonsensical than genuinely insightful (Can't it be all of the above?), it's so much damn fun that you're disappointed that this wonderfully wacked out and whimsical journey. Everything has this artificially saturated, Pee-Wee's Playhouse-like aesthetic, with superimposed green screen, heavy use of models and practical effects, and that's all exactly the point. These mismatched artistic designs make every scene feel just surreal and outlandish enough to keep your attention, with the obvious hard work from the production designers being visible in every shot. However in spite of the zaniness, it's a world that feels alive and leaves one to always question what's actually a step above the crazy or what could just be someone's own psyche messing with them. The score from Tune-Yards only enhances this kind of exuberance, along with a thoroughly committed cast that knows just how to make it feel somewhat real.
Keke Palmer, who is no stranger to strange dark comedy, gives one of her best performances yet in a role that has to have both a sympathetic, dramatic edge to go with the cartoonish characters surrounding her (And eventually coming to terms with the fact that she's just as absurd as the rest of them), along with a terrific Naomi Ackie (Who really has consistently become a standout in everything she's in) and Taylour Paige (Who gets the least amount to do of the trio, though makes up for it with her very screen presence). Poppy Liu is a delight, while Demi Moore (Rocking the blonde) is having a ball playing the most reprehensible of wealthy corporate monsters that is still somehow more realistic than the actual reprehensible of wealthy corporate monsters we have in real life. LaKeith Stanfield's entire existence in the film (And the hilariously disturbing places the film seems to take him) makes for one of the film's weirdest inclusions. We get some laugh out loud supporting roles for Will Poulter (as "Grayson", the bafflingly eccentric boss of one of Christie's designer stores) and Don Cheadle (as "Dr. Jack", an obvious conman, who runs the most literal pyramid scheme ever that everyone around Corvette somehow still falls for) in the most ridiculous wig, fatsuit, and prosthetics you've ever seen, while Eiza González downright steals the movie (Delivering some seemingly random, yet entirely well thought out exposition involving a literal plot device, while completely stoned).
While it may come across as too out there and too unserious to some (Even more so than "Sorry to Bother You"), "I Love Boosters" is hysterical, yet has something to say at its core, hitting on powerful, relevant themes of union and working class hardships and the neverending anxiety that comes from wanting to achieve your artistic goals (Which are intentionally held back due to the corporate ladder). It's also just another reason why Boots Riley is truly the kind of artist that's impossible to replicate and undeniably fascinating to see at work every time. 4 Stars. Rated R For Strong Adult Content, Surprisingly Horrifying Imagery, Stop-Motion Monstrosities, And Creature Cunnilingus.
Project Hail Mary by James Eagan ★★★★★ out of ★★★★★
Image: When your only other job is "Beach", but now you've been upgraded to "Space".
I feel like I just got slapped in the face. Like in a hard way that made my head go flying backward. It was one hell of a smack, and believe it or not, I was happy to be on the receiving end. I didn't think much of this movie from the trailers and ads. Even when I heard the early, very positive buzz, I still didn't see the hype. However, experiencing this movie, on an IMAX screen, with the best sound possible, felt like the film physically came out and b*tch slapped me so hard that it gave me whiplash. Shut me up instantly.
Based on the 2021 book by Andy Weir (Who also wrote "The Martian", which the acclaimed film of the same name was based on), "Project Hail Mary" opens with middle school science teacher, "Dr. Ryland Grace" (Ryan Gosling), waking up aboard an international spacecraft. Flashbacks reveal that Grace had been forced to be a part of the "Hail Mary" project, run by "Eva Stratt" (Sandra Hüller), which is meant to send a team on a one-way mission to space to collect data that should help save the Earth from a catastrophic global cooling brought upon by the Sun (And many other stars) dying via deadly microorganisms (Don't ask for the scientific details, because I don't get it and neither will you). Now alone, Grace meanders through the galaxy until he comes across a mysterious alien vessel, which is piloted by another lone traveler, a rock based alien that Grace names "Rocky" (Voiced and puppeteered by James Ortiz). It turns out that Rocky is on the same mission for his own home world, with Grace and Rocky teaming up to save both worlds from apocalypse. Along the way, this unlikely duo forms a friendship that transcends galaxies as they set out to achieve the seemingly impossible.
Directed by Phil Lord and Christopher Miller ("Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs", the "21 Jump Street" movies, "The LEGO Movie", and the creators behind the "Spider-Verse" films"), with a screenplay by Drew Goddard ("Cloverfield", "The Martian", "World War Z") that was almost six years in the making, "Project Hail Mary" is a definitive long shot sort of movie because in theory, it really shouldn't work. Lord and Miller have completely stepped out of their usual comfort zone to give us a sweeping, funny, remarkably intelligent, and heartfelt Sci-Fi adventure that kind of has something for everyone. It works as a genuine thrilling scientific space epic, as well as an easily accessible film for the movie-going family public, and a surprise buddy movie. In a way, it reminds one of last year's "Sinners" in a sense that it transcends its popcorn movie roots, balancing various tones and genres, in an effort to become 2026's first must see IMAX experience. Lord and Miller's direction is fast paced, dosed with a bit of warm humor, and always full of heart. The visuals are absolutely stunning, going from the cold, gray feeling of Earth to the endless, seemingly nothingness of space that evolves into a world of colors and life that's impossible to explain. Goddard's screenplay balances the technical with the digestible, explaining the intricate science of it all in a way that doesn't leave the rest of us uneducated dumbasses lost in the void. It's thanks to the relatable human characters, universal themes, and the fact that the movie is also often very funny, which makes this journey into the unknown one that's well worth it.
Ryan Gosling, who is slowly becoming one of my favorite actors, absolutely shines in his most (And I use this term in a hilariously ironic way) down to Earth role. Gosling brings so much likability and sensibility to the role, being understandably out of his element, yet also proves to be the hero needed when the time comes, even if he doesn't realize it himself. It's an excellent balance between earnest, comedic, and very human. A wonderful Sandra Hüller proves to be the film's most complex character, who is hard to completely decipher at face value (She conveys so much with the simplest expressions). There are standout supporting roles for the likes of Lionel Boyce (as "Carl", a security guard that Grace befriends), along with Ken Leung and Milana Vayntrub (as other intended members of the mission, before things take a dramatically distressing turn). However, the one everyone will be talking about (And for good reason) is Rocky. A character that could have gone so wrong in the worst hands, Rocky is a lovable, delightfully strange creation that gives the film even more heart, changing the film's very mission the moment he comes on screen. Brought to life with a mix of CGI and practical effects, mixed with James Ortiz' energetic voice work, this faceless, spider-like rock creature never once feels out of place or disrupts the film's sense of drama. If anything, he only further elevates it. What at first begins as a story about self-survival becomes one of sacrifice and a reminder of the relationships that we all should strive to fight for, even at the expense of ourselves.
"Project Hail Mary" is a film that I went into not expecting much of anything from. From the off-kilter score from Daniel Pemberton (The "Spider-Verse" films), to the breathtaking cinematography by Oscar winning Greig Fraser (The "Dune" films, "The Batman"), along with Goddard's affectionate screenplay and of course, Lord and Miller's stellar, uncompromising direction, I absolutely adored it. It's like a warm, comforting hug in the cold, brutal vastness of space that not only tells you that maybe things just might work out in the end (Despite the bleakness) and even gives you a few laughs along the way. Rocky for president! 5 Stars. Rated PG-13 For Slight Adult Content, Frightening Moments, Plenty Of Tearjerking And Heart-String Pulling, And Fisting Of Bumps.
Ready or Not 2: Here I Come by James Eagan ★★★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: Would it be weird to admit I had a dream like this once?
I find it funny (And fitting) that once the guys who brought us the previous rejuvenated entries in the "Scream" franchise decided to leave, we instead got easily the worst "Scream" movie yet. Still one of the biggest balls dropped in recent memory.
Following up directly after the events of the first film, "Ready or Not 2: Here I Come", "Grace MacCaullay" (Samara Weaving) just narrowly escaped the worst wedding ever, which revealed that her husband to be and future in-laws were actually part of a devil worshiping cult that attempted to sacrifice her in a ritualistic, bloody game of "Hide and Seek" (Long story short. Grace won and everyone blew up for failing to kill her). Unable to explain the debacle, Grace is due for some questioning while in the hospital and even gets an unexpected/unwanted reunion with her estranged sister, "Faith" (Kathryn Newton). Meanwhile, it turns out that this cult goes much higher up in the wealthy and influential food chain, with the main head of the cult, "Chester Danforth" (David Cronenberg), alerting his son "Titus" (Shawn Hatosy) and daughter "Ursula" (Sarah Michelle Gellar), that their lawyer (Elijah Wood), is going to arrange for a gathering of all the families in the cult for another "Double or Nothing" game. Grace and Faith are captured and brought before the council, allowing Grace a chance to either earn her place as the head of the cult (And save both herself along with her sister). However, whoever on the council successfully kills Grace, will become the new head of the cult (Or risk the chance at meeting the same explosive fate as Grace's former in-laws). Thus begins a bigger, badder Hide and Seek for all the marbles.
Directed by the returning Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett (Who both directed "Abigail", along with the fifth and sixth "Scream" films), with a screenplay from their frequent collaborators Guy Busick and R. Christopher Murphy, "Ready or Not 2: Here I Come" retains the first film's joyfully violent and hilarious sense of twisted fun, even if it's hard to conclusively say that a sequel was particularly necessary. The plot more or less follows similar beats to the first one, though on a bigger scale with higher stakes. It's difficult to get that same level of surprise a second time, especially when you're admittedly recycling many of the similar elements from last time. However, Bettinelli-Olpin and Gillett have the needed love for the violently crazy to make it all work a second time. In spite of the familiar proceedings, there is so much twisted creativity behind them, with darkly goody sense of humor that balances the laughs with the genuine horror (And that's also with the horror aspect being a bit more toned down this time). Mixed with a smart screenplay, we get some cleverly done sequences of gory stabbings and of course, explosively bloody goodness.
Much of what works about the film is that the entire cast has thoroughly committed to the absurdity. Samara Weaving returns in top form, though is accompanied by a wonderfully spunky Kathryn Newton (I can definitely see them as sisters). The two of them make for a terrific scream queen duo, with pitch perfect chemistry, balancing out the familial bickering with the colorful banter. We get dastardly good work from Sarah Michelle Gellar and a very menacing Shawn Hatosy (Who become the film's most unsettling character), along with a lively ensemble the consists of Néstor Carbonell (as "Ignacio", a poorly equipped member of the cult hunting Grace and Faith), Olivia Cheng (as "Wan Chen Xing", a member of the hunters, looking for alternatives to winning the head seat), Varun Saranga (as "Madhu", easily the most incompetent of the cult, who has no business being there in the first place), and a hysterically brief appearance from Kevin Durand (as "Bill Wilkinson", a member of the cult that's too coked up to realize breaking the rules is a bad idea). Elijah Wood looks like he's having a blast with his deadpan reactions to all the carnage, along with David Cronenberg's pretty amazing cameo.
"Ready or Not 2: Here I Come" is a giddily gruesomely good time. Thanks to professional direction, a delightfully deadly screenplay, and excellent camaraderie from both Weaving and Newton, who are both worth the price of admission as it is, it doesn't quite stand out as much as the original, yet offers just the right amount of demented thrills to make for another good round of this sick game. Rated R For Gratuitous Gore, Samara Weaving's Blood Soaked Wedding Dress (Never Seen Something Go From Pure White To Pure Red Like That), And Stupid Satanists.
Undertone by James Eagan ★★★★ out of ★★★★★
Image: When you realize that your first mistake was becoming a podcaster in the first place.
Too many horror movies get the idea that loud is scary. Whether it's the music, the sounds, the screams, or that one telegraphed dramatic sting meant to get a quick jump out of you (You know the one I'm talking about. The one usually followed by a fake out, generally with a cat), they've never been particularly frightening to me. Most of the time, they're better used to mess with the audience rather than actually scare them. You wanna know what's really terrifying? Those quiet, soft, subtle sounds that you're not entirely sure you heard or not, leaving you unable to tell if what you thought you heard was real or was just your mind toying with you. That and demons. You can always rely on those demons.
"Undertone" follows "Evy" (Nina Kiri), who hosts a podcast with her friend, "Justin" (Voiced by Adam DiMarco), where they investigate paranormal activity, with Justin being the true believer and Evy being the skeptic. Evy has been recording from the home of her religious, dying mother (Michèle Duquet), who she has been caring for and has only solidified her cynicism, prompting her to almost completely isolate herself. When Evy and Justin are sent a collection of mysterious recordings from an unknown e-mail address, which follow a married couple (Voiced by Keana Lyn Bastidas and Jeff Yung) experiencing their own paranormal phenomena, Evy's own paranoia start to get the better of her and cause her to question her own beliefs despite remaining insistent there's an explanation for it. When the recordings only start to get more and more disturbing, things only can escalate from there.
Written and directed by Ian Tuason, "Undertone" is the definition of small scale, small budget, minimalist horror that preys on the fears of the unknown that we all have, and boy is it effectively unsettling. It's amazing how easily this could have fallen apart in the wrong hands. The film only has one real location, follows generally one character that we see physically (With all other supporting parts portrayed via offscreen voice over), and moves at a slower pace, where it almost appears that nothing much is happening for the film's first half. However, Tuason's smart, subtle direction genuinely creates a dark, moody atmosphere where you are left wondering if you are just seeing and hearing things, much like the main character believes, in spite of the fact that, well, this is a horror movie (So that means that there's definitely something going on).
It reminds one of the "Paranormal Activity" movies, except done right. The quiet ambiance only serves as a dark prelude to the nightmare that's about to unfold, and while it doesn't offer too much in terms of story (It's very simple and perfectly clocks in at barely an hour and a half), there is so much that you can read into throughout. This can come from what's in the background, or how the characters act, leaving you thoroughly disturbed, yet also kind of warrants multiple viewings. The film plays into what you can hear and what you think you're hearing. For example, have you ever heard someone tell you that if you can hear secret, demonic messages if you play recordings of old childhood songs backwards. At first, you probably think it's nothing. However, when that person tells you what they hear and you listen again, you just might be gaslighted into thinking you're hearing the same thing. Tuason cleverly integrates much of that into the film's sound design and cinematography, and I'm not sure if what I thought I was seeing or hearing was even there. It's that hint of doubt in your own skepticism that's the most frightening.
Nina Kiri carries the film very well, especially since she's almost entirely the only person we ever see. She has the right amount of understandable cynicism that is repeatedly pushed until she straight up has to lie to herself about what terror is about to unfold in front of her. Kiri's performance is mostly physical, creating a complex lead that you're not entirely sure of, particularly as it goes along. The audio itself feels like a character. It can be soft one moment, then drastically booming the next. It only proves that nothing is scarier than what you can't see, leaving your easily manipulated mind to fill in the blanks (Be honest. We're all human and could stumble right into this kind of haunted situation).
A satanic sensation of sound. "Undertone" is a devilishly scary and ingeniously unsettling ordeal of auditory suspense and those inner fears that we choose to hide within, allowing them to fester into a demonic form. Creepy as Hell, and tactically intelligent, leaving one with a lot of questions and little answers, though not necessarily in a bad way. Perhaps the answers would be more frightening than we could possibly handle and this dour ambiguity is in a way our only source of solace. This is gonna f*ck some people up! 4 Stars. Rated R For Scary Sounds, Vicious Visuals, And The Truth Behind Every Single Childhood Song We've Ever Heard Growing Up. Seriously! What Was Wrong With Us???
Reminders of Him by James Eagan ★★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: "Ohhhh, I get it. It's called "Reminders of Him" because you WERE in the movie "Him"." "What are you even talking about?"
It's time that we all come to understand a hard, unfair, and cruel truth.....Colleen Hoover is just Nicholas Sparks Redux. I know. Horrifying, but we need to acknowledge this if we're going to survive the next decade of more small town centered, heartstrings pulling, aggressively bland, occasionally problematic, and just plain boring romantic melodramas. All things considered, these types of movies used to be much worse.
Based on the 2022 novel by Colleen Hoover, "Reminders of Him" follows "Kenna Rowan" (Maika Monroe), who returns home after serving time in prison for causing a car crash that also killed the love of her life, "Scott Landry" (Rudy Pankow). During this time, Kenna and Scott's daughter, "Diem" (Zoe Kosovic) has been lovingly raised by Scott's still heartbroken parents, "Grace" (Lauren Graham) and "Patrick" (Bradley Whitford), who have made sure that Kenna has no relationship with Diem. Kenna has returned in an attempt to finally get to know Diem, but hits a wall when Grace and Patrick file a restraining order, while sparking a surprise friendship with Scott's best friend, "Ledger Ward" (Tyriq Withers), who has also become an important uncle figure in Diem's life. Kenna and Ledger also slowly begin to form a romance, which makes Kenna's attempt to prove herself in the eyes of those who see her as nothing but trouble even more difficult.
Directed by Vanessa Caswill ("Love at First Sight"), with a screenplay by Colleen Hoover and Lauren Levine, "Reminders of Him" is not so shockingly more of the same. By now, these films have become specifically designed for only their intended audience, who will likely find themselves sobbing and going "Awwww" in the auditoriums. I can say that at least there's nothing particularly offensive about this one. It's another case of "It Is What It Is", and I can't get mad at that. Caswill seems to be a capable director (With an eye for solid tracking shots) and the film isn't without its small charming moments. Little, soft interactions between characters feel genuine in contrast to the overarching conflict, which is too heavy handed and over-dramatic. Sure, this is some serious subject matter. However like with a lot of these films, the attempts to tackle such things come across as cloying, rather than sincere.
The film's strongest aspect is Maika Monroe (Known for horror-centric roles like "It Follows" and "Longlegs"), shows off some of her range and treats the movie as if it's the most important thing in the world to her. She gives a very sympathetic, endearing performance that has you buy her character's wholehearted search for redemption. Monroe also has some very solid chemistry with an also quite good Tyriq Withers. They make for an appealing pair and elevate a stock screenplay. It's a good thing that Lauren Graham and Bradley Whitford are both such good, professional performers, because their characters' needlessly antagonistic behavior reaches some unrealistic, rather annoying levels (Again, this isn't the worst I've seen from these movies, yet it always remains frustrating). Monika Myers (as "Diana", Kenna's new friend and neighbor, with down syndrome) is lovable in a supporting role, while Zoe Kosovic (And I mean nothing bad against the young girl) is unfortunately forced to act way too precious and excessively sugary.
"Reminders of Him" has some likable work from Maika Monroe and Tyriq Withers and at times isn't without some heart. It's also overly long and over indulgent in its own drama. In a way, it only needs to do what its target audience is looking for, which is a tearjerky romance that plays up the cutesy factor in spite of its self-seriousness. There's no substance here, but at this point in my life, it's too safe to get bent out of shape over either. Besides, I ain't gonna remember it anyways. Fitting, right? 2 1/2 Stars. Rated PG-13 For Adult Content, Two F-Bombs (Way To Go On Getting Those In There!), The Fact That Nobody Ever Knocks Before Entering A Room, And The Way That Little Girl Man-Handled That Poor Turtle!
The Bride! by James Eagan ★★★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: "Wanna know how I got these scars?"
If I had a nickel for every toxic, intentionally anachronistic romance based around a female director's twisted up interpretation of classic literary source material that opened to polarizing critical reception in 2026, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird it happened twice. But hey, this is easily the better of the two. By a large margin.
Inspired by the likes of Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein" and the 1935 film, "The Bride of Frankenstein", "The Bride!" opens in 1930s Chicago, where the corpse of a murdered woman, "Ida" (Jessie Buckley), is dug up by Frankenstein's Monster aka "Frank" (Christian Bale) and mad scientist, "Dr. Cornelia Euphronious" (Annette Bening), in hopes of giving Frank the thing he believes will cure his loneliness.....a Bride. Ida, resurrected as "The Bride", comes back entirely unstable (Hearing the voice of Mary Shelley in her head and suffering from memory loss), though is remarkable in her lively energy. Frank and The Bride, against Euphronious' wishes, go out into the world, where they immediately start to attract some unwanted attention and are seen as monsters in the eyes of the citizens (Even when acting purely in self defense). With "Detective Jake Wiles" (Peter Sarsgaard) and his hyper competent assistant, "Myrna Mallow" (Penélope Cruz), hot on their trail, Frank and The Bride proceed to ignite a strong, if not violent, feminist revolution across the country, drawing the ire of many different parties, while The Bride herself starts to question the legacy she's created (Along with who she truly is, rather than a reanimated corpse).
Written and directed by Maggie Gyllenhaal ("The Lost Daughter"), "The Bride!" is one Hell of a surreal swing for the fences, and falls completely into the category of "You Either Love It Or Hate It". It's bold, brutal, and bombastic, which feels like a lighter way of putting it, with the final film overall unfortunately not reaching those hefty, possibly unattainable ambitions that it's set up for itself. However, in spite of the flawed outcome of Gyllenhaal's undeniably daring and certainly fearless experiment, it's hard not to be entranced by it. Blending a contradictory concoction of genres in a taped up and glued together blender, it's a literal monster mash of ideas so strange that it either has to work, or at least has to be seen. Gyllenhaal takes cues from classic, vaudeville Hollywood, jams it into a mobster (Monster?) romance, sprinkles the spirit of old school musicals, and adds just a dash of f*cking crazy for a little zing (It reminds one of what something like "Megalopolis" wanted to be). Visually? It's enchanting, but in such a haunting way that it feels like an old black and white horror picture if it stepped out of the shadows and embraced the modern light. It's the kind of movie where everything will stop for an out of nowhere dance number (And one that's a disorderly sight to behold). This makes the film a lot to follow, with enough being left either underdeveloped or at least too understated for its own good, yet it's still such a painstaking work of art in so many ways.
Jessie Buckley, who is hoping to be rewarded with an Oscar win for her compelling performance in last year's "Hamnet", gives an inspired, wacked out performance that's just as all over the place as the film itself. Shifting back and forth between voices and accents, going from loud and showy to vulnerable and empathetic at the snap of a finger, Buckley practically flings herself into the character, finding her soul in the process. The Bride may be dead, yet she's the most alive out of anyone. Christian Bale balances Buckley's chaos with a more somber and brutish, but nonetheless analytical, where you understand both his rage and feeling of isolation. While I'm not entirely sure that the film's writing really sells the romance, the commitment between Buckley and Bale is what saves it. There are some characters that really could have used a bit more time from a screenwriting perspective, though are elevated by strong performances. This includes Peter Sarsgaard and Penélope Cruz, who have excellent buddy cop rapport, along with a scene-stealing Annette Bening, a too brief appearance from Zlatko Burić (as "Lupino", a feared crime boss), and an enjoyable weaselly John Magaro (as "Clyde", Lupino's cowardly goon). Jake Gyllenhaal (as "Ronnie Reed", a beloved actor that Frank has idolized) pops up for an extended cameo, and Louis Cancelmi (as a creepy cop that comes across Frank and The Bride while they're on the run) does a lot with only a little time.
"The Bride!" is erratic, messy, and often too much, matching its titular lead's turbulent behavior, though is still beautifully made and breathtakingly original. It's got the makings of a future cult favorite written all over it, with so much of its own unique identity that regardless of your enjoyment of it, you just gotta respect what it tries to do. A flawed experiment that's been lovingly given life and welcomes its ludicrous existence with such fiery, fearless passion. Personally, I too would follow this brash bride to the ends of the Earth. 3 1/2 Stars. Rated R For Strong Violence, Disturbing Material, And Corpse Copulation.
Hoppers by James Eagan ★★★★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: What I can only imagine how the one normal person in the friend group feels. Not me though. I'm clearly the lizard.
This is what happens when everyone at Pixar takes every drug imaginable, including ones that the common public is yet to discover. I bet that the pitch meeting was done by someone basically doing the "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" meme, involving a manic Charlie Day and the mail. Nothing about this could have possibly come to fruition mundanely. Something so unhinged. So wild. Whatever it took to make this happen, I'm pretty sure the families looking for the next instant animated classic will be thanking them for it.
"Hoppers" follows rebellious, overly assertive animal lover, "Mabel Tanaka" (Piper Curda), who wants to protect her beloved forest glade that she used to visit with her late grandmother, becoming a thorn in the side to the town's egotistical mayor, "Jerry Generazzo" (Jon Hamm). Mayor Jerry plans to bulldoze through the glade to make room for a new highway (That will save a total of four minutes of driving). Under the excuse that all of the animals have apparently left the glade, Mabel seeks the help of her college professor, "Dr. Samantha Fairfax" (Kathy Najimy), who has been working on a state of the art, robotics program called "Hoppers", where the mind of a human can be placed into the mind of robotic animals (Such as a beaver). Mabel steals one of the beaver bodies and uses it to blend in with the animals outside the city. Mabel meets the top beaver, "King George" (Bobby Moynihan), who proceeds to teach her the unique ways of the wildlife community and how it formed after all the other animals moved away from the glade. After learning that Mayor Jerry was the one responsible, Mabel leads an uprising to take the glade back. However, Mabel's actions stir up the animal council, especially the "Insect Queen" (Meryl Streep) and her even more power hungry son, "Titus" (Dave Franco), prompting them to conclude that true peace can only be achieved by "Squishing" Jerry (And when they say "Squish", they really mean "Kill"). Now it's up to Mabel to save both the glade and Mayor Jerry too, while attempting to prevent the mutually assured destruction of everyone.
Directed by Daniel Chong (Creator of "We Bare Bears", with a screenplay by Jesse Andrews ("Me and Earl and the Dying Girl", "Luca", "Elio"), "Hoppers" is as original a story as you can get, and one of those exceptional family films where you really haven't the slightest clue where it's going to go because, well, it just feels like it can and will go just about anywhere. The movie finds a clever balance between the old school Pixar sentiments and mixes it with a more modern, zanier mentality that's outrageously funny and thoroughly inspired. Much of which is not only because of Pixar's always stunning, and continuously evolving animation (Which incorporates the right amount of cartoonish detail), but also because of Daniel Chong's equally energized direction. At times seemingly frenetic, yet never unfocused, Chong clearly embraces the zaniness when it's called for (With some pretty crazy tracking shots) and even incorporates a little extra bit of darkness into the film's goofy attitude. It reminds one of something like "Adventure Time" or "The Wild Robot" where in spite of how cutesy and bouncy everything can look, the animators will throw a curve ball of disturbance when you least expect it. There is something quite twisted about the film and its sense of humor, which can honestly get more horrifying than most horror movies (Particularly with the casualness the animals seem to treat the fact that they could be eaten at any moment). You'll be shocked to know that there is a bit of a body count in this, and it's that kind of nuance that makes for some great dark comedy, but also gives the story some surprise depth. If anything, the seemingly crazed plot serves as a facade to the film's heart, where our main characters aren't entirely perfect and much of what we see shouldn't be taken at surface value.
A wonderful Piper Curda makes Mabel a fairly complex character, who is undeniably passionate, has only the best of intentions, and is certainly on the right side of the subject. However, the film addresses her tendency to take things too far, with her lack of foresight only making the situation much worse (Kind of sums up a lot of modern activism). It's hard not to sympathize with her though, with Curda's spirited voice work and relatable personality showcasing that such character flaws are more than understandable, especially in an age where it really does feel that no matter how hard we fight to make things better, it seems to be a never-ending struggle (World War III? Finally happening? For real this time?). We get a lovable Bobby Moynihan, along with a perfectly cast Jon Hamm (Literally hamming it up with glee) and equally strong voice performances from a stacked, memorable ensemble voice cast. This includes the likes of Kathy Najimy, Aparna Nancherla (as "Nisha", Dr. Fairfax's more deadpan colleague), Sam Richardson (as "Conner", Dr. Fairfax's nerdier assistant), Eduardo Franco (as "Loaf", an appropriately named beaver), Melissa Villaseñor (as "Ellen", an understandably hungry bear), Isiah Whitlock Jr. (as "Bird King", the leader of the birds), Steve Purcell (as "Amphibian King", the leader of the amphibians, who mostly speaks in broken sentences), a scene-stealing Tom Law (as "Tom Lizard", a lizard sidekick that Mabel makes), and Vanessa Bayer (Voicing one of the film's most out of pocket reveals). Some of the biggest laughs come from a deranged Dave Franco and Meryl Streep, who are both having a ball.
"Hoppers" is one of Pixar's most unique films yet, with imaginative animation, embraceable characters, a complex message of environmental activism and understanding, and smart, poignant, and totally abnormal comedy that will get a rise out of the entire family. Beneath the absurdity though is a sincere, thought provoking emotion that almost sneaks up on you and tugs at your heartstrings when you're least anticipating it. It's hard for anyone, regardless of age, not to see a bit of themselves somewhere in this in some capacity. Whether you are young, naive, and still growing, or experienced, cynical, and just in need of a little uplifting boost in the midst of all the bad going on in the world right now, it's the best of classic Pixar, as well as a fitting (If not bonkers) evolution of it all at once. 4 1/2 Stars. Rated PG For Manic Humor, Serial Squishing, Scary Images (I'm Not Joking), And Pubescent Pupation.
Scream 7 by James Eagan ★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: He's just seconds away from saying "It's Ghostfacin' Time!" by this point.
Oh boy. Where the Hell do I even start with this one? So to do a quick little recap (On the off chance that you don't know all about the controversy already), "Scream 7" was originally going to follow the characters established in the previous two entries, with both films deciding to go their own route, serving as a true re-quel (Rebooted sequel). However, Melissa Barrera (The freakin' lead!) was fired from the film by Paramount and Spyglass for speaking out against the current Israeli-Palestinian conflict (Because saying that "Genocide is bad" is apparently a controversial statement). Then Jenna Ortega (The freakin' co-lead) also departed under the guise of being too busy (Pretty sure that wasn't the only reason), along with the film's original director leaving, and the film having to undergo a massive shift at the last second. This led to a new director being hired, a total rewrite, and a whole lotta money being thrown at the original franchise heroine, Neve Campbell, which also had the fans becoming divided and boycotting. Again, I never fault anyone for their need to boycott. Unfortunately, I have a job to do and I consider it my duty to come in with as fair and open a mind as possible, even for something I completely understand is deserving of revilement. Plus I don't have to pay for movies anyways. They don't get sh*t from me!
Following the events of the previous films, "Scream 7" follows continuous final girl, "Sydney Prescott" (Neve Campbell), who has moved away from the various massacres that have followed her life. Having had a few kids, including a teenage daughter, "Tatum" (Isabel May), with her cop husband, "Mark Evans" (Joel McHale), Sydney appears to have finally gotten her happy ending.....until yet another masked, knife-wielding "Ghostface" (Voiced by Roger L. Jackson), arrives to start another slaughter. This time though, the killer doesn't seem to want to keep hidden, seemingly revealing himself to be one of the original Ghostfaces, "Stu Macher" (Matthew Lillard), alive and mentally unwell. While Sydney herself doesn't believe that Stu is truly back, someone is definitely going around slicing and dicing people up while dressed as Ghostface, hoping to completely destroy Sydney's new happy life.
Directed by franchise creator, Kevin Williamson (Who wrote the original "Scream", "Scream 2", and "Scream 4", along with "I Know What You Did Last Summer" and "Teaching Mrs. Tingle"), who co-wrote/mostly rewrote the screenplay with the still credited Gary Busick (The last two "Scream" films and "Ready or Not"), "Scream 7" is a bit of a miracle considering that in spite of all the behind the scenes issues, last second changes, and bad faith, it's somehow NOT the worst horror-slasher that we've had so far this year. Granted, that includes the likes of "The Strangers - Chapter 3". So that's not saying too much. However, despite the clearly chopped up and hastily glued together final product, the biggest issue with the film is that it just doesn't appear to have any real heart to it. In a time of legacy sequels or nostalgia heavy franchises, the best ones at least have something more to them. More divisive ones like "The Rise of Skywalker", "Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny", or even last year's pretty bad "I Know What You Did Last Summer" entry, all had some kind of life to them. This is just going through the motions, relying on the usual horror playbook, though this time forgoing much of the humor or any of the meta commentary that the franchise has been known for.
Sure, the film brings up the idea of reference based callbacks, AI and deepfakes, and an overall obsession with legacy itself, but Williamson not only doesn't actually have anything smart or importance to say about any of that, he also just plain indulges in most of it (I literally just watched through all the other movies and I still didn't recognize Sydney's jacket, which the film tries to symbolize as important for some reason). While Williamson can certainly frame a shot well, the screenplay feels awfully first drafty, with weak characters, forgettable kills, and much of what's made the series so iconic. Ironically, the film often falls into the same holes that previous entries would generally mock. It even has the audacity to claim superiority, even when it features some of this franchise's absolute dumbest bits to the point where I can see it taking up more than half the slots in any future YouTube videos titled "Top 10 Stupidest Scream Moments".
Regardless of the film's lack of effort and focus, Neve Campbell is actually very, very good in this. If there was a time to sleepwalk through a movie, this would have been it. Thankfully, she gives the movie everything and it only makes the final product's laziness more noticeable because of her professionalism. I have nothing against Isabel May and she does fine for what she's given, but her character is unbearably frustrating and derivative of so many other "Previous Main Character's Rebellious Daughter" archetypes. Joel McHale spends much of the movie out of the picture, while the film's attempt at getting a round of applause moment out of the nonsensical (And eventually unnecessary) appearances of Courtney Cox (as "Gale Weathers", one of Sydney's only remaining fellow survivors), along with Mason Gooding and Jasmine Savoy Brown (as "Chad and Mindy Meeks-Martin", part of the "Core Four" from the last two movies, who the film goes out of its way to not explain why they aren't with their apparent close friends from before).
One of the biggest appeals of the "Scream" movies is their ensembles, where anyone could be a suspect. This one blunders all of that, wasting the likes of Anna Camp (as "Jessica", Sydney's friendly neighbor), Mckenna Grace (as "Hannah", one of Tatum's friends, who you just know isn't going to be around for long), Asa Germann (as "Lucas", Jessica's slasher obsessed son), Sam Rechner (as "Ben", Tatum's boyfriend), Celeste O'Connor (as "Chloe", another one of Tatum's friends), Ethan Embry (as "Marco", a mental institution employee), Tim Simons (as the high school's dick-ish theater director), and Mark Consuelos (as "Robbie Rivers", an overeager television host), with there being no sense of fun in trying to unravel the mystery behind who the true big bad is. At least Matthew Lillard is still a hamtastic blast in a role that I'm sure he filmed in one day, though it's incredibly obvious to tell where this is all going because of how overly telegraphed it is. In theory, there is a lot here that could have worked if the movie had spent more time in development, yet the decision to scramble and rush things through in such a short amount of time since the film's creative overhaul complete rob a slasher favorite of its identity. Not even Roger L. Jackson's iconic Ghostface voice gets much time in the spotlight. The film's strongest set piece is actually in the opening fifteen minutes, involving a hilariously doomed couple (Played by Jimmy Tatro and Michelle Randolph) visiting Stu Macher's house, with offers a little bit of meta-commentary and a couple chuckles. It's the only part that actually resembles what a "Scream" movie is supposed to be.
While not entirely the absolute disaster it could have been (Thanks mostly to Neve Campbell bringing her A game), "Scream 7" forgoes its dark sense of humor, satire, and its very soul in favor of cheap nostalgia, a generic story with lifeless characters, and easily the most baffling third act twist in this franchise's history. The series feels officially gutted and we can only pray that they don't twist the knife any further. 1 1/2 Stars. Rated R For Gory, Slightly More Over The Top Violence, Every Character's Need To Detail Their Motivation Word For Word When Introduced, And All Of Us Currently Having to Endure The Apparent Nazi-Fication Of Paramount. Isn't It Awesome How Everything Just Sucks Right Now?
How to Make a Killing by James Eagan ★★★ out of ★★★★★
Image: Glen Powell auditioning to be the DCU's "Green Arrow".
Can you guys believe that "No Other Choice" didn't get ANY Oscar nominations? What is wrong with the Academy? "F1" and "Bugonia" get Best Picture nominations, while it gets nothing? That should be illegal. I bring that up because this movie reminds me so much of "No Other Choice". Albeit a stylish, less refined, and plenty American version of it. That's not exactly a compliment.
Loosely inspired by the film "Kind Hearts and Coronets", which itself was based on the book "Israel Rank: The Autobiography of a Criminal" by Roy Horniman, "How to Make a Killing" opens with "Beckett Redfellow" (Glen Powell) recounting his life story (Which is filled with bad luck and plenty that's genuinely out of his control), and of how his deceased mother had been disowned by the wealthy Redfellow family, though Beckett was still in left in the will (At the very bottom). After an old friend/first love, "Julia Steinway" (Margaret Qualley), comes back into Beckett's life, he's given the idea that if literally the rest of the Redfellow family just, you know, dropped dead, that he'd be free to inherit everything. Beckett proceeds to enact an admittedly poorly planned out, yet effective scheme to literally kill his way to the top in hopes of getting the life he feels he deserves. However, complications arise when real happiness comes into the picture, leaving Beckett to question what he actually wants.
Written and directed by John Patton Ford ("Emily the Criminal"), "How to Make a Killing" is a slickly made black comedy that works well enough, even if you can see the many ways it could have been even better. It's a very good looking film, with Ford's creatively eccentric direction and some quirky editing give the film much personality, while the script does little a bit more to be desired. It's not to say that there isn't some good satire here, mocking the fantasy worlds that rich elites have inherited (Rather than actually worked for), while also addressing that despite how good those worlds might seem to an outsider, there is something so very hollow and soulless about them. It's also not entirely anything all that new, with the themes having been touched up on better in other films like it. The most unique aspect to the film is how cynically it's portrayed, with the competitive nature of business and society seemingly only being achievable by tearing down your opposition (Or by straight up eliminating them), sacrificing your morals in the process. I do appreciate the commitment to that level of that distrust in the system, with the film's darkly comical nature retaining a tongue in cheek feel. It's silly (And likely more cartoonish than you'd expect), yet the film seems to know it. The downside is that because we've seen some of these ideas often (And we all certainly think them), it makes the film quite predictable in nature, right down to what the final shot is going to be. It ironically plays things much too safe.
Glen Powell continues to shine in everything he's in, showing a remarkable amount of range and always carrying a charismatic aura every time he walks into frame. He makes his character certainly understandable in his admittedly nefarious, shallow goals (And is well aware of his own hypocrisy), while showing that it all comes from a very human place. It's just hard not to like the guy. Margaret Qualley meanwhile, playing up the hot femme fatale type, generates such a infectiously sexy presence. Sure, it's pretty obvious where her story is leading (And boy does the movie seem to think it's steps ahead of its audience in spite of it), though Qualley steals every scene, with that iconic lip bite alone. We get some really solid work from Bill Camp (as "Warren", Beckett's uncle, who is easily the warmest, kindest member of the Redfellow family) and an intense Ed Harris (as "Whitelaw", Beckett's cruel grandfather), along with a hilarious Zach Woods (as "Noah", a moronic artist, who is the most inept of the Redfellow family) and a too brief appearance from Topher Grace (as "Steven", Beckett's controversial youth pastor cousin), looking like he's playing a middle aged Justin Bieber, who thinks he's still in his early twenties. Jessica Henwick (as "Ruth", Beckett's sincere love interest, who shows signs of how he could achieve actual success instead of the materialist kind) is also reliably charming in a role that's severely underwritten (This should have been the heart of the film).
While not as dark as it should have been, "How to Make a Killing" is well made and stylish, with a strong performance from the ever appealing Glen Powell (And his well sculpted jawline). It's a fun film, though not near as smart as it seems to think it is. With a few twisted laughs and timely, but derivative subject matter, the film doesn't quite "Make a Killing". It at least leaves an enjoyable enough impression of one. 3 Stars. Rated R For A Little Violence, Wealthy Wickedness, And All The Focus On Margaret Qualley's Rather Mesmerizing Legs.
Psycho Killer by James Eagan ★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: "You merely adopted the dark. I was BORN in it! MOLDED by it!"
I feel like I should retract at least half a star for the Talking Heads song not playing once throughout the movie on principle alone. Missed opportunity! That's the review as a whole!
"Psycho Killer" opens with a police officer, "Jane Archer" (Georgina Campbell) witnessing her husband's grisly murder at the hands of a notorious, Hell worshiping, masked serial killer known as "The Satanic Slasher" (James Preston Rogers). Slowly becoming obsessed with bringing the Slasher to justice, Jane proceeds to chase down the Slasher across the country, hoping to put his sadistic reign of terror to an end. However, as Jane starts to piece together what the Slasher's motives and endgame might be, it becomes apparent that she's not dealing with your average, run of the mill psycho killer.
Directed by first time director and longtime producer, Gavin Polone, with a screenplay from Andrew Kevin Walker ("8mm", "Sleepy Hollow", "Seven", "The Killer"), "Psycho Killer" feels like a bargain bin version of not just "Longlegs", but also every other Satanic level serial killer story we've already seen before. While the film at first seems to be hinting at taking things in an interesting direction, it eventually crumbles to pieces thanks to a nearly personality-free screenplay, very little creativity, and by the end, a completely, needlessly overly grandiose last act. I'll give the movie this. I can't say that I exactly predicted where this would go, but that's mostly because I was giving the filmmakers so much more credit to not go out in such a moronic way. Polone clearly has an eye for visuals, even when it's all things you've seen before. However, there is a recurring sense of blandness that's always plaguing the film like a blood sucking parasite. It seems that the idea was to be half Horror/Slasher film and half Cop Thriller, and yet, it somehow also becomes a superhero (Supervillain?) movie as it progresses, especially when there isn't much closure or explanation as to why or how all of this is happening (Aside from some vague hints at a grander conspiracy that falls painfully flat). The film is trying to do way too much, while offering so little in return. As a procedural, it's very straight forward and unremarkable, while the horror itself is never scary and doesn't even offer up some imaginative kills (The reliance on poorly tacked on CGI blood doesn't help).
Georgina Campbell thankfully brings her A game regardless of quality, and walks out of the film completely unscathed by whatever went wrong behind the scenes. James Preston Rogers (Whose dialogue appears completely dubbed over via obvious ADR), who remains faceless throughout the film, sports a cool looking mask and design, though isn't nearly as scary as the film makes him out to be. The Satanic Slasher doesn't end up being all that interesting, though it doesn't help that the script never distinguishes him from any other masked killer that we've seen in any other movie. Malcolm McDowell (as "Mr. Pendleton", a Satanic priest, who only uses his influence to get drugs and have orgies) brings in a couple chuckles in a handful of scenes, while Logan Miller (as "Marvin", Pendleton's dorky assistant) is completely wasted. The movie definitely could have benefited from more fleshed out characters or at least giving some development to the Slasher's many victims, but they are taken out so quickly with little buildup that it ruins any possible sense of terror that could have been had.
"Psycho Killer" is a cobbled together, incomplete mess that could have used a rewrite or two, along with a better editor. With a dull, rather lifeless plot, stock characters, and a climax that tries to go far too big for it to handle, it's something that could have had some genuine potential to be truly horrifying. Yet, it only commits another, much more damning crime, and that's being boring. I had no clue that the journey to Hell could be so monotonous. Talk about a fate worse than death. 1 1/2 Stars. Rated R For Bloody Images, Lots Of Slow And Tedious Driving, And The Concept Of A Malcolm McDowell Satanic Orgy. Scariest Thing In The Whole Movie.
Wuthering Heights by James Eagan ★★ out of ★★★★★
Image: A man can only dream of marrying Margot Robbie.
I gotta give Emerald Fennell a lot of credit. For better or for worse and in a short amount of time, she's made quite the name for herself. A divisive, controversial one to say the least. However, she's become quite the big deal now. Fennell has become the definition of "Love It Or Hate It", and I think that's impressive. Even commendable. Personally, I think the shtick has gotten old. But hey, for someone who has continuously made what I can only describe as "Baby's First Weird Ass Movie" three times in a row now, it's been working. Who else can have their mainstream, Gothic romance open with a man getting hung to death, resulting in a comically large boner and concluding in an ejaculation in front of everyone watching? For a certain audience, this is gonna be the craziest sh*t they've ever seen, and we're all gonna be talking about it regardless.
Very loosely inspired by the novel by Emily Brontë, "Wuthering Heights" (Which is also stylized in quotations in context of the film for a reason) opens in 18th-Century England, where "Catherine "Cathy" Earnshaw" (Played by Charlotte Mellington as a child, then by Margot Robbie as an adult), forms a close bond with a boy, "Heathcliff" (Played by Owen Cooper as a child, then by Jacob Elordi as an adult), after her drunken father (Martin Clunes) takes him in to live with them within their estate of "Wuthering Heights". As the years go by, the two become inseparable from each other, with it being clear that there is something more to Cathy and Heathcliff's bond than either of them want to admit. When Cathy lets it be known that she wants to win the heart of her wealthy new neighbor, "Edgar Linton" (Shazad Latif) and tries to ignore her obvious feelings for Heathcliff, Heathcliff decides to leave Wuthering Hieghts. During the next few years, Cathy and Edgar are married, with Cathy rarely returning to Wuthering Heights and becoming pregnant with Edgar's child. However, when Heathcliff returns, having acquired enough wealth to buy Wuthering Heights as a way of getting back at Cathy for his heartbreak, the two former friends are forced to confront their feelings, resulting in a lustful affair that just might destroy them.
Written and directed by Emerald Fennell ("Promising Young Woman", "Saltburn"), "Wuthering Heights" has drawn a lot of criticism for grossly misinterpreting the source material, removing the original story's themes of classism, revenge, and obsession in favor of, well, horniness. I haven't read the book, so I get the luxury of judging this as a film, and while it certainly has much visual flair and beauty on the outside, it's hilariously hollow within. Beneath all the elegant dresses, stunning production design, and vibrant cinematography are undermined by Fennell's usual reliance on crude shock value. Although, the most shocking aspect is how tame the film is compared to Fennell's other work. While the film has drawn a lot of publicity for its so called "Carnal", "Freaky", and "Sexually Aggressive", and yet, it's quite vanilla to the point that there isn't even any nudity in the film. Sure, there's an occasional moment of fish fingering, offscreen BDSM, some face licking, and juvenile grossness. However, it's all watered down, especially by her standards. It ends up being a lot of ideas that don't come together, with the stylish period piece setting clashes with the overtly sexual melodrama, and that's not to mention the out of place, intentionally anachronistic soundtrack provided by Charli XCX. It might be one of the more annoying aspects of the film, though this isn't a knock at Charli XCX or even the songs she wrote for the movie. It's the lack of cohesion, along with the self-perceived greatness that's constantly shoved in your face.
Margot Robbie and Jacob Elordi are both terrific performers, and obviously, they're also two of the most good looking people you could possibly get for a movie like this (Robbie especially just exhibits that classic Hollywood starlet look in every frame she's in). What doesn't work about the film, along with their performances has nothing to do with them. Clearly they're playing the parts the way the filmmakers intended. It's just too over the top, frustratingly overdramatic, and never once feels particularly romantic. It just comes across as two people who think each other is hot and wanna bang, while making it everyone else's problem along the way. The characters just aren't very pleasant, with that selfishness and superficiality only putting more emphasis on how misguided the film itself is. Shazam Latif comes across as the film's most likable character (And that's even when the film tries to make him seem antagonistic), while we do get some committed work from Alison Oliver (as "Isabella", Edgar's ward, who develops an infatuation with Heathcliff) and Hong Chau (as "Nelly Dean", Cathy's longtime companion that I swear was hiding a bitter Lesbian crush on her), who I've come to realize is just good in everything she's in. The film's strongest performances come from the opening prologue with Charlotte Mellington and Owen Cooper, with both kids having more chemistry and depth in their few short scenes than the main leads.
Emerald Fennell's "Wuthering Heights" is absolutely gorgeous to look at, from its visuals, cinematography that hearkens to classic Hollywood, and right down to the film's leads themselves (Hey! You already know I got a thing for Margot, and even I know Jacob Elordi is a favorite among the ladies for a reason). However, that beauty is only surface level. Thanks to an uneven mix of risqué melodrama, unlikable characters, and not even enough dedication to its own raciness, it's unbearably shallow. All talk with a lot of self-serving foreplay, but ultimately leads to an unsatisfying climax. 2 Stars. Rated R For Strong Adult Content, Brief Covered Erections, And Not Near Enough To Warrant People Freaking Out In Auditoriums. "Sinners" Was Freakier Than This Lame Limpness.
Goat by James Eagan ★★★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: A young Furry's first time at FurryCon. Beautiful.
Now if sports were all like this, then I'd actually be interested in watching. I always did look at things like football, baseball, and golf thinking "Wouldn't this be much cooler if there was a rhino on the field?"!
"Goat" follows a young, particularly small goat named "Will Harris" (Caleb McLaughlin), who has always dreamed of becoming a professional "Roarball" player (Basically hardcore basketball), like his black panther idol, "Jett Fillmore" (Gabrielle Union) of "The Thorns". Sadly, Will's small stature and lack of financial income have prevented that dream from becoming a reality (With many saying that "Smalls Can't Ball"). After a surprise one on one match against Jett's arch-nemesis of a rival team, a horse named "Mane Attraction" (Aaron Pierre) goes viral, the Thorns' warthog owner, "Florence "Flo" Everson" (Jenifer Lewis), approaches Will with an offer to join the Thorns, much to the dismay of Jett's crumbling confidence in herself. Will quickly realizes that the Thorns, who haven't won a game all season, with the team itself becoming a joke among the rest of the league. Will, hoping to prove himself and save the team, which includes the likes of a nervous wreck of an ostrich "Olivia Burke" (Nicola Coughlan), a stressed out single father rhino "Archie Everhardt" (David Harbour), a self-conscious giraffe "Lenny Williamson" (Stephen Curry), and an especially eccentric Komodo dragon "Modo Olachenko" (Nick Kroll). When Will's size and impressive skills prove to be a valuable asset to the team, Jett needs to learn to put her ego aside and truly embrace her fellow players, leading to everyone discovering what it really means to be the Greatest Of All Time!
Directed by Tyree Dillihay (Known for directing many episodes of "Bob's Burgers"), with a screenplay by Aaron Buchsbaum and Teddy Riley, a long with a producing credits from Stephen Curry and Rodney Rothman ("Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse"), "Goat" is the newest, creative entry from "Sony Pictures Animation". Incorporating the same style of animation and artistry previously seen with the "Spider-Verse" films and "KPop Demon Hunters", the film is a visual masterwork, with an inspired anthropomorphic world that feels different from others like it. It's not a retread of something like "Zootopia" or "Kung Fu Panda". The film has its own identity, and that's in spite of some very familiar, though perfectly digestible, story beats. You can see the heart in every single frame and movement, with some incredible looking art direction and jaw dropping visuals. The concept of Roarball as a whole is already pretty awesome as it is. Mixing basketball with a little bit of video game logic and the animalistic motif, these sequences are exceptionally clever and certainly exciting to watch, with the court matching various terrains such as an ice landscape, a forest setting, or a volcano. The animation's rapid fire, anime-inspired style also applies to the charming cast of characters and the humor, which puts even more emphasis on how these characters are all still animals in spite of the almost human looking setting. Again, this isn't anything new, and yet, it's all executed in such a different, smart way. The concept of an ostrich texting on a phone is funny enough as it is (She doesn't have fingers, so how does that work?), then having the character bury their head into the ground whenever they see something mean on social media only makes it funnier.
Caleb McLaughlin makes for a really likable lead, along with a terrific Gabrielle Union, who makes her character an obstacle for sure, though never a cruel one. Aaron Pierre makes for a really fun, bombastic antagonist (He really sounds like he's having a lot of fun), while David Harbour, Nicola Coughlan, Stephen Curry (Who actually does have some genuinely decent acting chops), and a hilariously wild Nick Kroll, all bring to life some really endearing characters. A lot of the biggest laughs also come from some of the supporting cast, which includes the likes of Patton Oswalt (as "Dennis Cooper", the Thorns' neglected monkey coach), Wayne Knight (as "Frank", Will's gerbil landlord, who is plagued with hundreds of children), Adam Pally (as "Gerald", an armadillo that's become a certified "Hater" of the Thorns), along with Sherry Cola and Eduardo Franco (as "Hannah" and "Daryl", Will's longtime best friends), and Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee (as "Chuck" and "Rusty", a pair of bickering Roarball commentators). Also, Jennifer Hudson (as Will's caring, deceased mother) has a small, but sweet little role.
A funny, feel good family film packed with heart and gorgeous animation, "Goat" doesn't change the game when it comes to storytelling, yet just happens to play that game wonderfully well. In a way, its simplicity should only bring in a bigger crowd, both young and old. Proves that good messages and a memorable collection of characters never go out of style. Much like the GOAT! 3 1/2 Stars. Rated PG For A Couple Really Good "Getting Past The Radar" Jokes, Gratuitous Goat Noises, And My Bizarre Infatuation With All The Hoofed Animals Somehow Using Said Hooves Like Fingers.
The Strangers - Chapter 3 by James Eagan ½ out of ★★★★★
Image: When your franchise just won't die, so it looks like you gotta take matters into your own hands.
Revealing the backstory and identities behind the titular "Strangers" from "The Strangers" franchise was already a fairly bad idea from the start (With the whole point from the beginning being that we don't know who or why these masked murderers are doing what they do). It also doesn't help that someone came up with the bright idea to stretch this slasher story out over the course of three movies, with the reveals of the three killers only getting more and more disappointing. It's fitting that the third unmasking is by far the most unsatisfying and laziest one yet because, well, just look at this movie!
Following up seconds after the events of the previous chapter, "The Strangers - Chapter 3" opens with "Maya" (Madelaine Petsch) having killed one of her masked pursuers, revealed to be the local waitress, "Shelly" (Ema Horvath), leaving two more to still try and hunt her down. With it turning out that the town sheriff, "Rotter" (Richard Brake), is also in on the killers' schemes (And keeps the whole town in a state of isolation due to always covering things up), Maya is captured and to her shock, isn't immediately killed. With one of their own down, the killers decide to force Maya to replace her, intending to drive her mad and bring out that lust for blood that they have. However, with the arrival of Maya's sister, "Debbie" (Rachel Shenton), everyone's plans become derailed, resulting in a meandering finale that couldn't be any more uninteresting if they intentionally set out to make it so.
Directed by the returning Renny Harlin ("Die Hard 2", "A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master"), with a screenplay by Alan R. Cohen and Alan Freedland, "The Strangers - Chapter 3" commits the most brutal and confounding murder yet......Itself. I mean, my expectations were low, but even I'm a little shocked. Not so much that it's bad, or even that it's the worst entries in the series. I'm shocked at how they apparently didn't give a rat's ass about this last movie. There's not giving a sh*t, and then there's just taking a literal sh*t because your brain couldn't process doing anything else at the moment. The many plot points and proposed character arcs that have been dragged out over the course of these three films collapse on their faces with humiliatingly bloody splats. From repeating locations, awkwardly placed flashbacks, and too many unfilled holes in the story, Harlin just seems to be going through the motions by this point. It seems whatever passion that was once there at the beginning of this trilogy (Along with what could have been an interesting take on the slasher genre) has vanished completely.
Madelaine Petsch remains completely innocent, even when the film frustratingly gives her so little to do now. Spending most of the film with her expressive face covered or just as a tied up accessory, Petsch's poor back can't take much more having to carry this series. The film suddenly decides it wants to have some supporting characters, who all do nothing, while Gabriel Basso (as "Gregory", a still antagonistic local, who...does exactly what you expected him to do since the last movie) continues to be pretty terrible, with the movie giving him too much screen time. One of the stronger performances comes from Finn Cofell (as a younger Shelly in a flashback) perfectly emulating Ema Horvath's expressions and body language, and it's always fun to watch Richard Brake do what he does best, which is being creepy (He easily might be the only character with a semi-interesting motivation). The Strangers themselves have only gotten less scary with each movie, with the characters feeling like discount versions of some of horror's more iconic killers. I get that this whole experiment was meant to rank them up with the other frightening cinematic villains, but all it did was remove what drew people to them in the first place.
"The Strangers - Chapter 3" is what happens when a franchise basically raises its hands in surrender before running itself dead on into the blade as if it knows it's beyond redemption and that the cold embrace of death is the only possible way to salvage some dignity. A stretched out predictable plot, with zero scares, boring characters, and the ongoing, slow realization that everything leading up to this has been a mistake from the very beginning, this concludes one of the most misguided trilogies in recent memory. And even then, it couldn't even do that right. After all this time spent with the Strangers, you'll no longer be begging for your lives, but rather for them just to gut you and be done with it already. The time wasted is more torture than the actual torture. 1/2 Star. Rated R For Gory Images (Although It's Actually The Least Bloody Of The Films, With No Creativity To The Deaths), The Sight Of A Judge Waving His Finger At A Future Serial Killer Like He's A "Naughty, Naughty Boy", And For Convincing Us That For At Least A Split Second, This Whole Endeavor Could Have Been A Good Idea.
Send Help by James Eagan ★★★★ out of ★★★★★
Image: When she says to stop trying to make "Fetch" happen, you better freakin stop trying to make "Fetch" happen!
Sam Raimi has, after a good decade or so, been fully unleashed once more. Sure, he got to push some limits with "Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness" (Definitely the first and last time Marvel ever makes a surprisingly legit, somewhat bloody horror movie), but it's been years since he was allowed to return to his gory, goofy, R-rated roots.
"Send Help" follows "Linda Liddle" (Rachel McAdams), an incredibly awkward and possibly unstable, yet thoroughly capable employee for a high-end company, who was promised a promotion to Vice President because of all her hard work (Which is implied to have been more than essential to the company's success). However, following the death of the old boss (Played by an amusing "blink and you'll miss" cameo), the boss' spoiled, sexist, obnoxious son, "Bradley Preston" (Dylan O'Brien), assumes control of the company. Bradley proceeds to ignore what his father promised Linda and instead promotes his frat buddy, along with mocking Linda at every turn in a cruel, demeaning fashion.
While on a business flight to complete a company merger, the plane crashes and leaves only Linda and a wounded Bradley alive, stranded on a deserted island. Linda, who as it turns out is a massive fan of "Survivor", has kind of been dreaming of a situation like this her entire life, takes charge and proves to be an incredible survivalist. With that said, Bradley still thinks he's the boss in spite of his injuries and slowly starts to learn the hard way that the tables have turned between their power dynamics. As tensions start to rise and everyone's sanity starts to dwindle, Linda and Bradley will soon face dangers not just from the elements, but from each other.
Directed by Sam Raimi (The "Evil Dead" films, the original "Spider-Man" trilogy, "Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness", "Drag Me to Hell"), with a screenplay from Damian Shannon and Mark Swift ("Freddy vs. Jason" and that "Friday the 13th" movie with the line "You got perfect nipple placement, baby!"), "Send Help" is the kind deranged genre hybrid that's actually a bit of a shock to see in mainstream theaters right now. It's classic Raimi on display, who seems to be thoroughly savoring his free reign. From a distance, it looks like a survival thriller, but once you get up close you realize that this is an old fashioned, no punches pulled, gross out horror-comedy. And when I'm talking about comedy, it's the goofiest kind. Harkening back to his "Evil Dead 2" or "Army of Darkness" days, Raimi goes for broad brutality, where things can get horrifically violent in a cartoonish sense, with the fact that if say someone got an anvil dropped on their head, the head would fatally splatter all over the place in gory fashion. The film's sense of humor never relents and even flourishes in these moments of cinematic cruelty, along with borderline juvenile grossness. It's so over the top though, and masterfully done, making for some heinous hilarity (Such an a completely unnecessarily repulsive sequence with a boar that got some of the loudest reactions from my audience). This also allows Raimi to embrace all his odd filmmaking trademarks, such as weird camera angles, non-traditional editing choices, and effects that look fairly cheesy, though are nonetheless gruesome.
More than anything though, this is one Hell of an uproarious showcase for Rachel McAdams and her impeccable acting chops, going from comedic to genuinely terrifying within seconds. On one hand, it's hard to believe that even a severely dressed down Rachel McAdams wouldn't turn a few heads, yet does establish that her character has absolutely no self-confidence and even fewer social cues. It makes it more fitting that she starts to gain confidence (And of course, look more beautiful) the longer she's on the island. The character takes some complex turns, with McAdams throwing everything she's got into her performance. Meanwhile, Dylan O'Brien is perfectly easy to despise through and through, and appears to be having a blast. While Linda is clearly going down a dark path, there is a sick joy in knowing that Bradley does have so much of this coming. Because of this, you can kind of tell where the film is going, though the film's big pay off is still pretty hilarious and is bound to get audiences who are looking for a devilishly appealing bit of sadism something to applaud over.
Purely campy from start to finish, "Send Help" is Sam Raimi's triumphant return to horror, with a crudely sinister sense of humor and Rachel McAdams' unrelenting performance. It's shamelessly violent and wickedly distasteful, yet diabolically funny, with Raimi's giddily grisly direction making for a revenge story that you know is likely very, very wrong. However, you can't help but feel that it's so right at the same time. Hey, if you support women's rights, you gotta support their wrongs too. 4 Stars. Rated R For Horrifyingly Bloody Violence, Voracious Vomiting, Sensitive Male Appendage Endangerment, And A Satisfying Editing Cut Involving A Golf Ball That Rivals The One From Last Year's Superman. You Know Which One I'm Talking About.
Mercy by James Eagan ★ out of ★★★★★
Image: Mercy? More like Mommy! Am I right? Eh? I'll show myself out...
Ever wonder what last year's "War of the Worlds" would have looked like with an actual budget? Yeah! Never crossed my mind either!
Set just a few years into the future (Apparently all we get are hot AI ladies and flying police motorcycles), "Mercy" opens with Los Angeles police officer "Christopher "Chris" Raven" (Chris Pratt....Lotta Chris) being forced into the "Mercy Program", where an AI judge, "Judge Maddox" (Rebecca Ferguson), allows the presumed guilty to prove their innocence in ninety minutes. If the suspect fails, they are immediately executed (Don't be giving Donald Trump any ideas now!). Chris has been accused of murdering his wife, "Nicole" (Annabelle Wallis), with there being plenty of evidence to convict him as it is, with Chris' alcoholism, estrangement from his family, and emotional distress only further affecting his life. In true "OJ" fashion (So he claimed), Chris is determined to not only prove to Maddox that he didn't murder his wife, but also catch the real killer. With Maddox supplying Chris with the resources to state his case, it's soon revealed that something even bigger, and a whole lot more convoluted is actually going on.
Directed by "Screenlife" filmmaking lover, Timur Bekmambetov ("Wanted", "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter", along with producing Screenlife films like "Searching" and "Unfriended"), with a screenplay by Marco van Belle, "Mercy" is, all jokes aside, a pretty fun idea that could have made for a possibly compelling short film. At exactly a hundred minutes though, it's a dull, moronic, and genuinely confused misfire that normally would be the worst thing you've ever seen if it wasn't for the fact that there are genuinely capable people onscreen and behind the camera. However, while that means that the film isn't near as bad as last year's "War of the Worlds", it shares many of the same issues and arguably lacks the memorable level of badness because there was too much money thrown at it. Bekmambetov isn't a bad director ,and there are moments where his competence comes through (Like the use of holographic screens to emulate the Screenlife effect), but it's a glossy finish that's applied to such a bland, green screen heavy setting. You can only do so many quick cuts of the same shot, and only the best of the best can really make it seem exciting. It's a rough concept that can either work or make things even more of a slog. The effects aren't terrible (You can see the $60 million all on the big screen), yet they also add such an overproduced feeling to something that comes across as cheap. The script seems to want to incorporate plenty of relevant themes and topics, such as AI, the police, rampant crime, and the Justice system, though doesn't have the slightest idea what to say about any of it. You really can't necessarily say it's pro-AI (Or anti-AI) or even that it's blatant propaganda for cops, because that would require actual intelligence. It's just not smart enough to be "Pro" or "Anti" anything.
Chris Pratt, who has lost a lot of goodwill with the people lately, is pretty uneven here. I will say that a lot of it isn't really his fault. It's just not a remotely likable character and the perceived suspense about his guilt or innocence is undermined by the film's predictability. You know exactly what this movie is going to do with him (And that it doesn't have the balls to take the riskier, more interesting route). When your lead character is shown to be an abusive, morally corrupt a-hole from the start (And not nuanced way), you don't particularly care if he makes it out of this dire situation or not. Rebecca Ferguson gets her easiest paycheck yet, having to just sit down, be her usual beautiful, graceful self, and say some silly ass dialogue likely over the course of a one day shoot. Other performers like Annabelle Wallis (Who spends 99% of the film being dead), Jeff Pierre (as "Patrick", a man that Nicole may have been seeing behind Chris' back), Kali Reis (as "Jaq", Chris' partner), Chris Sullivan (as "Rob", Chris' friend and AA sponsor), and Kylie Rogers (as "Britt", Chris' heartbroken daughter), are all given shockingly generic roles to fulfill. You know exactly who the villain (Or villains) are going to be from the start, and when it's revealed what exactly is going on, why it's happening, and where it's supposed to be going, it's unbelievably contrived (There definitely had to have been a much simpler way to do this whole evil scheme than whatever the Hell this movie came up with). The film weirdly praises cops, yet makes them look so bad at the same time, along with how the film portrays the inconsistently dystopian state of crime. It only gets further confused the more twists are revealed, likely in a desperate attempt to prevent offending anyone. I get trying to take the middle route, without taking sides and portraying the gray rather than black and white, but all it does is make everything and everyone look terrible. In a way, that makes it more offensive.
"Mercy" for the most part looks fine and has a glimmer of an idea, but is brought down by its own inability to determine what it wants to be or what it wants to say. It's a boring (Which is funny considering most of the film's remaining runtime is literally shown to us onscreen), overly telegraphed, and woefully misconceived flop that's somehow gotten the idea that it's so much smarter than it actually is (And it's even dumber than that). With a complex concept that would be a struggle to get right even in the best and most capable of hands, it feels like poorly programmed software that should have never left initial testing. Neither innocent or guilty. Just incompetent. 1 Star. Rated PG-13 For Sci-Fi Gobbledegook, Hot AI Rebecca Fergusons (Yeah, That Technology Would Be Heavily Abused), And Chris Pratt's Inner Racist Coming Out When He Learns That His Wife Is Having An Affair With A Black Man.
28 Years Later: The Bone Temple by James Eagan ★★★★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: When it's time to get bonin' at the Bone Temple.
How can something be so gruesomely sadistic and cruel, yet be so heartfelt and crowd-pleasingly delightful at the same time? Like genuinely sweet and warm, though harsh and grisly? Bloody, but beautiful? I feel ready to make the world a better place, though embrace the fires of Hell and dance through the coming darkness that awaits us all. Metal as f*ck! Sounds fun, right? That's what a trip down to the Bone Temple does to a guy!
Following directly after the events of the first film (28 minutes later?), "28 Years Later: The Bone Temple" opens with the traveling young "Spike" (Alfie Williams) having come face to face with the fabulously dressed "Sir Lord Jimmy Crystal" (Jack O'Connell), the leader of a bunch of blonde wig and tracksuit wearing, violence loving psychopaths referred to as "The Fingers" (All named Jimmy in some way). With the quarantined Britain having plunged into chaos thanks to the "Rage Virus" turning people into brutally feral zombies (or "Infected"), the Satan worshipping Fingers go around and provide what they call "Charity" (Which means killing people), while Spike ends up being forced to join them to survive. Meanwhile, the eccentric, though kind "Dr. Ian Kelson" (Ralph Fiennes), continues his work in his "Bone Temple" (Which serves as a memorial to those who have perished), where he starts to form a strange bond with an Alpha Infected that he's affectionately named "Samson" (Chi Lewis-Parry), who has become addicted to Kelson's sedation drugs. Kelson senses a form of evolution with Samson, while Jimmy's reign of unrelenting terror slowly makes its way towards the Bone Temple, leading to a savage confrontation that might have lasting effects on the Infected as a whole.
Directed by Nia DaCosta ("The Marvels", "Hedda", "Candyman"), taking over for Danny Boyle, with a screenplay by the returning franchise creator Alex Garland ("Ex Machina", "Civil War"), "28 Years Later: The Bone Temple" was shot back-to-back with the last film, and despite the shift in directors, it feels like a genuine continuation in the sense that both films would feel incomplete without the other. It's amazing that nothing is lost with DaCosta taking over the driver's seat, though she isn't held back by the franchise in any way and brings her own macabre flair. While the first film was about accepting death and acknowledging the unknown, this one is more about the terror and brutality that awaits us on our journeys there. Still utilizing the last film's shaky cam style (Without the use of iPhones this time), DaCosta brings darker colors, atmospheric cinematography, and even a little extra humor without sacrificing any of the franchise's twisted spirit. We get a much more intimate, character driven story that turns the usual zombie apocalypse genre further on top of itself to the point it's ripped apart and turned inside out, becoming a true deconstruction of it.
Alfie Williams is still a very strong young actor, though the film diverts focus away from him (Even if it's still part of his character's ongoing quest). This ends up being Ralph Fiennes' movie, and it's a testament to how terrific (And committed) an actor he is. Kelson in general just makes for a fascinating character, with Fiennes bringing to life his sincerity and gentle side in spite of his somewhat morbid work and what can be seen as insanity from an outside view. His relationship (And unusually heartwarming) chemistry with Chi Lewis-Parry that gives the film a soul to contrast all of the nihilism. Lewis-Parry (Whose performance is equally physical and emotional) is certainly terrifying at first, but eventually reminds the audience of the human being that was once within that Infected, monstrously strong exterior, as well as the one that might still reside within (And yes, Samson's still got that BZC, and it's glorious!). Jack O'Connell (Who is having quite the rune playing some great horror villains) is unhinged in ways that are at times frightening, hilarious, and just plain baffling. Playing the charismatic, though secretly pathetic, cult leader perfectly, O'Connell chews the scenery wonderfully, making for a villain that's easy to despise, though nonetheless a fiendishly joyful to watch. (His major scene with Fiennes is a standout) We also get complex work from the likes of Erin Kellyman (as "Jimmy Ink", a member of the Fingers, that's both a true believer, but at least questions Jimmy Crystal's ramblings) and Emma Laird (as "Jimmima", an especially demented member of the Fingers).
Feeling more like an Act Two rather than a straight forward sequel, "28 Years Later: The Bone Temple" is a descent into the madness of man, where one can only find small seeds of hope and the best of us beneath all the bloodshed. With DaCosta's confident, nightmarishly hallucinatory direction, along with compelling performances from Ralph Fiennes, Jack O'Connell, and Chi Lewis-Parry, the dread is neverending, even when juxtapositioned by some warped levity. Top it all off with some surprise stand up and applaud moments in the film's abnormal last act (People are going to be talking about THAT scene with Fiennes for years to come), we have the first great film of 2026 and hopefully not the final chapter in one of the most profound horror franchises in recent memory. 4 1/2 Stars. Rated R For So Much Grisly, Unforgiving Violence And Gore, Rotting British Teeth, More Teletubbies Lore Than One Would Expect, And A Quick Peek At Voldemort's Elder Wand. Good On Ya Mate!
Primate by James Eagan ★★★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: Ape No Kill Ape. Now Humans, On The Other Hand...
Maybe it's time more people start to realize that despite how cute they look, chimps are freakin terrifying! Sure, they might be related to us on a biological level, yet while we got weaker, lost our sharp teeth, and got loads fatter, they remained thoroughly capable of ripping our faces off (Among other appendages). Evolution truly failed us.
"Primate" opens with "Lucy" (Johnny Sequoyah), bringing her best friend "Kate" (Victoria Wyant), Kate's brother "Nick" (Benjamin Cheng), and their semi-friend "Hannah" (Jessica Alexander), on a trip to Hawaii, where they reunite with Lucy's deaf writer father, "Adam" (Troy Kotsur), Lucy's younger sister "Erin" (Gia Hunter), and their beloved pet chimp, "Ben" (Played in costume by Miguel Torres Umba). When Adam leaves for a book signing, Lucy and her friends are alone to have some "age appropriate" fun. However, Ben (After getting into a fight with a mongoose) becomes infected with rabies and the once adorable family pet now becomes a brutal, intelligent, and bloodthirsty monster with only the intention of literally ripping everyone to shreds with sadistic glee.
Directed by Johannes Roberts ("47 Meters Down", "The Strangers: Prey at Night", "Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City"), who co-wrote the screenplay with frequent collaborator Ernest Riera, "Primate" wastes no time getting down to business, with just enough character, just enough setup, and the quickest, simplest explanation as to why this is all happening in the first place. To be honest, I don't even remember why the family had a pet chimp and it quite frankly doesn't matter. The film knows this and knows that we know this. Roberts sets out to make a dastardly throwback to 80s and 90s horror films that were so gory and unrelenting in their violence that they bordered on exploitation. However, the filmmakers wisely remember why those were popular in the first place. Roberts has also always had an eye for delicious red visuals, even with his mostly weak filmography. He definitely feels unrestrained and relishes in the film's campy sense of cruelty and a refreshing reliance on old school practical effects. The film's opening kill alone sold me, with a character not only getting their face ripped off (In graphic detail), only for the character to keep screaming as we're treated to their new skeletal, skinless exterior. It tells you right off the bat that you're not meant to take any of this particularly seriously and that the kills are going to be especially gnarly. I'm not even big on horror films with excessively gory deaths, yet I can appreciate the despicable charm to how far it's willing to go, with a few genuine laughs along the way.
The characters aren't exactly full of depth and clearly aren't designed to make the brightest decisions (Though there are plenty of moments that are out of their control), but I don't dislike them and certainly don't want them to get killed in such a bloody way, even if that's where most of the fun comes from. Johnny Sequoyah does a fine job, while Jessica Alexander stands out most of all (Getting the film's central terrifyingly macabre set piece involving her character being trapped in a car in front of Ben) and Troy Kotsur (Real life deaf actor, previously getting an Academy Award for 2021's "CODA") gives a more refined performance that cleverly ties in his disability into the suspenseful situation). The real highlight is Ben himself, whose bringing to nightmarish life is an impressive achievement in itself. With Miguel Torres Umba perfectly embodying our killer chimp's unhinged movements, acting more like a maniacal slasher than a rabid animal, he brings genuine terror and some delightful villainy to our main, animalistic monster. From the movements to the expressions, Ben is a pretty remarkable creation all things considered. Sure, you can tell that he's likely just a guy in a suit, yet you'll be surprised how effective he can also be in being quite chilling (And surely would have lacked that extra wow factor if the filmmakers had instead decided to go the CGI route, especially on such a small budget).
Preposterous, over the top, grotesquely violent, and with a sick sense of humor, "Primate" is a malicious romp of menacing monkey business. With some commendable practical effects (And kills so unhinged that it actually catches you off guard in today's more censored age), along with a welcome speedy runtime and so much ape sh*t insanity, I think you might have your new favorite midnight horror watch. 3 1/2 Stars. Rated R For, Well, Hardcore And Unhinged Chimp-Related Deaths, Which Include Head Smashing, Throat Chewing, And Jaw Yanking (Biggest Reaction From The Audience In The Entire Movie)!
Greenland 2: Migration by James Eagan ★★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: "Now say this with me....THIS IS SPARTA!" "This is Sparta!" "NO! THIS IS SPARTAHHHH!!!" "SPARTAGHHH!"
Just in time before Trump invades the real life Greenland. Now that's a Hell of a sequelI don't know what the Hell is going on in the world right now.
Following a decade after the previous film, "Greenland 2: Migration" opens with the world trying to recover from the destruction caused by the "Clarke" comet. Most of Earth has been destroyed, with "John Garrity" (Gerard Butler), his wife "Allison" (Morena Baccarin), and son "Nathan" (Roman Griffin Davis, replacing Roger Dale Floyd), having taken refuge in the Greenland bunker. However, the planet's shifting plates results in the bunker also being destroyed, with the Garrity family, along with whatever few survivors, to retreat to Europe where the comet impact zone has presumably become a source of new life for Earth. The journey proves to be even more dangerous than before, and with John's previous exposure to radiation slowly killing him, he becomes more determined to get his family to safety, even if at the cost of himself.
Directed by the returning Ric Roman Waugh ("Greenland", "Snitch", "Angel Has Fallen"), with a screenplay by Mitchell LaFortune ("Last Breath") and the returning Chris Sparling ("Buried"), "Greenland 2: Migration" is a safe follow up to a better than average disaster flick that keeps things simple and to the point. Perhaps too simple, though one can't necessarily ask for too much. If anything, you're getting more than you should with something called "Greenland 2". Becoming more of an apocalyptic drama, the film more or less rehashes some of the stronger elements from the previous film, coming across as less a sequel, but rather an epilogue of sorts. In that regard, it's fine. Waugh's direction is enough, while the screenplay is equally mediocre. There aren't as many big visuals this time (In spite of a bigger budget), yet it's not without its exciting moments. There is a sense of repetition, with the characters finding a moment of peace, only for it to be interrupted (Almost on cue) by some kind of random disaster. Rinse and repeat. However, it's not like I want any of the characters to die. In fact, everyone is likable thanks to a cast that's giving it their all.
Gerard Butler (Who doesn't even bother trying to have his accent make sense anymore) is really good in these movies, showing a much more vulnerable side to the usual "tough guy" persona, while Morena Baccarin is still allowed to give equal participation and is never sidelined to just being "The Wife" like we normally see in these kinds of movies (Also, she really gives one of the best "Cries" I've ever seen). The both of them work well together, and do find some room for Roman Griffin Davis to stand out (Though the script doesn't seem to know if it wants him to have an actual character arc or not). Any other characters literally come and go, and it's to the point where one could argue that being near these people could be seen as risking death (That's what happens when you're not one of the main characters in a disaster movie).
Somewhat underwhelming, though sincere in its motivations, "Greenland 2: Migration" is a serviceable thrill ride, even if the actual thrills are fairly basic and unremarkable. Thanks to commendable performances from Gerard Butler and Morena Baccarin, there is this extra sense of heart that comes through, adding more gravitas to what's surely meant to be nothing more than a "Watch it on a rainy day" sort of movie (And hey, maybe if the storm is bad enough, it actually might enhance the experience). There are worse ways to start off the new year of movies. 2 1/2 Stars. Rated PG-13 For Mother Nature Being Scary, Gerard Butler's Thick, Indescribable Accent, And The Most Unrealistic Part Of The Entire Movie.....French People Being Nice. Clearly A Fantasy.