EAGAN AT THE MOVIES
Reviewing Movies Because We Care
Since 2010, and Still Unpaid!
Reviews for Current Films:
In Theaters (Or streaming): Tron: Ares, Good Boy, The Smashing Machine, The Strangers: Chapter 2, One Battle After Another, Him, The Long Walk, Downton Abbey: The Grand Finale, The Conjuring: Last Rites, Caught Stealing, Nobody 2, Freakier Friday, Weapons, The Naked Gun, The Bad Guys 2
Coming Soon: Black Phone 2, Predator: Badlands, The Running Man, Now You See Me 3, Wicked 2, Zootopia 2, Five Nights at Freddy's 2, Wake Up Dead Man, Avatar 3, SpongeBob Movie 4
Tron: Ares: by James Eagan ★★★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: The first, fully operational, fully automated, living sex-bot. Warning: Might Look Like Jared Leto.
The "Tron" franchise has had the strangest, most confusing, and depressing of histories. The Disney property first came into existence in 1982 from Steven Lisberger, was one of the first films to use extensive Computer Imagery, got a mixed (Or more perplexed) critical reception, and failed at the box office. Perhaps itt was hard to figure out if it was actually hard edge Sci-Fi that felt out of place for a Disney movie or was actually just a bunch of mumbo jumbo disguised as something smarter that seemed too much for a Disney movie. Years later, "Tron" became a huge cult classic and eventually spawned a sequel in 2020 with "Tron: Legacy", which was the first film directed by Joseph Kosinski ("Top Gun: Maverick", "F1"), which featured incredible game changing CGI effects, an incredible soundtrack from Daft Punk, also got a mixed (Or more perplexed) critical reception, and made somewhat a profit at the box office, yet apparently not enough for Disney to move through with the planned follow-up. The franchise has never had much luck it seems, despite people being genuinely fascinated by the property. Now here we are again with a new film, with more game changing CGI effects, an incredible soundtrack from Nine Inch Nails, a mixed (Or more perplexed) critical reception, and, um, Jared Leto? Yeah, the series getting a new shot at life (Last shot?) feels like a bit of a "Monkey's Paw" situation. Because while it's undeniably cool to have it back, it unfortunately had to be rescued by Jared Leto of all people, who had been attached to the film in 2017 back as a producer and seems to be mostly responsible for us even getting to this point. So, um, do we thank him? I mean, why did it have to be him? Could it have been anyone else?
Set years after the events of "Tron: Legacy", with the world still not knowing what became of genius programmer/hero of the digital frontier known as "The Grid", "Kevin Flynn" (Jeff Bridges). Now "Eve Kim" (Greta Lee), the current CEO of "ENCOM" is in a technological race against "Julian Dillinger" (Evan Peters), the CEO of "Dillinger Systems" and the grandson of the late "Ed Dillinger" (Previously played by the late, great David Warner), for control of the "Permanence Code" (Which will allow anything created within cyberspace to come into the real world, thus becoming real itself). Julian wants the code to keep his weapons of war from collapsing on themselves after twenty-nine minutes, which includes "Ares" (Jared Leto), Julian's master control program/so called ultimate soldier/Frankenstein experiment.
Despite worries from Julian's mother, "Elisabeth" (Gillian Anderson) and Julian's own massively monstrous ego, Ares ends up becoming much smarter and even much more empathetic than expected. After being sent, along with another one of Julian's more objective following programs, "Athena" (Jodie Turner-Smith), to hunt down Eve and pry the code from her (Regardless if that means killing her), Ares' developing conscience causes him to go rogue. Now Ares and Eve are on the run from Julian's programs, with the cyberworld and the real world about to collide in ways that could bring about a new age of thinking or just bring chaos and destruction.
Directed by Joachim Rønning ("Maleficent: Mistress of Evil", "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales"), with a screenplay by Jesse Wigutow ("Daredevil: Born Again"), "Tron: Ares" continues the franchise's trend of forgoing a simple narrative, more than two dimensional characters, and a whole lot of cohesive substance in favor of one of the greatest, most breathtaking visually, auditory, and imaginative theater going experiences you'll have this year. It also might rank in the top ten best uses of 3D I've ever seen in my life (Ranking up there with "Tron: Legacy"). There is a clear sense of love and passion behind the film's very inception, from the long and complicated road to get here and an embracing of the nostalgic feel of the original "Tron". Is it full of cheap moves to get an emotional reaction out of the fans? Well, yeah. However, considering it's a fanbase that's basically been left with nothing but breadcrumbs for over a decade, mixed with the top of the line popcorn fueled blockbuster filmmaking on display, I can't necessarily find anything particularly wrong with that.
Despite being a sequel, Joachim Rønning makes the film entirely his own, with creative cinematography that makes both the digital world and the real world look like a circuit board, while regularly blending them together (Likely the point). It also gorgeously works so well with the 3D effects, with the bits of digital blocks and matter literally flying off the screen and into the auditorium to where you'd swear you could grab them. This leads to a few elaborate, chaotic sequences that you can't look away from, with the color red feeling like a character itself (Similar to all the blue from the previous film). Whether it be on the Grid or on the real life city streets, the effects are unlike anything you'll see anywhere else. This also applies to a memorable set piece involving the Grid from the first "Tron" film, complete with the 80s level special effects, which are delightfully retro and surprisingly look pretty grand on the big screen in spite of being a replicate of dated effects (I'll go as far as to say that the intentionally dated effects look more pleasing than some modern ones that we see today). And of course, the audio and sound design blare into the theater, practically grabbing hold of your very spine and twisting it, keeping your attention. The score by Nine Inch Nails, finding a way to combine the score from the original film, the one from Daft Punk from "Tron: Legacy", and their own sense of mechanical madness, might even surpass previous entries. It matches the film's darker tone (This is the first "Tron" film to be PG-13, and it surprisingly earns it), has an epicly retro feel, and would have left the film itself incomplete without it.
The film has the unfortunate problem of Jared Leto's face being all over it (And again, it doesn't help that he genuinely does deserve a good amount of credit for helping the franchise try to make a comeback). All jokes, controversies, and creepiness aside, Leto is actually not bad in the film. I'd even go as far as to say he's solid, with a suitably stoic, robotic delivery that matches the character. An AI program who starts to think for himself and gains a personality all his own, while fluctuating between overly analytical and a bit dorkier than expected (There's a running gag involving Ares' love of Depeche Mode that's actually kind of cute). With that said, I can probably list a few actors who would have done an even better job with this, without the baggage of Leto's disturbing off screen antics (Keanu Reeves would have killed in this!). Greta Lee brings a committed sense of endearment to her role (Nice of Disney to have a strong female lead without feeling the need to pat themselves on the back for it), and her giving her all here should remind people why they need to be furious that she DIDN'T get an Oscar nomination for 2023's "Past Lives" (Plus, you gotta give her credit for finding a way to have chemistry with Leto.). Evan Peters is a blast as a whiny tech bro with the keys to global destruction (Boy, will this ever NOT be relevant?). Jodie Turner-Smith is intense as Hell every second she's onscreen in a part that would be one-note if it wasn't for how much effort she appears to be putting into it, while Gillian Anderson takes the David Warner approach and makes everything she says sound so authentic and compelling, even when it's entirely ridiculous. There are underdeveloped supporting parts for the likes of Arturo Castro (as "Seth", Eve's friend and colleague), who serves as the film's comic relief, an underused Hasan Minhaj (as "Ajay Singh", Eve's business partner, who is frustrated with her outside adventures), and a cameo from Cameron Monaghan (as "Caius", a program serving under Ares), who literally pops up for less than a minute. Jeff Bridges only appears briefly, but it still makes for the film's best and most emotional moment, and it's just cool to see him still having some reverence for the IP instead of just sleepwalking onto set as others would have.
"Tron: Ares" is the newest entry in the most objectively "Six out of Ten" franchise out there that gleefully chooses to exchange a little extra substance and depth (Could have used a few more of the first two films' religious allegories personally) in favor of being undeniably slick, stylish, and, well, really f*cking cool. It's about as flawed as the previous films (Although if I had to pick, this would be my least favorite by default), yet is such a feast for the eyes and ears in ways that most blockbuster films would never dare to go that I can't help but leave craving more. More likely to please the fans than newcomers, though the softly rebooted feel might draw in a few. Hopefully, "Tron" might be here to stay (I mean, we're getting like two or three more "Avatar" movies, so why not this?). Or we'll have yet another cult film on our hands, followed by another decade-long wait for Disney to consider trying again. Whatever it takes to ensure that the franchise doesn't just straight up get derezzed. End of Line. 3 1/2 Stars. Rated PG-13 For Frightening Images, Pixelated Perishing, Nine Inch Nailing, The Leto-Phile, And A Lack Of Tronin' Time.
Good Boy by James Eagan ★★★★ out of ★★★★★
Image: "The things I do for love."
A horror movie, from the perspective of the cute, evil sensing pooch? That's all you need to know whether or not you're going to want to see this. Either you're curious about the quirky, but committed premise or you're so terrified by the idea of a dog in harm (Let alone dying) that you want nothing to do with it. Regardless of where you fall on the spectrum, I would say that the film is worth your time simply to see some impressive, heartfelt, and clearly demanding filmmaking, along with, well, because that's one adorable doggy right there.
"Good Boy" follows a Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever (Gotta be precise with the breeds here) named "Indy" (Played by himself), as his loving owner, "Todd" (Shane Jensen), starts to suffer from a chronic lung disease. Distressed about his deterioration, Todd takes Indy with him out of the city to their deceased grandfather's old home in the woods, despite fears from his sister, "Vera" (Arielle Friedman) that the place might be haunted. While there, Todd's conditions proceeds to worsen as Indy starts to notice strange, frightening visions of a sinister looking entity with malicious intent. It's now up to Indy to save his beloved master from the entity before he suffers the same fate that might have befallen his grandfather.
Directed by Ben Leonberg (Indy's real life owner), who co-wrote the screenplay with Alex Cannon, "Good Boy" is a painstaking made, artistically clever and emotionally resonate experiment that feels 100% genuine in spite of its unique conception. Shot over the course of three years, it's a dark, at times frightening and distressing, yet nonetheless heartwarming tale of the loyalty and love that man's best friend will give us, regardless of the situation. The film may have a shoestring budget, with the cracks only occasionally showing, but is so creative when it comes to hiding it to the point you might be a little more surprised at what was real and what wasn't. This also makes for some legitimately frightening moments, mixed in with well executed jump scares, that prey specifically not only on your worst fears, but also at what pulls at all of our heartstrings. Seeing a lovable animal in danger is one thing. Seeing a lovable animal watch their owner slowly become more and more demonic and not being able to fully communicate what's going on is another thing entirely. The screenplay does a smart job at toying with what is real and what possibly could just be a dog's fears taking manifestation, utilizing the concept that they might be able to sense things that we can't possibly comprehend.
With the film almost entirely shot from Indy's perspective (To the point we almost never see the faces of any of the human characters, having them look blurry from a distance), everything seems bigger, more unnerving, and surreal. Somewhat on the downside, the human characters and cast aren't as much of a focus and get little development. Shane Jensen is good in the film for what he's supposed to convey, though it's clearly not meant to be his character's story. Indy himself is both the star and what successfully holds the film together. It's a rare occasion where having one performance carry an entire film works both brilliantly and poignantly. From Indy's expressive eyes, adorable demeanor, and ability to react so fluidly, mixed in with some impeccable editing to give the impression that this pooch isn't just responding to whoever is whistling to him off camera, it's an achievement in of itself.
With very little dialogue, a refreshingly short pace of barely an hour and ten minutes, and spine tingling sound design, "Good Boy" is equal parts moving, horrifying, and might be too much for some to handle, being a genuine and dangerous horror flick in spite of its fluffy star. It's a fascinating experience, and thanks to its star performer, you feel every scare and heartbreak that he feels. It culminates in an ending that might get a few tears out of people, leaving some ambiguity to the story and much that can't be explained simply because the main character is unable to do so. Raw and touching visual storytelling at its finest. It's also worth it to stick around after the credits to see some behind the scenes footage that not only shows the shocking amount of hard work and determination when into the film's production, but will also give those with more sensitive emotions reassurance that it's just a movie. A good one. 4 Stars. Rated PG-13 For Disturbing Images, Upsetting Situations, Fake Glass, And Doggy Danger.
The Smashing Machine by James Eagan ★★★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: The look she gives you when you swear that the hierarchy of the DC Universe is about to change.
Dwayne "Forever The Rock" Johnson has had, er, a rather fascinating recent career as of late. Whether it be a series of poor career choices, the ego allegations, and everything that had to do with "Black Adam" (Which I actually kind of enjoyed to be honest), he's become the butt of a few film bro jokes. Give the man some credit though for taking that critical and instead of taking the Zachary Levi route (For now at least), and actually trying to do something more genuine. Something that feels raw and real. Contrary to what he may usually think, it takes much more to show your vulnerability than it does to always look invincible all the time.
Inspired by the true story (Mostly the documentary "The Smashing Machine: The Life and Times of Extreme Fighter Mark Kerr" by John Hyams), "The Smashing Machine" follows Mixed Martial Arts fighter, "Mark Kerr" (Dwayne Johnson) at a turning point in his career. Supported by his girlfriend, "Dawn Staples" (Emily Blunt), Mark seems unbeatable. However, Mark soon learns of his own limitations, both in the ring and out of it, as his first loss creates a series of personal struggles, threatening his health and his relationship with Dawn.
Written, edited, and directed by Benny Safdie (In his first solo outing without his brother Josh after co-directing "Good Time" and "Uncut Gems"), "The Smashing Machine" literally decides to smash the usually trope filled biographical sports drama to pieces, and while I can't say it all works because of it, the final product is still a fascinating and emotional story of what real strength should look like. Safdie provides some thoroughly confident, often tender and honest direction, making up for a narrative that doesn't seem to have an actual three act structure. It seems that Safdie has decided to take the much less glamorous and less Hollywoodized approach. This often makes the film rather blunt and could come across as unfocused at times. If you ask me, that bluntness actually works in the film's favor. This kind of honesty is refreshing to see, with no punches being pulled (Yeah, pun intended) in favor of realism instead of Hollywoodized dramatization.
An almost unrecognizable Dwayne Johnson gives an exceptionally vulnerable and humbling performance that never once feels like Oscar bait. Kudos to the make-up department as well. Johnson and an especially electric Emily Blunt (Who have proven to have solid chemistry before) are terrific together in a relationship that can range from loving and tender one moment, then shift to toxic and volatile within seconds. It's easy to understand why they act the way they do, even when they're not particularly at their most likable. There is a genuine sense of tragedy to what could have easily been transformed into a typical sensationalized biopic romance. There is also some really strong work from Ryan Bader (as "Mark Coleman", a longtime friend of Mark's and a fellow fighter) and Bas Rutten (Playing himself as Mark's trainer).
Captivating performances, along with Sadie's sincere direction and a beautiful score by Nala Sinephro, "The Smashing Machine" might not play to the usual dramatic norms (Even when that gives the feeling of unevenness), but never once feels counterfeit. Too often does today's masculinity seem to be fully associated with toughness, invincibility, and physical strength, when in reality it's willing to show your weaknesses proudly without fear of judgement. It's about the man in the machine. 3 1/2 Stars. Rated R For Adult Content, Language, Rough-Housing, And Relationship Drama So Turbulent That You'll Be Averting Your Eyes More During That Than You Would Any Of The Brutal Fighting Scenes.
The Strangers: Chapter 2 by James Eagan ★ out of ★★★★★
Image: Slay Queen!
I really gotta know. Does Madelaine Petsch have any back problems? She could just be more resilient than others, but I don't know. Having to carry such a heavy load of crap for two movies straight, completely on her own, would break even the strongest of us. You get your money and the rest that you deserve, and maybe someday, you'll actually be in something, er, actually good.
The second part of this new trilogy based on the "Strangers" franchise, "The Strangers: Chapter 2" opens directly after the events of the last film, with "Maya Lucas" (Madelaine Petsch), surviving a brutal assault from the three masked serial killers, known as "The Strangers", though her longtime boyfriend, "Ryan" (Froy Gutierrez) wasn't so lucky. Recovering in the hospital and after getting absolutely no help from the local creepy sheriff, "Rotter" (Richard Brake), Maya suddenly finds herself being attacked yet again by the killers. Maya makes a run for it, though now isn't sure who she can trust since the entire small town is made up of A-Holes and weirdos, who don't remotely act like normal people, making Maya question more about what exactly is going on. Plus, it's an almost completely white town in the middle of nowhere. Ain't no way those people aren't up to something dastardly.
Directed by the returning Renny Harlin (Who has directed all three films in this trilogy back to back, along with "Die Hard 2", "Deep Blue Sea", and one of the "Nightmare on Elm Street" movies. That filmography makes no sense.) with a screenplay by Alan R. Cohen and Alan Freedland ("Due Date", along with the previous entry in the trilogy), "The Strangers: Chapter 2" only continues the last film's downward spiral into slasher sh*t, threatening to explode on impact once we eventually get the third entry next year. What once could have made for an interesting enough idea, turning a slasher story into more of a multi-film saga, only instead falls into the usual holes that the genre typically just trips over. Now because of the overstretched, yet still too thin story, it still feels like it's taking forever to get to the actual point (Which may or may not have been incredibly obvious from the start). Even though Harlin breaks the franchise's usual premise of claustrophobia by having the lead character on the run, nothing else about it is original or interesting. The set pieces are still the same, with our main character hiding while one of the villains walks around slowly, does a lame jump scare, and some more running around before rinsing and repeating again. The only real difference is that there are an occasional few extra unlucky victims who die in bloody fashion and the film's half assed attempt at a mystery involving the small town's almost lack of interest in Maya's plight. Then there's an out of nowhere sequence where Maya is attacked by a CGI boar that looks like a demonic version of Pumbaa from the "Lion King" remake (You literally could have cut out that entire scene and wouldn't have missed anything). There is so much padding for an hour and a half, with little justification as to why this needed to be split up into three separate movies.
You really have to give Madelaine Petsch credit for giving it her all in spite of literally having nothing to work with. While it's a little funny how the movie basically stops to show that she still looks hot despite being stabbed and thrown about a lot, Madelaine Petsch is acting like she's in something of genuine depth and it's too bad that the final product is as far from something of that caliber as possible. There's very little to any of the other characters, who pop up momentarily to either say something odd or just get killed off, with Richard Brake (Who has made a career out of playing villains and creeps), chews some scenery in a part that's both too on the nose to be a red herring and too unsettling not to be villainous. Ema Horvath (as "Shelly", the cute diner waitress from the previous films) gets a little bit more to do in another predictable part that I saw coming from the last film, and Gabriel Basso (as "Gregory", a local, who is drunkenly antagonistic to Maya for no reason), is just awful in another role that's bizarrely telegraphed. The film continues to make the mistake of trying to examine why the Strangers do what they do, despite the original films mostly just saying that they kill because they like to kill. We get flashbacks and backstory that shatter the mystique and are too generic to feel necessary. Not to mention, the whole film seems to be hinting that the entire town is somehow in on the murders, which granted is the only thing that could make sense for how they're able to operate in an empty town, though there are holes in that premise too because of how often other civilians are also killed in the crossfire.
"The Strangers: Chapter 2" is monotonous, overlong, dull, and filled with too many insufferable side characters to count. The film continues to take its sweet ass time down a predictable road of blood that hasn't been scary in years, and seems to be intentionally trying to further desecrate whatever goodwill it had with people by explaining what never needed to be explained in the first place. It's an excruciatingly paced, ugly wreck that doesn't know when to end, and one can only hope that whenever that final entry comes around, it will be the nail in the coffin that buries this franchise permanently. I swear, if the last movie reveals that the titular masked killers are just a bunch of CW rejects, I might end up going a little psycho myself. 1 Star. Rated R For Strong, Bloody Violence, Loads Of Suspicious Staring And Smiles, Excessive Close-Ups, And The Most Groan Inducing "To Be Continued" In Recent Memory.
One Battle After Another by James Eagan ★★★★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: What likely would have become of Leo if he hadn't won that Oscar for "The Revenant".
Viva La Revolución!
Very loosely inspired by the book, "Vineland" by Thomas Pynchon, "One Battle After Another" opens in a somewhat alternate United States, where the very close to fascist government has to contend with a far-left revolutionary group known as the "French 75". Two members of the group, "Perfidia Beverly Hills" (Teyana Taylor) and "Pat Calhoun" (Leonardo DiCaprio), also known as "Ghetto Pat", become lovers as they rescue immigrants, bomb banks and power grids, and humiliate the self serious "Col. Steven J. Lockjaw" (Sean Penn), who develops a racially sexual obsession with Perfidia. After getting pregnant and giving birth to a baby girl, "Charlene", Perfidia becomes disillusioned with the family life that Pat seems to want and abandons them to further commit to the cause. However, after a bank robbery goes wrong, Perfidia ends up selling out the French 75 to Lockjaw to save herself before vanishing.
Sixteen years later, Pat, now going by the name "Bob Ferguson" and Charlene, now going by the name "Willa" (Played here by Chase Infiniti), live in a sanctuary city, with Bob having become a paranoid, pot smoking, and overprotective wreck, while Willa retains the revolutionary spirit of her mother (Who Bob told Willa died a hero). Meanwhile, the now military celebrated Lockjaw, determined to become a member of a secret society of powerful white supremacists known as "The Christmas Adventurers Club" (Most hilariously sinister thing I've ever heard in my life), decides to wipe any possible stains from his reputation, which may include his relationship/lustful fascination with Perfidia. Lockjaw leads a hunt for Will and Bob under the guise of a fake drug enforcement operation, with another former French 75 member, "Deandra" (Regina Hall), taking Willa to safety, while Bob proceeds to bumble his way past Lockjaw's forces. With help from Willa's karate sensei, "Sergio St. Carlos" (Benicio del Toro), Bob must reunite with Willa before Lockjaw and his militant goons get to her first.
Written and directed by Paul Thomas Anderson ("Boogie Nights", "Magnolia", "There Will Be Blood", "The Master"), "One Battle After Another" is the modernized, long, epic fable that I'm thinking Francis Ford Coppola thought he was making with last year's "Megalopolis". Paul Thomas Anderson brings out his entire arsenal of tricks to craft an exhilaratingly screwball, occasionally really funny, and at times, disturbingly relevant journey across an America that seems to be different from ours in scale, though frightening similar in all the worst ways. From the sweeping, almost dizzying cinematography by Michael Bauman (Reminiscent of classic action thrillers), a whip smart screenplay, impeccable (And award worthy) editing that makes a nearly three hour runtime feel like a breeze, and a seemingly never-ending one-note score by Anderson's frequent collaborator, Jonny Greenwood (Of "Radiohead"), it's rather shocking how well all of the little pieces come together at all, let alone as well as they do. The film takes a little time setting the stage for the actual story, with a good thirty to forty minutes establishing characters and world building, though not to a point it feels excessive and self-indulgent. However, once we leave the film's extended prologue, the film is constantly moving and rarely has a moment to rest. This makes way for some elaborately put together sequences that perfectly utilize Paul Thomas Anderson's love of visual storytelling, along with some off-kilter humor (Like a running gag involving Bob's inability to remember a password with a needlessly bureaucratic French 75 operator) and a few standout moments of action (Such as an unforgettable car crash across a road filled with repeated uphill and downhill slopes that feels like something straight out of the 1968 film, "Bullitt").
The cast is an incredible, complex ensemble. Leonardo DiCaprio gives one of his funniest, yet still most endearing performances as a representation of how the endless struggle against injustice can beat anyone down, though hopefully not enough to make them forget about the fight. Sean Penn plays a villain that's hateable and scary, but also pathetic and hilarious, portraying the kind of toxic, gung-ho, fake ass masculinity that seems to have infested much of the far-right at the moment. Benicio del Toro steals scene after scene (Serving as the secret leader of an underground movement to liberate Mexican immigrants) and Teyana Taylor leaves such a powerful, impossible to forget presence, even though she only has a small amount of screentime. Other terrific parts include Regina Hall (She really has a way of standing out in what could have easily been a bit part), Tony Goldwyn (as one of the members of the Christmas Adventurers Club), John Hoogenakker (as "Tim", a seemingly bland, but deadly killer sent to take out Lockjaw when he gets out of hand), Alana Haim (as one of the French 75 members), Shayna McHayle (as a French 75 member charmingly named "Junglepussy"), Eric Schweig (as "Avanti", an indigenous bounty hunter), and quite a few others who make the most of their moment in the spotlight, even when it's just a line of dialogue or two. However, this is Chase Infiniti's movie in so many ways, and I will be so shocked if she doesn't get any award recognition (Or at least get continuously booked in big projects) after this. She's so appealing, commanding, and in the end, inspiring, having perfect chemistry with every other performer onscreen (Her scenes with DiCaprio and Penn are electric). It's her character's story and what legacy it represents, creating a performance that's undeniably powerful and could prove to be revolutionary in more ways than one for the younger generation.
Radical in its themes and jaw dropping in scope, "One Battle After Another" is a funny, wild, and crowd-pleasing tale of the necessity of activism, the power of the people, and the fragile, yet unending strength that hope can bring, even when it seems like, well, One Battle After Another. It's one of the most appropriate films to come out of 2025 that might charge up a few socially conscious minds, while also being just plain incredibly entertaining at the same time. It shows that even when things don't seem to be getting better or that you don't like you're actually doing enough yourself, resistance alone might sometimes be enough. Never give up the fight. Whether it be outright protest or just by being alive and kicking when others would rather see you submit, the worst regimes still can't squash freedom, regardless of how much they might try. I mean, we got Jimmy Kimmel back on air after a week. You just know Trump's many ulcers are popping off just at the thought of it. Believe it or not, that's progress. 4 1/2 Stars. Rated R For Strong Language, Violence, Heavy Themes, Wily White Nationalists, And Introducing The World To The Term "Semen Demon". Thank You For That!
Him by James Eagan ★★ out of ★★★★★
Image: "Okay, explain this to me in the simplest of terms. So why is it called a "Football" again? It doesn't even look like a foot."
Let's all get this out of the way quickly! Jordan Peele is the Producer of this movie. Not the Director! I repeat! Jordan Peele is the Producer! NOT the Director! Peele Producing! Not Peele Directing! You got that? Gotta make sure! So it's okay to be honest about this one!
"Him" opens with the rise of naturally gifted football star, "Cameron "Cam" Cade" (Tyriq Withers) as his aspirations are seemingly cut short after being randomly attacked, resulting in a serious concussion, having to get his busted skull stapled shut. Cam fears that his career might be over before it can truly begin, but his manager, "Tom" (Tim Heidecker), comes with an offer from legendary quarterback/Cam's idol, "Isaiah White" (Marlon Wayans). Isaiah, who has implied that he's nearing retirement, invites Cam to join him at his private, isolated compound to train and get his groove back. Despite the seclusion (And the hordes of rabid, almost cult-like fans that Isaiah has gathered), Cam seems to be living the dream, only to find himself suffering psychological torture at the hands of his hero. With the promise of true greatness just out of reach, Cam has to decide if fame truly is worth sacrificing everything for, while uncovering something much more sinister (And nonsensical) at the center of it all.
Directed by Justin Tipping ("Kicks", "Joe vs. Carole"), who co-wrote the screenplay with Skip Bronkie and Zack Akers, "Him" is what I feel happens when "Elevated Horror" goes wrong. In spite of a fairly strong start, it quickly becomes apparent that the filmmakers are only trying to emulate the likes of "Get Out", "The Menu", "Midsommar", and others like it, instead of actually doing the work necessary to achieve that kind of atmospheric thriller. Now I know nothing about Football, so to me, this is all just a lot of fantasy mumbo jumbo. It's probably for the best, since apparently actual Football fans seem to really hate this from what I've heard. The film is certainly ambitious, and unlike something like "Hurry Up Tomorrow" (Where the head was so far up its own ass that you couldn't see sh*t!), I can at least see where it all could have worked. Tipping has the flair for the absurd, with wild, if not incoherent, visuals that are so out there that it's hard not to be a little mesmerized by them. On the downside though, Tipping also seems to be really late to the party, relying heavily on unintentionally funny religious allegories and half-baked ideas centered around social/racial statuses. The ideas are there (Particularly with how these generally white run organizations treat black athletes like ancient gladiators, taking advantage of them and willing to let them die for glory and fortune), but the execution is sloppy and jumbled. It could be a case of biting off too much, or simply just not putting too much effort into the style and visuals instead of the actual themes behind them. There are some very solid imagery, from shots that show characters via Mortal Kombat-esque X-Rays when they're taking a hit or when the film lingers on its admittedly lively production design. However, there are times when you either can't tell exactly what the film is trying to say (Especially since it so often resorts to rather over the top, gory violence) or you've already figured out the message long in advance despite the film feeling the need to explain it to you. There's a rather egregious shot that mimics "The Last Supper" that got a few groans from my audience and because some of these images are so on the nose, it's not hard to figure everything out before the movie attempts to sit you down for some delayed exposition.
It's upsetting how much of this doesn't work because Marlon Wayans is giving it everything, and boy, he's absolutely amazing in this. Showing off more of his dramatic chops (Mixed in with some really dark humor), Wayans hams it up in all the right ways as a character who has detached himself so much from the real world that he's become a self-appointed Messiah in the eyes of his fans, as well as himself. Most of what his character does makes little sense and feels like weird for the sake of being weird, yet Marlon Wayans is so magnetic in every scene he's in that you can't help but feel that he deserves so much better than this. Tyriq Withers is stuck with such a bland, stock character, though comes into his own as the film progresses. It's funny how the film progressively gets worse, yet Withers actually gets better in spite of it. Julia Fox (as "Elsie", Isaiah's influencer wife) and Jim Jefferies (as "Marco", Isaiah's cynical doctor, who knows much more than he's letting on), are both pretty fun despite feeling underutilized and underdeveloped.
For something that aspired to be the "GOAT" (Greatest Of All Time), "Him" feels too weak willed to do so despite Marlon Wayans' perfectly unhinged performance. The film continues to lose its way as it goes along, devolving into aggressive ugliness before concluding on an abysmal final five minutes that gives off the vibe that it wants to cement its legacy as great, yet ironically doesn't have the slightest clue how others before it actually achieved that greatness. From the cinematography, the ideas, and the editing (Except for those last few minutes), the talent is all there on the screen before you. Sadly, I guess it just didn't quite have what it takes to land a touchdown. No guts? No glory. 2 Stars. Rated R For Very Strong, Gratuitous Violence And Language, Excessive Ball Fondling, And Whatever The Hell Was Up With That Ending.
The Long Walk by James Eagan ★★★★★ out of ★★★★★
Image: You just know this would be broadcast on Fox, with Mr. Beast as the host, while "#LegDay" trends weekly.
We got two powerful, extremely relevant portraits on the concept of death from the proclaimed "King of Horror", Stephen King, with neither of them being actual horror films. First we have "The Life of Chuck", which explores the inevitability of our deaths and how it will happen to all of us, though the terror of it can possibly be lessened by living a life full of humor, warmth, and joy. This movie on the other hand explores a similar idea, except how brutal and without mercy it can come, particularly when it comes courtesy of a society that only sees you as a statistic, with no intent on even cleaning up your mangled, bullet riddled corpse. Fun time at the movies!
Based on the book by Stephen King (Or rather by his pseudonym, Richard Bachman), "The Long Walk" opens in a dystopian, totalitarian run United States of America, where following an off screen great war that left the country in ruin, the current regime hosts an annual contest referred to as "The Long Walk". Hosted by uncaring, bombastic militiaman, simply called "The Major" (Mark Hamill), the participants are instructed to maintain a speed of three miles per hour as they walk a never ending road across the country until only one remains, with the winner getting the so-called prize of financial wealth, as well as a wish of whatever their heart desires. The various "Walkers" include the determined "Raymond Garraty" (Cooper Hoffman), the upbeat "Peter McVries" (David Jonsson), the always serious "Stebbins" (Garrett Wareing), the religious "Arthur Baker" (Tut Nyuot), the mentally unwell "Gary Barkovitch" (Charlie Plummer), the always talking "Hank Olson" (Ben Wang), the wannabe writer "Richard Harkness" (Jordan Gonzalez), the intense "Collie Parker" (Joshua Odjick), and the nervous "Thomas Curley" (Roman Griffin Davis), among forty one others, who all have their own reasons for participating (With it heavily implied that this may have been a mandatory volunteering). However, it doesn't take too long for the first walker to fall, which results in them being executed on sight. Now the walkers must endure much hardship to claim their prize, while growing closer to each other and forming a kinship along the way, despite the fact that only one of them will be coming out alive in the end.
Directed by Francis Lawrence (Director of almost all of the "Hunger Games" films, so he knows his stuff when it comes to young people being killed for futuristic fascist societies), with a screenplay by JT Mollner ("Strange Darling"), "The Long Walk" is an exercise in patriotic nihilism, failing morality, and the tragic beating down of the human spirit in a world that's unfair, cruel, and exceptionally devoid of any sympathy. Similar to "28 Years Later", the film finds heart and beauty within this nightmarish experience, though if you thought that film was rough to watch, this one is even more so. There are no monsters. No zombies. No supernatural force at play, making people do the unimaginable. There are only people, and you're forced to witness both the best, worst, most complicated, and most pitiable of us in what could be their last breath at any moment. It's amazing how Francis Lawrence can make the act of walking seem exciting and frightening at the same time, from the various elements of rain, intense heat, and the constant reminder of a possible gorey demise lingering in the background (Excellent attention to detail to have the military calling out warnings or even firing shots in the background at various points). It's a challenge to make a film, where most of what we see on screen is just people forward walking in a straight line, and yet, it becomes such a haunting visual to see the longer it goes on. The cinematography is top of the line, with impeccable sound design, cracking and natural feeling dialogue, and characters that you sympathize with to the point that you find yourself wishing that there was just some way that they all survive. Even when some of them come across as less than likable, you see hints of how they came to be like this, which leaves you time to notice who the real evil is in this scenario.
This is a strong showcase for many of these actors, even if their roles end up being briefer than expected (Something this filmed excels at is catching the audience off-guard with how quickly a death can happen). Cooper Hoffman (Son of Philip Seymour Hoffman, having inherited his father's natural presence) and David Jonsson (Who gave an equally tremendous, well rounded performance in last year in "Alien: Romulus") have such brother-like chemistry, where despite the characters only knowing each other for a short amount of time, you can see how the two of them have never quite found someone who understood themselves until this very moment. Ben Wang brings much needed humor, Charlie Plummer is uncomfortably (And devastatingly) unhinged, Tut Nyuot is quietly compelling, Garrett Wareing gets one of the film's most fascinating arcs, and Roman Griffin Davis gets a horrifying scene that I'm sure is going to haunt audiences for years to come. Judy Greer (as "Ginnie", Ray's mother, who didn't want him to become involved with the contest) is wonderful in a small part, while Mark Hamill makes for one of this year's scariest villains, feeling like the kind of monster that could easily find his way into becoming a reality, especially in the current political and social climate.
Serving as one of the most savage "coming of age" stories you've ever seen, "The Long Walk" might be one of the absolute best Stephen King adaptations, and unfortunately, the most relevant. Even under so much darkness, there is a lot of heart and emotion, serving as a flicker of light that you sadly know can't possibly win out in the end. After seeing people you've become attached to laugh and bond together, even while suffering excruciatingly before expiring, you still aren't prepared for the film's heartbreaking and shocking conclusion, filled with imagery that I can't help but feel might perfectly portray the current feeling of America right now (If "Superman" is what we should aspire to be, then this is what we could very well be if we're not careful). It's a film where empathy is something that we desperately need to hold onto, even with the acknowledgement that it's going to be difficult to do so with seemingly never ending road of desolation ahead us. One of the best films of 2025, and one of the most painful. 5 Stars. Rated R For Horrific Gun Violence, Disturbing Images, Dramatic Defication, And The Subliminal Feeling Of Pain You'll Get In Your Feet While Watching This. That's Not Even A Joke!
Downton Abbey: The Grand Finale by James Eagan ★★★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: Michelle Dockery's perplexed reaction to my most embarrassing marriage proposal.
These "Downton Abbey" movies are possibly the easiest movies to review. I've still never watched the show, but I've absorbed as much of the material as I can from the movies. I see them as perfectly solid, charming, well constructed British fluff that never rises past something that would offend the older crowd, yet is mature enough to not talk down to anyone and portray the changing of the times in a semi-whimsical, though at points still fairly honest, way.
Serving as the true conclusion to the series of the same name (As well as the third and final theatrical film), "Downton Abbey: The Grand Finale" returns us to the titular estate, where everyone is experiencing some big changes following the passing of the beloved "Countess Violet Crawley" (Previously played by the late, great Maggie Smith) in the previous film. Now in the 1930s, "Lady Mary" (Michelle Dockery) has just gotten divorced from her husband (Due to Matthew Goode likely not wanting to show up for two seconds of screentime) and has become a social pariah because of it. Mary's parents, "Robert and Cora Crawley" (Hugh Bonneville and Elizabeth McGovern) struggle to pass down the estate, while Cora's brother, "Harold Levinson" (Paul Giamatti), comes from America with his new financial advisor, "Gus Sambrook" (Alessandro Nivola) to reveal that Harold has lost all of their money during the Wall Street Crash. Harold comes up with an idea to salvage his debts by utilizing Downton's assets, which only further puts the family in disarray. It also doesn't help that Gus ends up charming his way into Mary's bed as well. To help with Mary's reputation, her sister "Edith" (Laura Carmichael), comes up with an idea for a party, where they'll use the arrival of famous actor "Dexter Guy" (Dominic West), former Downton Abbey Butler/Dexter's lover "Thomas Barrow" (Robert James-Collier), and playwright "Noël Coward" (Arty Froushan), as a way of attracting others to come, regardless of the elites' tense feelings about the divorce. All this, among a few other mini-subplots that eventually culminate together in what one can only hope as a storybook-like ending.
Directed by the returning Simon Curtis ("My Week with Marilyn", "The Art of Racing in the Rain", "Downton Abbey: A New Era"), with a screenplay by series creator Julian Fellowes, "Downton Abbey: The Grand Finale" is as messy and safe as the previous entries in the trilogy, yet also as warm, charming, and so much fun as well. There is always something so relaxing and digestible about the films, and while I only have familiarity with the characters through the movies rather than the actual show, I still feel like I know them and quite like them too. It also helps that this never once feels like a cash grab or a last ditch effort to milk a franchise. There is a lingering sincerity, mixed with a wonderfully English sense of class. Curtis' direction is top notch, the cinematography is beautiful, and the score as always just booms from the speakers, making the mundane feel very exciting. Not exactly a spectacle, but easy to get invested in either way.
Granted, the cast is filled with an ensemble of professionally trained, highly respectable actors and actresses, who wouldn't be able to sleep walk through their work even if they tried. Michelle Dockery is the embodiment of grace in human form, while the likes of Hugh Bonneville, Elizabeth McGovern, Laura Carmichael (Who might be this series' secret powerhouse), and Jim Carter (as "Charles Carson", the former head Butler of the estate) encompass these roles so perfectly. Even just going by the movies, I can see that. Sophie McShera (as "Daisy", assistant cook to the estate) is adorable, Kevin Doyle (as "Joseph Moseley", former footman of the estate turned writer, trying to get Dexter's attention) is suitably neurotic, a enjoyably antagonistic Simon Russell Beale (as "Sir Hector Moreland", the unlikable county fair committee chairman, who refuses to change with the times), and Alessandro Nivola is perfectly slimy, never bothering to hide his character's scheming nature from the start. Paul Giamatti is, well, Paul Giamatti (So you know he's great at stealing scenes), it's great to have Dominic West back (Who has loads of charm), and Robert James-Collier (Who has been my favorite character throughout these films) makes the most of only a couple scenes. The movie thankfully does find time to honor Maggie Smith in such a sweet, fittingly sophisticated way.
"Downton Abbey: The Grand Finale" juggles a lot of characters, plotlines, and themes, with the film occasionally struggling to keep everything intact. Some aspects feel short-changed, along with certain character arcs, and there isn't much avoiding that. It's still as delightfully soft and warm as ever though. Everyone is either very appealing or at least interesting, with sharp wit, strong dialogue, and the gentle understanding of the natural growth that should come from society, along with not forgetting the beautiful seeds that led up to that growth. It's a Boomer Blockbuster at its finest. 3 1/2 Stars. Rated PG For Adult Content, Scandalous Scandals, And Good Old Fashioned British Snootiness.
The Conjuring: Last Rites by James Eagan ★★★ out of ★★★★★
Image: Your English teacher and your Gym teacher are getting married.
One of the few ongoing non-superhero cinematic universes seemingly has come to a semi-close. Created by James Wan (The "Saw" franchise, the "Aquaman" films), the "Conjuring Universe" has been a consistent money maker for a horror franchise, and while I can say that only mainline films feel like necessary watches, it's cool to see a horror series that isn't "Slasher" oriented become a staple of the genre. Hell, even if most of them steer close towards typical "Possession film" territory, the films feel unique. Maybe it's the real live events that inspired most of them or just the concept of an old school spooky story always feeling timely, it's hard not to feel a little bit of anticipation surrounding a new entry in the franchise.
The fourth film in the main series and somewhat based on true events (Maybe, but most likely not), "The Conjuring: Last Rites" reunites us with the paranormal hunting, "Ed and Lorraine Warren" (Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga), who have mostly retired since the events of the last film, mostly due to Ed's heart condition. Instead Ed and Lorraine have decided to spend more time with their now grown daughter, "Judy" (Mia Tomlinson, replacing Sterling Jerins and Mckenna Grace from previous films). Judy, who appears to have inherited Lorraine's ability to sense the dead, has become engaged to the kind, if not anxious "Tony Spera" (Ben Hardy), with the rest of the Warrens preparing for a new chapter in their lives. However, when the "Smurl" family starts to experience a terrible haunting, the Warrens are soon forced back into action. The haunting ends up being caused by an old, cracked mirror, which has a connection to a dark moment in the Warrens' history, which now threatens to destroy everything they hold dead.
Directed by the returning Michael Chaves ("The Curse of La Llorona", "The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It", and "The Nun II"), with a screenplay by Ian Goldberg and Richard Naing ("The Nun II", "The Autopsy of Jane Doe"), along with franchise writer David Leslie Johnson-McGoldrick ("The Conjuring 2", the "Aquaman" films), "The Conjuring: Last Rites" brings the mainline series to a fairly safe, if not perfectly acceptable close. Rather surprisingly, the film doesn't decide to "Go big or go home", but instead chooses to have a much softer finale. Chaves goes for a slow burn, spending much of the film's runtime focusing on the Warren family life, with the actual supernatural aspects feeling more secondary. These films have always had a good amount of character work to balance the horror out, and while there's plenty of undeniable charm to it here, it also somewhat feels like compensation for a weaker story. The actual haunting plotline is underdeveloped. This also applies to the Smurl family themselves, who aren't given near enough to say or do. There are fairly limited scares, ranging from serviceable (There's a creepy scene involving an old videotape) to generic as can be (Scary face just popping out from behind something). Jump scares can work from time to time, but you've come to expect that from most lesser horror movies, and while Chaves does know how to stage a good set piece (Like a sequence involving a bunch of surrounding mirrors), these movies don't usually rely on such things. It's always been more about the atmosphere than the actual scary thing jumping out and going "BOO!". It's certainly well done, though just not very memorable.
Speaking of things being memorable, Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga as usual bring their A game. With their impeccable chemistry, commitment to the roles, and just all around appealing screen presence, Wilson and Farmiga have always been this franchise's main weapon in more ways than one. I literally could watch the two of them going about their average lives together, and still find it equal parts interesting, funny, and heartwarming. Mia Tomlinson and Ben Hardy are also very likable, while also avoiding the pitfalls of the whole "Next Generation" trope. I can't say it would be necessary, but I could see the franchise continuing with them as the leads (Nothing ever ends these days anyways). With the exception of Rebecca Calder (as "Janet Smurl", the family's mother) and Kíla Lord Cassidy (as "Heather", one of the daughters), the film really wastes the rest of the supporting characters. The film also easily has its weakest villain yet. I get the point of the whole "Evil Mirror" thing and what it represents (Your worst fears coming from your very being), but after the franchise's most terrifying icons like Annabelle (Who the film works into the film as much as it can) or Valak the Nun, this feels pretty lame by comparison. I did appreciate the film working in a few clever callbacks and cameos from others films without completely stopping the film entirely to focus on them.
"The Conjuring: Last Rites" is a well made, spooky enough, wonderfully acted entry in the series, and has the makings of a solid finale, though it can feel a bit underwhelming thanks to the basic scares, underdeveloped story, and a threat that feels so small in hindsight. The film takes liberties with the "true story", yet there's still something creepy about the tale, regardless of the actual facts behind it. That's something that's always separated these films from others like it (And has also separated them from their own lesser spin-offs). They conjured up one last scare that might not have gotten me to jump right out of my seat, though it still left me with a little shiver in my spine. 3 Stars. Rated R For Scary Imagery, Literally Well Hung Dudes, Demonic Looking Hillbillies, And The Nefarious Act Of Just Tossing A Poor Doggy Across The Room For No Reason. That Demon Was An A-Hole!
Caught Stealing by James Eagan ★★★★ out of ★★★★★
Image: Doctor Who really doesn't make any sense anymore.
Darren Aronofsky? Really? Talk about taking a big swing, and if you ask me, it's one Hell of a home run! I legitimately didn't see this one coming.
Based on the book by Charlie Huston, "Caught Stealing" follows "Hank" (Austin Butler), a former possible baseball star before sustaining a career ending injury in a drunk driving accident, now living in New York after moving from California. Hank frequently calls his mother to discuss the current status of the San Francisco Giants, works as a bartender, and seems to have found some stability in life, though his girlfriend, "Yvonne" (Zoë Kravitz), wishes he would stop drinking. Hank's very vulgarly British neighbor, "Russ" (Matt Smith), has to make a surprise trip to London, getting Hank to watch his cat, "Bud" while he's away. Next thing Hank realizes, his whole life comes crashing down. After getting a seriously brutal beating from a pair of Russian mobsters, "Aleksei" (Yuri Kolokolnikov) and "Pavel" (Nikita Kukushkin), the harsh narcotics detective, "Roman" (Regina King), starts to question Hank's involvement with some shady, dangerous people, revealing that Russ is actually a drug dealer with some connections to an especially deadly pair of Hasidic brothers, "Lipa and Shmully Drucker" (Liev Schreiber and Vincent D'Onofrio). When Hank discovers a key inside of a fake piece of poo in Bud's litter box, Hank is now on the run from all of the mobsters and killers, including the Russians' Puerto Rican associate, "Colorado" (Benito A Martínez Ocasio aka Bad Bunny). Hank now must find a way to evade all of these various maniacs, keep the people that he loves safe, and salvage what little of his life that he has left.
Directed by Darren Aronofsky ("Requiem for a Dream", "Black Swan", "The Wrestler", "Mother!", "The Whale"), with a screenplay by the book's author, Charlie Huston (Known also for comic book and television work), "Caught Stealing" feels like a wild screwball comedy, with severe consequences, making for a film with a pitch black sense of humor. While it at first may seem completely out of left field, especially if you're familiar with his work, it also feels like something that could have only come from Aronofsky. He knows how to frame some elaborate shots, create intense moods and atmosphere, and even when the film is humorous, there is always that lingering darkness attached to it, like a frightening shadow. Aronofsky takes the streets of the Lower East Side, and gets down and dirty with it, though never in a way that's insulting. It just feels lived in, packed with abrasive personality, and a punk rock edge, which is thanks to the film's score written by Rob Simonsen and recorded by British post-punk band, Idles.
This is also just an excellent showcase for Austin Butler, who continues to show off his rather impressive acting range. Between "Elvis" and "Dune: Part Two", this is the first time Butler gets to just play "an average guy". He's got his flaws and problems, but has a good heart and genuinely wants to stay out of trouble, getting roped into an absurd, though nonetheless deadly, situation that's going to require a lot of quick thinking. He's also just an appealing character and Butler's natural charisma only enhances that. Zoë Kravitz is wonderful (And insanely gorgeous without even really trying) in a role that takes a noticeably sharp turn, while Regina King looks to be having a Hell of a time, along with a hilariously in your face Matt Smith. Benito A Martínez Ocasio seems to relish his bombastically villainous role, and the same goes for an unhinged Nikita Kukushkin. Meanwhile, Liev Schreiber and Vincent D'Onofrio are equal parts funny and surprisingly terrifying in such an eccentric concept. There's something so surreal about seeing the most stereotypical looking Jewish men you've ever seen gunning down groups of people without mercy, yet still need to find time to see their beloved Bubbe played by Carol Kane. Also, a quick shout-out to the adorable Tonic the Cat (Playing Bud), who is quite the feline performer.
"Caught Stealing" is an endearing throwback to madcap crime comedies, with a darker edge to keep it well grounded. It's got a melancholy heart to it that reminds you of the repercussions, though retains its sense of humor throughout. It's the right amount of thrilling, funny, furry and fluffy. Not something I'd normally associate with Darren Aronofsky. However, I thoroughly commend this semi-brighter side of him. 4 Stars. Rated R For Strong American, British, Russian, And Puerto Rican Vulgarity, Along With Heavy Violence And Cat-Astrophic Chaos.
Honey Don't by James Eagan ★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: I'm sure the promise of these two doing "The Dirty Sanchez" and "The Scissor Lift" is the only thing bringing in people of all genders, sexuality, and preferences to this movie.
I think we know who the lesser Coen Brother is now.
Set in Bakersfield, California, "Honey Don't" follows Lesbian private detective "Honey O'Donahue" (Margaret Qualley), who investigates the sudden death of a female client. While working with a wise cracking police detective, "Marty Metakawich" (Charlie Day), who always attempts to hit on Honey and fails miserably due to her sexuality, and striking up a relationship with hot police officer, "MG Falcone" (Aubrey Plaza), Honey's investigation leads to a predatory religious cult, led by the charismatically creepy "Reverend Drew Devlin" (Chris Evans). Meanwhile, there are a few lingering subplots that may or may not be resolved by the end (Though that also goes for the actual plot to a degree), such as Honey's niece, "Corinne" (Talia Ryder) going missing, an old homeless man wandering around, a mysterious woman (Lera Abova), who appears to be working with Devlin, and various murders that also connect to Devlin's cult.
Directed by Ethan Cohen (Brother of Joel Cohen/responsible for "Drive-Away Dolls"), who co-wrote the screenplay with his queer wife/editor, Tricia Cooke (Also longtime collaborator), "Honey Don't" is the next entry in their so-called "Lesbian B-Movie Trilogy", and much like "Drive-Away Dolls", it's more about style than substance. However, where that previous film at least stood out as a psychedelic farce, this one becomes grating, dull, incomplete, and most baffling of all, just generally unfunny. In what feels like a parody of a Coen Brothers movie, the film often feels like a tangled web of anal beads, where it seems more interested in crude sexuality (I'm all for Lesbians getting in on some lowbrow comedy, but you actually need to be clever about it), admittedly flashy and colorful costume designs, and neo-noir dialogue, that's too pulpy to be taken seriously, yet not humourous enough to be treated as camp. The ingredients are there for something promising, yet it's so convoluted, continuously distracted, and doesn't seem to realize that it's at best, dumb fun. Maybe if either the characters were more memorable or if the actual mystery itself meant anything important, one would forgive the film's mess of a plot. There are plenty of movies where the mysteries are all over the place, and the Coen Brothers have been known to dabble in such things, even to the point where actual resolutions become secondary to the themes, atmosphere, and overall vibes. I can get behind the vibes, though the film's inability to remain focused on literally anything makes it near impossible to do so. Sure, the movie looks really good, but even Cohen's direction and Cooke's editing feels too light and playful to the point it feels like they're using it as an excuse to either cut some quick corners. This only leads to some oddly constructed scenes, that sometimes get too heavily violent to be funny, mixed with odd dialogue that's trying way too hard to be clever.
It's especially too bad because the cast is totally game, regardless of the film's frustrating quality. Margaret Qualley has an infectious charm and beauty to her that she does make the poor dialogue at least sound smarter than it is (She definitely has the old school noir voice down). Qualley does have some chemistry with Aubrey Plaza in spite of the script's shortcomings, but sadly not even Plaza can quite salvage how incomprehensible her character's arc becomes in the last act. It's funny how much of the movie's early release publicity has been based around Qualley and Plaza's sex scenes, and while the film is certainly aggressively (Almost annoyingly) sexual, it's still fairly tame stuff. Chris Evans, who appears to have gone the Ryan Reynolds route and just plays the same character in everything he's been in post-Captain America, though like Reynolds, Evans embraces it and does do an admittedly entertaining job as a snarky slimeball. An underutilized Charlie Day remains an delight (Which is saying something since his scenes are literally just one long, running joke), and Lera Abova just has such an alluring presence as a femme fatale of sorts (She's going to be playing Robin in the upcoming season of the live-action "One Piece", and she very well might be perfect!).
Tiresome and even a little irritating in spite of Margaret Qualley's best efforts, "Honey Don't" is definitely one of those bad movies that I can see hipsters and contrarians claiming is a misunderstood classic in a couple years. It's all glamour on the outside, but devoid of substance to the point it's completely hollow inside. It's not funny enough to make the characters engaging, which in turn makes the constantly changing plot points less amusing and more tedious before eventually becoming all around pointless. I thoroughly understand that this is exactly what the movie is going for. However, having seen this done so much better and so often these days, this feels like a dull imitation. Not the worst movie of the year. Not even close. Just one of the bigger disappointments. 1 1/2 Stars. Rated R For Very Strong, Gratuitous Sexual Content, Heavy Violence, And Plaza Gettin' Quallied.
Nobody 2 by James Eagan ★★★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: It's All Good, Man!
Isn't it awesome that freakin' Bob Odenkirk of all people can make for a believable badass action star? Not only did the work he put in for the first "Nobody" likely play a part in saving his life when he suffered a heart attack back in 2021, but also found a way to stand out in the sea of new "John Wick" clones, with his usual sense of humor and the fact that in spite of getting his ass beat constantly throughout, you can see how that damage actually makes the character stronger than other action heroes. Dwayne Johnson and Vin Diesel would never allow that!
"Nobody 2" opens some time after the events of the original, with former government assassin, "Hutch Mansell" (Bob Odenkirk), relocating with his wife, "Becca" (Connie Nielsen), and their two kids, "Brady" (Gage Munroe) and "Sammy" (Paisley Cadorath). With Hutch having returned to his government work to make up for the damage he caused before, though now he's once again becoming estranged from his family because of it. Hutch decides that a vacation is needed, taking his family, along with his rather maniacal father, "David" (Christopher Lloyd), on a trip to an old, small-town family water park that he previously went to as a child. However, Hutch immediately finds himself unable to resist getting into trouble, getting into conflict with the corrupt owner of the park, "Wyatt Martin" (John Ortiz), who basically runs the town, serving as a mover for insane crime lord, "Lendina" (Sharon Stone). When Hutch's family is threatened, he decides to do what he does best....."Diffuse the Situation". And by "Diffuse the Situation", that means "F*cking a Whole Lotta Bad Guys Up!".
Directed by Timo Tjahjanto (Known mostly for Indonesian action films), with a screenplay by the returning Derek Kolstad (The "John Wick" series, "The Falcon and the Winter Soldier") and Aaron Rabin, "Nobody 2" may have new hands behind the wheel, but is nonetheless fast paced, darkly funny, insanely well choreographed, and absurdly violent in all the right ways, even if matching the original's level of explosive enjoyment just barely eludes its grasp. Taking over from Ilya Naishuller (Who brought his frenetic energy to the film in spades), Tjahjanto does a very solid job recapturing the original's style and tone, though brings something of his own to the movie. Due to the sequel's new setting and the main character's goal of taking a break from all the carnage, there is a somewhat laid-back attitude. It makes it much funnier when scenes will devolve into gory action, where no matter who comes out of the fight on top, they're still going to leave a bruised, beat up, bloody mess. Just like the first film, anything and everything can be used as a weapon (And I mean anything, including duck heads!), with teeth and limbs being sent flying into the camera. That leads to a lot of creativity, like a live-action "Tom & Jerry" cartoon, except the damage here is either fatal or permanent (There's a particularly hilarious injury that Hutch experiences very early on that comes out of nowhere and he's never able to get it fixed). The film also puts even more emphasis on the elaborate, "Home Alone"-esque traps that Hutch will set up to kill a bunch of bad guys in one go. They don't make entirely logical sense, yet they're genuinely well thought out and hilariously gruesome.
Like the original, Bob Odenkirk brings his usual onscreen likability, along with a mix of "Sitcom Dad" energy and halfway deranged action hero. The movie addresses that he's likely become a bit numb to all the violence, though his love for his family and wanting to do good is completely genuine. It's a great, very humorous combination that at times has a little more to say than, you know, let's just watch some bad guys get shot up. Connie Nielsen gets a much larger role this time, with more importance put on the relationship and even a few interesting hints towards her character's originally unknown backstory. Odenkirk and Nielsen are actually quite cute together. There are also larger parts for the returning RZA (as "Harry", Hutch's even more badass brother) and Christopher Lloyd (Who always looks like he's having the time of his life whenever he's onscreen). John Ortiz shows up to give a reliably good performance (And gets a good amount of character development for a character that at first seems one-dimensional), Colin Hanks (as "Abel", the power hungry town sheriff) relishes being as unlikable as humanly possible, and Colin Salmon (as Hutch's government handler) returns to class things up. Meanwhile, Sharon Stone wastes no time chewing the scenery, hamming it up to a hundred, and is such a villainously batsh*t delight (I thoroughly believe that she was just told to go wild and seemed more than happy to do so).
"Nobody 2" embraces the cartoonishly brutal action and violence both gratuitously, but gloriously. Despite this, it's still quite funny and with enough heart to balance the scales. It's not quite going to stick with you for long like the first movie did, though that's in part due to the crowded summer movie season coming to a quiet close. However, it's still a good amount of fun, filled with laughs, surprise warmth, and again, lots and lots of a-holes getting what's coming to them. 3 1/2 Stars. Rated R For Strong Language, Stronger Violence, Ferocious Ferris Wheels, Spiked Slides, And Sadistically Sociopathic Seniors.
Freakier Friday by James Eagan ★★★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: Just using witchcraft to forever keep themselves aging spectacularly.
This is going to be one of those easy reviews because like the movie itself, I gotta keep it brisk, simple, and as charming as possible. I think I can get two of those down at least.
Set twenty-two years after the original "Freaky Friday" (Which was a remake of a remake that were all inspired by the 1972 novel by Mary Rodgers), "Freakier Friday" reunites us with "Anna Coleman" (Lindsay Lohan) and her mother, "Tess" (Jamie Lee Curtis), who had a rather "freaky" experience years earlier where they switched bodies and came to an understanding of each other. Now Anna has become a single mother, raising her teenage daughter, "Harper" (Julia Butters), finds romance with "Eric Davies" (Manny Jacinto), who just so happens to be the father of Harper's school enemy, "Lily" (Sophia Hammons). When Anna and Eric become engaged, Harper and Lily dread becoming step-sisters. However, courtesy of self-proclaimed psychic (Vanessa Bayer), Anna, Tess, Harper, and Lily proceed to swap bodies (With Anna and Harper switching and Tess and Lily switching). While Anna and Tess attempt to fix this predicament as quickly as possible (Though get distracted by the fact that they're now young and capable of doing whatever they want), Harper and Lily team-up to break their parents apart, resulting in colorful chaos.
Directed by Nisha Ganatra ("Late Night", "The High Note"), with a screenplay by Jordan Weiss ("Dollface", "Sweethearts"), "Freakier Friday" has much of the same issues that plague many of the legacy sequels that have become the norm as of late, though to give the filmmakers some credit, they're pretty unavoidable flaws. Plus making a sequel to what's seen now as a bit of a Disney classic among families is something I'm shocked took THIS long to make. The time between films does work much in the film's favor, where the tropes are both par for the course and oddly refreshing to have back with such sincerity. The plot and antics are all silly, yet plenty delightful and much like the original, genuinely pretty darn funny at times. What makes it work at all is that everyone involved, behind the camera and in front of it, knows exactly what this movie is and most importantly, what it should be. A goofy, fairly undemanding, and still thoroughly sweet, quick paced romp that the kid and the adults can enjoy.
Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan (Looking really lovely by the way!) step back into their roles so naturally and with such commitment, where one wouldn't have necessarily faulted them if they'd just done this for a paycheck. You can tell that this isn't the case, with the pair not just rehashing what worked before, but rather providing a new twist on the concept (Curtis' attempts to be British, with an American accent gets some solid laughs). Julia Butters and Sophia Hammons (Who IS British in the movie, yet isn't so in real life to the point it's jarring) are both phenomenal, particularly they're having to play off each other as Curtis and Lohan's parts. Even dramatically, the four of them give it everything they got, and considering that this is, well, "Freakier Friday", it's so commendable that they felt the need to do so. The film finds time to bring back previous characters from the last film and most of the time in very amusing ways, like Stephen Tobolowsky (as "Mr. Bates", Harper and Lily's teacher, who still has it out for Anna and Tess) and a surprisingly hilarious Chad Michael Murray (as "Jake", Anna's hunky ex, who also still seems to have the hots for Tess). Manny Jacinto is very charming and easy to like (Which is funny since the last time I saw him, he was slaughtering Jedi in "The Acolyte" by stabbing them repeatedly or by snapping their necks with his bulging biceps!) and Mark Harmon (as "Ryan", Tess' husband) continues to be the secret weapon for these movies, with an understated, yet wonderful presence. There are a couple forced references to the first and some unnecessary subplots. I completely forgot about how Anna is a music producer for a singer (Played by Maitreyi Ramakrishnan) that suddenly takes center stage in the last twenty minutes, mostly so they can have a similar finale to the original.
While it's essentially a Disney Channel movie with a budget, "Freakier Friday" is fast and funny, without feeling like it's a total rehash trying to bank on childhood nostalgia. It's got a good heart, terrific performances, and enough clever freakiness to make what could have been just a lame, exceptionally dated and cheap attempt at a quick buck feel warranted, warm, and even needed. 3 1/2 Stars. Rated PG For Some Slight Adult-Ish Content, People Not Acting Their Age (In More Ways Than One), And The Sight Of Poor Chad Michael Murray Longing For Some Jamie Lee Curtis Action.
Weapons by James Eagan ★★★★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: Who's gonna tell the poor kid that the whole Naruto-Running to Area 51 thing was like six years ago?
Zach Cregger's "Barbarian" was a surprise miracle of a film in 2022. And when I say miracle, I don't mean the beautiful kind. I mean the unhinged, monstrously malicious, and horrifying kind. And it was awesome! An absolute masterpiece of horror if you ask me, that had me in complete suspense and filled with dread, yet also balanced out other tones, styles, and ideas with such skill that it also made for an absolute blast to watch. That grisly bit of gory violence, followed by a cut to black that opens up to a singing Justin Long, blissfully unaware that he's about to be canceled, is iconic horror cinema. So it's easy to be both excited and a little worried about Cregger's sophomore horror outing, especially when they hit it out of the ballpark the first time.
"Weapons" opens in the town of Maybrook, where at exactly 2:17 a.m., all of the kids, with the exception of one, from a teacher's class, simultaneously got out of bed, ran outside, and vanished without a trace. The story follows a collection of chapters, each focusing on a specific character that eventually culminates in the revelation behind what exactly happened. The teacher, "Justine Gandy" (Julia Garner), has become a pariah in the town, with the grieving, irrationally furious parents blaming her for their children disappearing, leading to Justine to attempt to solve the case herself. There's "Archer Graff" (Josh Brolin), an especially aggressive father of one of the missing kids, who believes that something extra sinister is going on, who also attempts to solve the mystery himself. We also focus on "Paul Morgan", Justine's ex/incompetent cop, who's going through his own personal disasters, along with the school principal, "Andrew Marcus" (Benedict Wong), trying to keep the peace, and "James" (Austin Abrams), a homeless drug addict, who repeatedly finds himself at the wrong place at the wrong time. Most important of all is "Alex Lilly" (Cary Christopher), the one boy who didn't vanish from Justine's classroom, who might be the missing piece that connects everything.
Written and directed by Zach Cregger ("Barbarian", "Miss March", along with his start in the comedy troupe, "The Whitest Kids U' Know"), "Weapons" is a completely different monster entirely from his previous film, and yet, you can tell by the time the credits roll that it truly is Cregger's twisted little baby through and through. The film, which Cregger was inspired to write after the tragic death of his close friend and collaborator, Trevor Moore, went through an extensive bidding war between studios, with many producers (Including Jordan Peele, who was rumored to be pretty pissed that his company wasn't able to acquire it) being fascinated by the film's ambitious nature. I wouldn't call it a full blown horror movie, but rather a mystery thriller that just so happens to turn into the stuff of nightmares on a whim, being like a pile of mismatched puzzle pieces in need of sorting out. The smallest details play a part in where it all goes, even when the film just goes off the rails into the bowels of Hell, with the sense of grounded normalcy being upended by aspects unexplainable due to both how unabashedly vile they are and also by how freakin insane they become as well. Cregger keeps these running smoothly, where the out of order storytelling keeps you guessing. It's one of those horror movies where the jumpscares work so well in its favor because more than half the time they just happen out of nowhere. Someone could just be standing around, having a conversation in broad daylight, only for it to be interrupted by the sudden appearance of a nightmarish face trying to kill them. The tension is always there, even when the audience themselves don't quite know it, and while it seems that the film is often going on detours, all the roads taken eventually lead into the same destination. The movie has been released on IMAX screens and it's not for the same reasons as say "Superman" or "Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning", where things are big, visually wild, or explosive, but rather because it's just such a perfectly shot movie, where imagery and specific shots that just stick with you (You'll be having nightmares about bells for the next few nights).
It's best to know as little as possible (And I barely scratched the surface here) about where the story goes, what it might mean, and what one can interpret from it. The film itself doesn't exactly give all the answers, but rather gives you various context clues to come to your own conclusions, particularly when it comes down to the characters. With each major one getting a chapter to both give us insight into them, as well as to the role they'll play in the bigger mystery. Julia Garner continues to show her talent as an actress, bringing an emotional complexity to a character that's certainly flawed and too stubborn for her own good, yet does have a caring heart in the end (It's clear that her character loves the kids and wants only what's best for them, even if she repeatedly oversteps her role to the point it makes her look guilty). Josh Brolin is also excellent, with a multi-dimensional character that comes across as harsh and sometimes cruel, though understandably so to a degree (And personally, I think the movie implied something even darker with the character, with a few unanswered questions centered around what kind of father he is). Alden Ehrenreich, whose character is continuously digging himself deeper and deeper into metaphorical holes, and a hilariously out of the loop Austin Abrams, make for a great comedy of errors that only seem disconnected from the overall story at first. Benedict Wong is great, as usual, along with the likes of Toby Huss (as "Ed Locke", the Chief of police/Paul's boss/Paul's father in law), and an especially amazing Amy Madigan (as "Gladys", Alex's, er, let's just say eccentric aunt), who completely devours the scenery every chance she gets. Cary Christopher is a wonderful little actor, who might technically be the true protagonist of the story, being the glue that holds all of the interlocked chapters together. Similar to Alfie Williams in "28 Years Later", this young actor has to carry some really dramatic, distressing material, which even more seasoned actors would likely struggle with (And he also might be the smartest kid character I've seen in a horror movie). There's also a couple pretty amusing cameos that I won't spoil, though will be very recognizable if you're familiar with Zach Cregger's work.
"Weapons" is a disturbing, twisted tale of realism induced terror, and yet, it's also quite funny. Hell, it's often hilarious. We get fully fleshed out characters, a smart screenplay, and possibly subtle allegories to events both recent and from the past (Though it's never explicit or forced). It's hard not to see similarities surrounding community outrage over what they can't explain, particularly when it upsets their general sense of normalcy, resulting darker forces at play escaping punishment, even if the film intentionally takes it to such ludicrously batsh*t degrees. It all leads to a finale that I eagerly anticipated, having put together what was going to happen, and boy, I was applauding in the theater when it finally did. It really makes for one of the funniest, unrelentingly violent, and outrageously bonkers climaxes in recent memory, where this story that preys on parental fears, mixed in with mob-like mentalities, human selfishness, and the hidden evils of the world, becomes a surprise epic crowd-pleaser. 2025 continues to showcase modern horror's rise to respect, with a completely original, fiendishly clever, darkly funny, and "eye-bulgingly" odd trip from the world we know into a place that you really just need to see to believe for yourself. 4 1/2 Stars. Rated R For Scary Images, Child Endangerment, Graphic Violence, Haunting Hag Wigs, And Zombified Zooming.
The Naked Gun by James Eagan ★★★★ out of ★★★★★
Image: Imagine him explaining what Midi-chlorians are while wearing that.
When was the last time we got an honest to goodness, old fashioned, not caring about the logistics of studio norm comedy? Not something experimental, drawn out to be both a comedy or drama, or trying to have anything remotely important to say. No! Just the most intentionally surreally stupid thing you've ever seen in your life, where the only intention is just to make you laugh. If anything, it dares you not to laugh. Like the filmmakers were holding a gun to your head, waiting to pull the trigger the moment you have the balls to groan at a joke. This is what I call "Life or Death" comedy.
A legacy reboot to the cop spoof trilogy of the same name, this new version of "The Naked Gun" follows hard-edged, absurdly badass cop, "Frank Drebin Jr." (Liam Neeson), the son of the late "Frank Drebin" (Previously played by Leslie Nielsen) of "Police Squad". Frank's loose interpretation of law enforcement repeatedly gets him into trouble. Against orders, Frank takes up a case for beautiful femme fatale, "Beth Davenport" (Pamela Anderson), to investigate the premused suicide of her brother. Frank's investigation leads him to the obviously villainous tech mogul, "Richard Cane" (Danny Huston), while Beth tries to assist herself, resulting in her and Frank falling in love. When Cane's diabolical plans for world domination get underway, involving an electronic device literally referred to as the "P.L.O.T. DEVICE", Frank's mission to make his late daddy proud, save the world, get the girl, and look totally awesome doing it takes itself down roads of stupidity that we haven't seen in a film for almost three decades.
Directed by Akiva Schaffer ("Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping", "Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers"), who co-wrote the screenplay with previous collaborators Dan Gregor and Doug Mand, along with a producing credit from Seth MacFarlane ("Family Guy", "Ted"), "The Naked Gun" knows what it has to live up to, what will happen if it doesn't get it right, and that for some time now, the very concept of old school parody has been dead. From Adam Sandler, Tyler Perry, those a-holes who did "Epic Movie" (And others like it), and even the original creators of "The Naked Gun" themselves, David Zucker, Jim Abrahams, and Jerry Zucker, everyone lost sight of what made parody films come alive. It's not just about making references, big name cameos, juvenile humor, and being dumb for the sake of being dumb. It's all about the creativity and surprise intelligence that goes behind such things. Most of all though, it's about the commitment to the bit. Schaffer already seems to have an understanding of that and crafts a hilariously off the rails farce that doesn't have a remotely serious one in its body, skewering anything and anyone for the sake of a joke without the need to abide by modern movic logistics or standards. Whether it be the way that the film is basically shot and plotted out like a sh*tty cop thriller (That still finds ways to drift into Sci-Fi territory) or all while the story is moving along, there appears to be the most nonsensical Looney Tunes antics going on in the background (Almost telling a completely different story), the audience is given rapid fire, unrelenting laughs that actually kind of make the film painful to watch in places. You really don't know how to stop laughing, particularly when the filmmakers go out of their way to intentionally run a joke into the ground, where the humor goes from coming from the gag itself to just taking things to such immature levels of absurdity. There are separate moments like this, such as one involving a dog that's commendably childish and one brilliantly bonkers sequence involving a snowman that literally detours the plot for no reason other than likely because the filmmakers refused to stop.
Too many parodies in the past decades either wanted to take themselves too seriously or seemed to get the idea that they needed to be so self-aware to the point they ironically became parodies of actual parodies. They forgot that the fun comes from how the characters have no idea they're in a comedy, playing it straight against neverending buffoonery. That's why Liam Neeson (Who I only just released has a name that sounds very close to Leslie Nielsen) is absolutely perfect for this. Neeson, seeming to know that too many of his own overly serious action movies have gotten so ridiculous that they border on comedies, never once breaks character. He acts like what I assume Steven Seagal thinks he is. This Frank Drebin is always gruff, violent, damn near sociopathic, and hasn't the slightest clue that he's just as responsible for any kind of destruction that befalls his city than actual criminals. What's even funnier is that he's still some ironically cooler than a lot of other action heroes who are too afraid to look stupid. Neeson also has impeccable chemistry with the thoroughly charming (And still thoroughly lovely) Pamela Anderson, and yeah, I can totally buy that they're currently dating. They're a perfect match, both deserving of the spotlight. Danny Huston looks to be relishing every moment of his over the top villain role, doing such a great job that you almost buy him as a threat until you actually take a moment to think about how his plan makes no sense (Think the first "Kingsman" movie, with a much smaller budget and holes that the writers shrugged off as too unimportant to fill). We also get other delightful performances from the likes of the always welcome Paul Walter Hauser (as "Ed Hocken Jr.", the son of the late George Kennedy's character from the original), Kevin Durand (as Cane's appropriately evil looking henchman), Liza Koshy (as "Barnes", another detective of Police Squad), Busta Rhymes (as a bank robber, previously charged for what Drebin misreads as "Man's Laughter"), and CCH Pounder (as the always yelling chief of Police Squad). There are also quite a few cameos that had my audience in tears, with them only progressively getting more outrageous as the movie goes on.
With the right balance of smarts and stupid, "The Naked Gun" embraces everything that you remember from classic spoof comedies, whether it be carefully constructed pun-manship, appropriately inappropriate satire, an occasional genuinely clever juvenile joke, and sometimes whatever strange visual gag that the filmmakers either cautiously put together from the ground up or just made up on the spot because "Why the Hell not?". And it's not even an hour and a half. So it never overstays its welcome. It's an absolute blast and proof that comedy itself isn't dead. We just needed something actually funny. Who would have thunk it? 4 Stars. Rated PG-13 For Loads Of Crude Humor, Bumbling Police Brutality, Excessive Coffee Drinking, More "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" Lore Than I Expected, Big Balls, And Sensual Slaying Snowmen.
The Bad Guys 2 by James Eagan ★★★★ out of ★★★★★
Image: They just stole the whole Aura Farm.
Okay Disney, the ball is in your court now! I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm very much excited for "Zootopia 2" (And I'm just shocked it took them so long to do a sequel in the first place. Seemed kind of designed for it), but in terms of visually stunning, out of this world animation, you got a lot to compete with this year. Between "Predator: Killer of Killers", "Ne Zha 2", and now "The Bad Guys 2", we're being shown what you can do with the medium and why it can rival even the highest budgeted of live-action films when it comes to big screen thrills. Especially when this already could count as one of the most adrenaline pumping, highly intense and anxiety inducing films of 2025. I'm being completely serious here by the way!
Follow the events of the last film (And very loosely based on the graphic novel series by Aaron Blabey, "The Bad Guys 2" finds the titular "Bad Guys", consisting of their charismatic leader, "Mr. Wolf" (Sam Rockwell), the grouchy "Mr. Snake" (Marc Maron), the resident hacker "Ms. Tarantula" (Awkwafina), the maniacal "Mr. Piranha" (Anthony Ramos), and the so-called "Master of Disguise", "Mr. Shark" (Craig Robinson), saved the day and went good.....Kind of. After being released from prison, the Bad Guys attempt to integrate themselves back into society and find proper jobs, with absolutely no success whatsoever. Despite the approval of "Diane Foxington" (Zazie Beetz), the governor/former secret criminal by name of "The Crimson Paw", the Bad Guys start to feel that no matter what they do people will just never accept them. However, after a series of mysterious robberies of a magnetic metal known as "MacGuffinite" (With the movie itself basically addressing how they didn't even try with that name), everyone immediately suspect that the Bad Guys are back to their old bad ways, especially the former chief turned commissioner "Misty Luggins" (Alex Borstein),
Wolf comes up with the idea to catch the real thief and prove to the people that he and his buddies are good, only to suspect that Snake, who has been acting uncharacteristically cheerful lately, is the one behind the robberies. Wolf and the others end up finding out instead at Snake has found himself a girlfriend, a raven named "Susan" (Natasha Lyonne). This ends up being an elaborate scheme to frame the Bad Guys, ruining any chance of redemption in the eyes of the public. Susan, aka "Doom", is in reality part of a criminal trio, made up of a giddy boar, "Pigtail Petrova" (Maria Bakalova) and their snow leopard leader, "Kitty Kat" (Danielle Brooks). Kitty wants to pull off a heist involving a tech billionaire, "Mr. Moon" (Colin Jost), his state of the art space rocket, and heaping piles of MacGuffinite, forcing the Bad Guys to assist them. The Bad Guys reluctantly agree, only to question if either the good life that they've always wanted might actually be the best life for them or if they're just better off being bad.
Directed by the returning Pierre Perifel, with a screenplay by Yoni Brenner ("Rio 2" and a couple of the "Ice Age" films) and Etan Cohen ("Tropic Thunder", "Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa", along with the first "The Bad Guys"), "The Bad Guys 2" really takes the surprise success of the first film, goes for bigger and better, without feeling like overload. In fact, this is one of those animated sequels that feels so natural, as if the first film would have been incomplete without it. Once again released by DreamWorks Animation, it's a mischievously clever, hilarious, and imaginatively animated blockbuster with bigger stakes, more cartoonish insanity, and animation that's so masterfully done that you wish that start to wonder why anyone would criticize you for just wanting to watch what they consider "A Kiddie Cartoon" because live-action could never replicate this kind of excitement. If the first movie was more of an "Ocean's Eleven" or a family friendly Tarantino inspired play on the heist genre, Perifel turns this one into a James Bond or "Mission: Impossible"-esque thriller. It's still set in a wacky world of talking animals and humans, along with for some reason some non-talking animals, where everything and everyone moves at rapid, "SpiderVerse"-like speed and freneticism (Like a more sugar rush induced version of other DreamWorks Animation films like "Puss in Boots: The Last Wish" and "The Wild Robot"). However, that means that it doesn't have to play by the same rules that would apply to real people. We have expressively over expressive characters, random switches between 3D-esque and 2D animation meant to only put emphasis on a comic book-like moment, and surprisingly intense, edge of your seat thrilling action sequences that look jaw dropping in a big theater. We'll have an elaborate car chase scene, followed by an intentionally over the top riot, and a literally out of this world finale that's so insane that I bet Tom Cruise wishes he physically could do it.
A big name celebrity voice cast can sometimes be seen as a sign of desperation (Just look at "Smurfs" just a couple weeks ago), but when the right ones are selected you actually struggle to separate their distinctive voice performance from the animated character. Such is the case here with the returning cast from the first movie. Sam Rockwell just oozes the right amount of charm and sincerity, equally likable, funny performances from Awkwafina, Craig Robinson (Really having a blast here), Anthony Ramos, and especially Marc Maron (Once again a scene-stealer). The new additions are great, with a rather menacing, even scary at times Danielle Brooks, an energetically unrecognizable Maria Bakalova, and Natasha Lyonne, who always delights, particularly when it comes to embracing her distinctive raspy voice. We get other returning voices, like Zazie Beetz (The sexual tension between Wolf and Diane is freakin wild. I've never quite seen that in an animated family film with anthropomorphic animals), Alex Borstein, and a hilarious short appearance from Richard Ayoade (as "Professor Marmalade", the diabolical guinea pig from the first film, who has been hardened in prison), making for one of the film's funniest sight gags. Something I really love about the character designs (And it's something one rarely notices with animation) is how the characters dress, not always wearing the same thing. The fashion further adds emphasis to who the characters are and says so much more than most dialogue would.
While the film's zippy nature might not be entirely for everyone (Sometimes it's easy to get lost in how much can go on at once), "The Bad Guys 2" is sure to be a hit with the kids, the adults, the furries (Oh God, if they couldn't handle the first one...), and anyone else who had been eagerly waiting for the return of DreamWorks' most endearingly snarky anti-heroes. With lots of big laughs, mesmerizing visuals, and a third act so suspenseful and gripping that you just might start to demand more from your usual so-called "Grown Up" action movies. I hope this does well because I can definitely see these lovable rogues becoming DreamWorks' next great franchise. 4 Stars. Rated PG For Some Occasional Semi-Adult Content (Oh The Wolf/Diane Fan Art), Feisty Fishy Flatulence, Snake Abs, And The Most Disturbing Make Out Session Ever Put To Film.
War of the Worlds by James Eagan No Stars out of ★★★★★
Image: The face you likely made when you saw that this movie existed too.
Dude! What the f*ck?
Very, very, VERY loosely based on the 1898 novel by H. G. Wells, "War of the Worlds" is a Screenlife film (Meaning that it takes place completely on computer screens) that follows Department of Homeland Security surveillance expert, "Will Radford" (Ice Cube). After the death of his wife, Will has become a total control freak, ruining his relationships with his gamer son, "Dave" (Henry Hunter Hall) and his pregnant, researcher daughter, "Faith" (Iman Benson). While working to capture a notorious hacker that's always one step ahead of him, Will's NASA friend, "Sandra" (Eva Longoria) notices some strange anomalies with the weather. Suddenly, the world is attacked by a deadly meteor shower, unleashing giant alien Tri-Pods that proceed to terrorize the planet. As Will attempts to connect with and protect his family, he discovers that the aliens might have other motives for their invasion other than human extinction, along with the revelation of a government conspiracy that's so moronic that if I actually tried to explain it you'd swear I was just making crap up. Or that I was on crack while watching this.
Directed by music video and commercial director Rich Lee, with a screenplay by Kenneth A. Golde ("The Job") and Marc Hyman ("Show Dogs"), "War of the Worlds" is produced by Screenlife pioneer Timur Bekmambetov, responsible for other Screenlife films such as "Searching" and "Missing", among others. Some of these, like the films I just mentioned, have been pretty damn good, with clever premises and wonderfully experimental use of the gimmick. Hell, I'll even say that while the "Unfriended" films were trashy, they were still a lot of fun in their own way. This right here though is what happens when that concept goes horrifically, almost hilariously, and heinously wrong. Dumped on Amazon Prime out of nowhere with little fanfare, the film began production in the middle of COVID about five years ago, likely having been sitting on a shelf this entire time until Jeff Bezos saw fit to release it upon the poor, unsuspecting masses who until this point had no idea what a cinematic atrocity actually looks like. This is a rare movie where just everything you could imagine just doesn't work. The movie genuinely opens with possible promise (I mean, a modern, lower budget take on "War of the Worlds" from a technological standpoint could be relevant), but even then, something always feels off. Whether it be Ice Cube sitting in front of a clearly fake background for 95% of the runtime, the contrived explanations for the film's premise, and some really awkward acting where you question if a director was ever even around, the charm of other films with this concept isn't there.
Then the actual alien invasion starts and you really see why this either needed another few rewrites or should have just been abandoned outright. The limitations of the gimmick start to show and I'm not even talking about getting into how technology would even work in a situation like this (I'm not expert, yet considering my internet is always wonky, it's safe to assume a freakin alien invasion would make it worse). When all the filmmakers can think of to simulate an earthquake or an explosion consists of just shaking the camera around and making Ice Cube wobble around in front of a fake background that never once changes (Despite there being other empty chairs and computers in sight), you wonder if this is some kind of silly ass joke. The special effects too are abysmal, with the film for some reason lingering on them as if they're proud of how fake they look (Anytime someone is meant to be looking up at a Tri-Pod or running away from one, they fail to hide the fact that they're literally looking at nothing). The film doesn't even utilize the Screen life aspects very well, having footage that looks too good to be seemingly "caught in the moment", being overly clear and crisp, allowing for the fake looking effects to take up the screen.
It's one of those projects where no actor can really salvage it. Ice Cube seems to have been told to remain scowling, to rarely raise his voice even in dire situations, and react to, you know, world ending events with either an Ice Cubey "Dayum" or a "Whoah" (Surprised he never once said "That's Wack!" after someone gets stepped on by an alien). Eva Longoria is given such a depressingly thankless role as an expository piece and Clark Gregg (as "Briggs", Will's boss) tries his best to remain professional with such a lousily written part that eventually results in him just giving up and no longer caring. It's already a pretty awkwardly made, unpleasant to look at, and hypnotically stupid watch for the first half, only for the movie to eventually lose its damn mind in the second half. We get the most insane plot twist that I've seen in a movie in some time, where any and all realism (If there was any left) is thrown out the window. It doesn't stop there as the film gets progressively more incoherent and unhinged to the point where I just started losing track of what the Hell was going on. It seems that the film is trying to make a point about over-surveillance, yet oddly kind of endorses it too. This is especially confusing when the movie stops to literally promote Amazon Prime Air, with a character remarking on how it's the future and uses an Amazon drone to help save the day, complete with the camera lingering on the box and that Amazon Prime logo. That's not just egregious. That's evil! There's also another sense of vileness behind some aspects of the backdrop, with the movie having some exposition delivered via social media posts courtesy of the likes of Chuck Schumer, Tucker Carlson, and Joe Rogan. Like, what's the point of their inclusion? Why are they supposedly commenting on any of this? This is one of the only times where I actually questioned if a movie had been AI generated because that was way too random!
"War of the Worlds" is a car crash of a film that lazily does nothing intelligent with its premise, leaves its actors (And audience) lost and confused, and looks repulsively cheap for a company with so much money at their disposal. Just from a technical standpoint, this is easily the worst thing I've seen in 2025 so far. It really makes one consider just cancelling their Amazon Prime account out of principle. Sure, we all know Amazon is an evil organization as it is, but this feels like extra levels of sinister and wicked. The true sign of the apocalypse. No Stars, because why and how would I even go about giving it any? Rated PG-13 For Alien Attacks, Incomplete CGI, And The Possibility That Amazon Air Is About To Drone Strike Me Right Now Just As I'm Publishing This Review. RESIST!!!!
The Fantastic Four: First Steps by James Eagan ★★★★ out of ★★★★★
Image: They really are, well, Fantastic!
The phrase "We're So Back!" is tossed around a lot these days, to the point it's just a meme by this point. It's also been applied to the "Marvel Cinematic Universe" countless times post "Avengers: Endgame", centered around the MCU's sense of inconsistency. People will literally shout that every time they make a good movie, which has happened quite a few times to the point where you gotta ask if anyone actually knows what that means anymore. However, this is the first time in quite a while where we have two all around positively received entries in the MCU back to back (With "Thunderbolts*" just having come out a couple months ago). It gives off the feeling that Marvel is getting themselves back on track, reminding us of a time where they just popped out success after success, with blemishes so small that you hardly notice them. That alone at least warrants a "We're So Back". If you ask me though, seeing the usual grouchy, pessimistic, thoroughly pretentious and just plain whiny naysayers online (Who seemed to be relishing the current MCU's mixed reception in recent years) are now back to being intentionally left out of the fun, looking like the depressing haters they are. At least for two movies in a row. Still unsure of what the future holds, but if that sticks, it will warrant the ultimate "We're So Back!".
Set in the "Marvel Cinematic Universe" (Though taking place in an alternate timeline referred to as "828", which has a retro, 60s/futuristic style), "The Fantastic Four: First Steps" follows the titular world known heroes, known as "The Fantastic Four", consisting of the highly intelligent (Possibly too intelligent), but well meaning, stretchy powered "Reed Richards/Mister Fantastic" (Pedro Pascal), the graceful heart of the team/Reed's wife, and force field creating "Sue Storm/Invisible Woman" (Vanessa Kirby), the reckless, but smarter than he's given credit for younger brother to Sue, appropriately named "Johnny Storm/Human Torch" (Joseph Quinn), and super strong, warm natured "Ben Grimm/The Thing" (Ebon Moss-Bachrach), who is made completely out of orange rock. The heroes were exposed to cosmic rays that made them the way they are now, using their abilities to protect the people of the world from a variety of colorfully comic booky threats, with Sue revealing that she's now pregnant, leaving everyone unsure about what the baby will be like, yet ecstatic about a new member of the family.
However, their happiness is short lived when Earth receives a visit from a shiny alien herald known as "The Silver Surfer" (Julia Garner), who states that the world has been marked for death at the hands of a massive, terrifying, godlike being and great devourer named "Galactus" (Ralph Ineson). To protect the world, the Fantastic Four decide to confront Galactus before he can consume it, only for Galactus to offer sparing the planet in exchange for something that the Fantastic Four in good conscience can't go through with. This puts the heroes at odds with the people of Earth, with only a limited amount of time before Galactus arrives. Now the Fantastic Four must find a way to protect their growing family, as well as everyone on the planet, looking for an alternative way to keep Galactus at bay.
Directed by Matt Shakman ("WandaVision"), with a screenplay from Josh Friedman ("Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes") and Eric Pearson ("Black Widow", "Transformers One", "Thunderbolts*"), along with Jeff Kaplan and Ian Springer, "The Fantastic Four: First Steps" doesn't have the highest of bars to reach. The iconic superhero team from Marvel Comics has yet to have a good movie (Or even just an okay one.....Or even a watchable one) before the MCU, with failures including the 2005 film and its sequel, along with a disastrous 2015 reboot and even an unreleased 1994 film that alone seemed to curse the property. Marvel's first family couldn't catch a break, leaving only Marvel itself to hopefully be the ones to make it finally work. This is a defining moment for Marvel, as well as the MCU as a whole, and I'm delighted to report that the film is absolutely wonderful, doing justice to the beloved characters and giving them the big screen treatment they always deserved. Much of this is in part thanks to Shakman, whose direction perfectly crafts such a gorgeous, visual aesthetic, with the film just embracing the fact that it's a comic book movie.
Similar to "Superman" just a couple weeks ago, the film forgoes the origin story (We're at the point where we don't even truly need those anymore) and instead drops you right into this new world, giving you only the information that you need, then letting the work speak for itself. It's a feast for the eyes, with stunning visuals, some pretty groundbreaking CGI effects (We still can't get CGI babies completely right, but we just have to accept that), impeccable set and production design, and even some impressive practical effects in places. It looks like it just leaped right off the pages of the classic comics from Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, then grows to new spectacle fueled heights that demand the IMAX treatment. There's a wild sequence in space that's equal amounts terrifying, exhilarating, and genuinely breathtaking. I also just got to give a shout out to the sound designers, right down to the little added detail of just being able to hear/feel the Thing's rocky movements throughout. You wonder how we ever once accepted anything less.
Obviously what also really does these characters justice is the casting, as well as their chemistry together, showing that you don't truly need an origin story to get the idea that these characters are a genuine family. Pedro Pascal, continuing to just be everywhere, has this character down, being a brilliant mind who is sometimes too scientific for his own good, yet nonetheless loving and likable (And they somehow got Mister Fantastic's powers to NOT look like total sh*t for once!). Vanessa Kirby, who encompasses the very definition of the word "Beautiful" in every scene she's in, is terrific in such an emotionally powerful performance. Joseph Quinn gives the right amount of snark and one-liners, mixed in with hidden depth, while Ebon Moss-Bachrach is as flawless a casting choice as we could have hoped, where you often forget that there are likely moments where he's just voicing the character and instead just see, well, The Thing, right in front of your eyes like a real person. Julia Garner brings a quiet, tragic complexity to her character, while Ralph Ineson (And his epic, booming voice) is a menacing villain that never ends up coming across as just another generic "End of the World" monster, but rather a being with a purpose and possibly a little something more sorrowful hidden beneath. The film actually does have some strong themes of serving your best interests even with the most noble of intentions versus doing right for others and for the betterment of your world (Really makes for a great double feature with "Superman" now that I think about it).
We get really solid supporting work from Sarah Niles (as "Lynne Nicholas", Sue's close friend and ally to the Fantastic Four), Mark Gatiss (as "Ted Gilbert", host of a talk show that the Fantastic Four frequently appear on), a hilarious Paul Walter Hauser (as "Harvey Elder/Mole Man", a subterranean supervillain, who really isn't much of a villain), and an adorably charming Natasha Lyonne (as "Rachel Rozman", a woman that Ben has a romantic interest in), who isn't in the movie near enough. The movie's surprisingly short runtime does leave one to ask for a little bit more at times, but then again, it's still pretty nice to get a good amount of character and heart in a movie that doesn't even reach two hours. Also, how can you not love the team's little robot assistant, "H.E.R.B.I.E." (Voiced by Matthew Wood)? We all wish we had a little robo-companion like him!
Visually fantastic (Heh), full of heart, with an epic score from the always welcome Michael Giacchino (Responsible for the scores of both "Incredibles" films and all the Tom Holland "Spider-Man" films) and purely unapologetic comic book wonder, "The Fantastic Four: First Steps" is yet another imaginative, funny, action packed, and overall just plain marvelous summer blockbuster. Remember the days of audiences erupting in riotous applause over the most absurdly nerdy things imaginable? And I'm not talking about that damn "Chicken Jockey" thing! This left me smiling from ear to ear, and of course, joining in the over the top reactions of the audience during the post credits scene. Maybe we really are back! A Clobberin' good time! 4 Stars. Rated PG-13 For Sci-Fi Action, Excessive Limb Stretching, Fantastic Flame-Ones, Rock Hard Things, And Galactus Guzzling.
Smurfs by James Eagan ★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: Hear Me Out...
I know what you're all thinking. Who out there is just clamoring for more "Smurfs"? Is it a thing still? I know the original Belgian comics by Peyo and the old cartoon are considered semi-classics, but those were simple stories that never screamed "Need to see Cinema". Yet we've somehow had two live-action films (Which made money the first time, only to flop later), an animated reboot (That flopped), and now another animated reboot (That I can also see flopping). I think I've only just figured out what it is about the "Smurfs" that keep convincing movie studios that we want more and more, and that's thanks to good old fashioned Capitalism. "Smurfs" have been a gold mine of merchandise, from plushies to toys and especially those collectible little figurines of each little Smurf, doing their one Smurf thing/personality trait (I'll even admit those are kind of charming). It has nothing to do with the actual story, characters, or the depth of the IP, but rather that people just like having "Smurfs" stuff. Like a Beanie Baby or a Funko Pop. Or like how your weird Aunt or Grandma posts those "Minions" memes, despite knowing nothing about them.
"Smurfs" opens in "Smurf Village", where all the blue little Socialist gremlins live in peace and harmony, always dancing and singing under the leadership of "Papa Smurf" (John Goodman). There's load of other Smurfs in the village, which the only (Overtly) female Smurf, "Smurfette" (Rihanna), who all have mostly one trait or thing that they do, with the exception of "No Name" (James Corden). No Name is determined to find his "Thing" to be like the other Smurfs, seemingly gaining magic powers, only for it to result in Papa getting kidnapped. At first, the Smurfs think this is the work of their longtime Nemesis, the wizard "Gargamel" (JP Karliak), only for them to learn that this is actually the work of Gargamel's even more evil brother, "Razamel" (Also JP Karliak). It turns out that Razamel is part of a council of other evil intergalactic wizards, "Asmodius" (Octavia Spencer), "Chernobog" (Nick Kroll), and "Jezebeth" (Hannah Waddingham), and that the Smurfs themselves are actually descendents of guardians of the universe, hoping to keep four magical, talking books out of the hands of the vile wizards.
One of the books, "Jaunty" (Amy Sedaris), has been hidden by Papa, with Razamel wanting to find it so he can dominate the universe and wipe out all things good. Smurfette, No Name, "Hefty Smurf" (Alex Winter), "Brainy Smurf" (Xolo Maridueña), "Clumsy Smurf" (Hugo Miller), "Grouchy Smurf" (Chris Miller), "Worry Smurf" (Billie Lourd), "Vanity Smurf" (Maya Erskine), the "Sound Effects Smurf" (Spencer X), and for some reason, a "Turtle" (Marshmello), embark on a quest to save Papa, which leads them to taking a portal to the real world, where they meet Papa's brother, "Ken" (Nick Offerman). Together, these collective blue demons from Hell take on the evil wizards in hopes of rescuing Papa and the entire universe. Ya got all that?
Directed by Chris Miller ("Shrek the Third", "Puss in Boots"), with a screenplay by Pam Brady (Known for early work on "South Park" and "Ruby Gillman, Teenage Kraken"), "Smurfs" is obviously meant for only the youngest audience, even more so than the previous franchise attempts. So I'm clearly not the demographic here, and I get that. And yeah, it's not like there's exactly a high bar to reach with these movies since not a single one of them has ever been good. Sadly, this not only continues the trend, yet also might technically be the worst one out of all of them. That's because in spite of being aimed at five year olds or younger, it's also really convoluted, often incoherent, and gets so wrapped up in its own, surprisingly uncreative surreality that it's not remotely any fun. It kind of feels like homework trying to keep track of all the various plot points and expanded lore (Because that's exactly what the Smurfs needed. More lore!). The movie starts with some promise, with a nice showcase of the animation's colorful aesthetic. Its lively squash and stretch design of the characters emulates the art style of the original comics to the point that they look like 2D drawings leaping right off the pages (Complete with occasional thought bubbles). Sure, the gags themselves are mostly one note, but they're at least harmless. However, it's like the filmmakers just couldn't resist complicating things, with the Smurfs being transported to the live-action real world (Just like they did in the first two films), except this time, there isn't any focus on live-action human characters. Normally, that'd be perfectly okay. The problem is that not only are these sequences in the real world made up of nothing but the animated characters bouncing around basic footage of people simply walking around and never reacting to any of the characters around them, it also clashes with the animation itself. There's a few moments where I swear that the animation's cut down frame rate was lagging due to my theater's projector, only to eventually realize that this is just how the movie looks. It's pretty, perfectly solid animation, that unfortunately doesn't gel with the live-action. Then things get even more strange, where the characters will go to a photorealistic, completely computer generated segment that's trying to look like live-action. I haven't even gotten into the fact that there are animated human characters, which makes the whole concept of there also being live-action humans walking around even more confusing. I know I shouldn't be thinking about a Smurfs movie THIS much, though that's hard not to do when your movie doesn't have any sense of rules or identity from the start. It's funny that we focus so much on a Smurf called No Name, trying to discover who he really is, when the movie itself doesn't seem to have a clue what it is either. There's a brief moment where some characters are transported across a couple different dimensions (Complete with different art styles, from an 8-bit game to claymation), but it only comes towards the end. Too little, too late.
It's already a waste of what could have made for a few cool visuals, and speaking of wasting things, we haven't even gotten into the film's bizarre ensemble cast. So much of the marketing was based around Rihanna (With the tagline "Rihanna IS Smurfette" being plastered everywhere), and the movie never gives a clear reason why, aside from her contribution to the soundtrack. She's arguably as much of a main character as No Name and while she's not sleepwalking through the role, there just isn't anything to this character. It's more of a distraction than anything because Rihanna's voice never sounds right coming out of that character. We also got James Corden on the other hand not giving a hint of a damn in the slightest in a part that could have been filled in by anyone. Again, the movie chooses to follow the most uninteresting of characters, especially when everyone is literally as colorful as possible. There's particularly special about most of the other Smurfs, with the likes of Billie Lourd, Xolo Maridueña, Alex Winter, Amy Sedaris (That talking book was a thoroughly useless liability), Sandra Oh (as "Moxie Smurf", Ken's daughter, who stops being a part of the movie at some point), and Kurt Russell (as "Ron", the most brave Smurf of Papa and Ken's guardian trio, who was lost prior to the film's events), mostly popping in to give a one liner before fading into the background. Not to mention the total underutilization of Octavia Spencer, Nick Kroll, and Hannah Waddingham, who all give enthusiastic, unrecognizable voice work for what I can only remember were about two or three lines each. There are a handful of standouts, like a perfectly cast John Goodman (Although some of Papa's decision making doesn't add up. Really Smurfed everyone over by not telling them anything!), JP Karliak (Having a ball hamming it up as both Gargamel and Razamel) gets a couple chuckles, Dan Levy (as "Joel", Razamel's dorky assistant), Nick Offerman (Who was born to play an old Smurf, and I can't describe why), a delightful Natasha Lyonne (as "Mama Poot", the frenetic leader of a group of living hairballs called "The Snooterpoots"), and the random, perplexing appearance of Jimmy Kimmel (as some kind of squeaky voiced, interdimensional water bear-looking thing). What was the deal with the turtle? The movie was acting like he was going to be a main character for a while, only to drop him from the plot after the first thirty minutes.
Blandly unfunny and not even annoying enough to be entertainingly bad, "Smurfs" is a wildly hard to follow and overall boring mess that I can't even see many young kids wanting to drag their parents to. It seemingly wants to be a musical at first, only to drop it for a while and then try to pick it back up when convenient, with odd pacing issues where things are happening so slowly or too fast to the point major events will just happen offscreen, and tries to pile on so many ideas that never truly connect. I mean, some of the other "Smurfs" movies weren't good either, though at least whether you loved or hated them, you'd remember it to a degree. Sometimes they'd just be so moronic that you couldn't help but laugh at it. This doesn't even have that. There's no magic here. Just an empty, childish waste of time. Think of a reheated "Trolls" movie. 1 1/2 Stars. Rated PG For Goofy Antics, Hardcore Smurfing, Smurfing With Smurf-Itude, Smurf-Heads, And Smurf Smurfing All Of A Smurf's Smurf With A Ten Inch Smurf. Smurf!
I Know What You Did Last Summer by James Eagan ★★ out of ★★★★★
Image: And some balding, triple chinned guys online claim she isn't hot anymore.
It was just "Some Guy". That was the twist. The whole movie was spent trying to figure out who is stalking them and killing people, then at the very end, it's revealed to be literally just a guy. And then they're all like "Of Course!". No! Not of course! Turns out the fisherman with a hook was, wait for it, a fisherman. With a hook. How did THAT become a slasher staple? I'm starting to think that the original "I Know What You Did Last Summer" was only remembered because everyone liked Jennifer Love Hewitt and Sarah Michelle Gellar, thinking they were Lesbians. And, well, yeah, they should have been Lesbians and ran away together, to live happily ever after. It would have been beautiful. The bottom line is that this Legacy Sequel doesn't have the highest bar to reach. Also, bet you had no clue that these movies were based on a 1973 novel that it has absolutely nothing to do with?
Following the the events of the original 1997 film (While ignoring that atrocious straight to video threequel, as well as just being really vague about the also terrible sequel), this new "I Know What You Did Last Summer" follows another group of friends in Southport, "Ava" (Chase Sui Wonders), "Danica" (Madelyn Cine), "Milo" (Jonah Hauer-King), "Teddy" (Tyriq Withers), and "Stevie" (Sarah Pidgeon), as they're out on the road, over some precarious cliffs, being drunk and stupid, only to end being an accessory to a car accident. Despite efforts to help, they fail to save the poor driver (Who goes crashing off the road and off a cliff), with Teddy's rich father, "Grant" (Billy Campbell), using his influence to just make it all go away. The friends, with Ava most of all being unsure about it, decide it's best to just pretend it never happened and take the secret of their involvement to the graves. However after they reunite a year later, Danica receives a message from an unknown person stating "I Know What You Did Last Summer", which is followed by being hunted by a serial killer, dressed up as a fisherman with a hook. While the police of Southport would rather cover things up to keep tourism running smoothly, Ava and her friends find help from "Julie James" (Jennifer Love Hewitt) and "Ray Bronson" (Freddie Prinze Jr.), two survivors of an eerily similar situation back in the 90s.
Dirted by Jennifer Kaytin Robinson ("Do Revenge"), who co-wrote the screenplay by Sam Lansky, "I Know What You Did Last Summer" suffers from the same exact issue that plagued the franchise from the start. It's just a lesser version of the "Scream" franchise, like a copycat killer, with the usual style or grace of the far superior product. I mean, this one doesn't even truly try to hide it, right down to just having the same title as the original film (Similar to 2022 "Scream" reused the same title as the 1996 one), along with bringing back original cast members to help our new generation in the exact same situation. Maybe that's part of the charm. I can at least say that this is a slightly stronger film than the others in this franchise (And that includes even the first one). Some of which is due to Jennifer Kaytin Robinson's competent direction, upping the gore game, having a few more likable characters, and most importantly, actually having a buildup to our killer. Now much of this is by following the good old slasher playbook, without much originality added to it. Then again though, that's what the fans want and that's exactly what the fans get.
What the movie really gets right is its appealing leads. Chase Sui Wonders and especially Madelyn Cline (Who has some great comic timing) bring so much more to the film than even what's entirely necessary. I also don't necessarily have anything bad to say about the other main characters, although Sarah Pidgeon gets the short end of the stick of the group in terms of actual character. There's some extra characters who appear to be either victims or red herrings, which never quite adds up due to how little screentime they get to the point you don't remotely buy them being the killer for a second. It is great to see Jennifer Love Hewitt back, who never once phones it in, and the same goes for Freddie Prinze Jr., who is quite excellent here and even gets to redeem his once useless character from the original. There's also a brilliant cameo that makes the entire film mostly worth it, almost on the same level of the late Tony Todd's moving appearance in "Final Destination: Bloodlines" (That's how you do fanservice right). Now the actual killer reveal is a little obvious and pretty damn weak, though unlike the first film, there is actual buildup to it. Then the film tosses in one last little, pretty fascinating and even quite bold curveball before the credits roll and while I can't say it entirely makes sense, it feels like something that should have happened in the first film and even adds a sense of poignancy to what's just trashy camp.
"I Know What You Did Last Summer" is the best of the bunch, though not by much. It's a by the numbers slasher, with a few tongue in cheek chuckles, some good performances, and isn't without a good twist of the bloody hook. It's also not all that sharp and still can't find its way out of the shadows of other franchises that basically do the same exact thing, but just better. It's not the worst summer, yet not one entirely worth remembering. 2 Stars. Rated R For Strong Violence, Language, And Heinous Hooking.
Madea's Destination Wedding by James Eagan ½ out of ★★★★★
Image: That's the "Just got served Lawsuit Papers" face.
Tyler! Buddy! Bro! You let me down! Again! You promised years ago that Madea was done. Promised me that she was dead and gone! But nooooooo! You had to be a dirty, dirty liar! You not only brought her back once, but twice. Twice! This malevolent monstrosity of motherly maliciousness is from an era that should have died out decades ago. It would have been so simple to just move on, and yet that wig and dress was calling to you like a loud, obnoxious, unfunny demonic entity wishing to be unleashed back onto the world. I'm so disappointed in you and your inability to, well, try. Oh, and you know, there's the whole "Sexual Assault" allegations that weirdly I'm not hearing too much about right now. Very disappointed.
Set in the ever-confusing "Madea Cinematic Universe" (The Other MCU), "Madea's Destination Wedding" opens with the always whiny, always pathetic "Brian Simmons" (Tyler Perry) learning from his hot, but rather evil ex wife, "Debra" (Taja V. Simpson), that their daughter, "Tiffany" (Diamond White) is getting married to some guy (Xavier Smalls), with Brian being guilt tripped into paying for everything, including the trip to the Bahamas (Where the wedding will be held). Brian also brings along the usual gang of annoying caricatures, which include his aunt "Madea" (Also played by Tyler Perry), his abusive father "Joe" (Again, Tyler Perry), "Aunt Bam" (Cassi Davis Patton), "Mr. Brown" (David Mann), "Cora" (Tamela Mann), and his son, "B.J." (Jermaine Harris). The family then proceeds to engage in the usual shenanigans, endless padding, and the rest of the nonsense that goes into the non-existent plots of every single one of these crimes against cinema.
Written, directed, and produced by Tyler Perry (Responsible for all the "Madea" films, along with a hodgepodge of dramas that usually end up being funnier than the comedies), "Madea's Destination Wedding" is a return to sh*tty form for a man that has been in the business so long that you would have expected him to learn from his mistakes, rather than continuously double down and reinforce them. I know that I'm never the target audience for these things, but they deserve better, damn it! After what seemed like improvement (By Tyler Perry movie standards at least) with this whole Netflix deal he's got going on, this one really feels especially cynical and heartless because of how often the film will just stop, sit down, and babble on for nearly ten minutes. It takes a plotline that could have been solved in less than half an hour and expands it to an hour and forty forty minutes, and trust me, you really start to feel that length the longer you're forced to endure bad, rambling sitcom humor (With sometimes the characters just repeating the same bad joke just moments after making it). Yeah, it's never been particularly appealing to me in the first place, yet after having watched like five or six of these "Madea" films over my film reviewing career, you'd expect some kind of, uh, I don't know, improvement? Something?
It's more of the same running gags (Madea being on the run from the law, Joe claiming to be a pimp, everyone making fun of Brian while he acts like a whiny little b*tch, and somebody being either gross, loud, or both), with the same unlikable characters, a collection of scenes that go on for too long, and the obligatory, semi-religious message that's tacked on in the last twenty minutes (And this one is especially egregious in that department, feeling like you stepped into a completely different movie). The closest to anything actually funny happens with a bit where Mr. Brown has to go to the bathroom, thinking he's going to "blow it up", only to get attacked by an air marshall moments later, and the movie even ruins a gag like that by stretching it out just past the point of being humorous anymore. It's like you're being tested to see how long it takes for a joke to become headache inducingly unfunny, and when the thing is 98% laugh free, it only takes less and less time as it progresses.
There's still that same sense of mean spiritedness as before, with Madea herself not even being the worst part anymore. I mean, she's still a danger to the world, but it can only get worse from there. Cassi Davis Patton's Aunt Bam just shouts everything she says, Taja V. Simpson's character ends up being so detestable and antagonistic to the point she's a straight up villain you demand to see punished painfully, and Tyler Perry's Joe character still continues to be a grotesquely unpleasant creation in every sense of the word (I'm not even being "Too Woke" here, but that guy just needs to go!). Still, as bad as that character is, Perry's Brian still ends up being the most irritating. He's a living doormat for everyone to constantly walk all over and take a dump on, yet never learns anything, lacks any kind of spine, and even when it seems like he's going to "Man Up" as they say, it's only because somebody else (Like Madea), essentially annoys him into doing so, generally for their own gain. At least Diamond White's character is a lot less of a brat here than her previous appearances, where it feels like she's had some kind of growth in some way (I so wanted her to just die in those "Boo!" movies). I don't even know what to say about Jermaine Harris, with the film making comments about how apparently "Childish" he still is despite his age. Is that character supposed to be special needs or something? It feels offensive in some way and I can't figure out why. I don't get the joke!
"Madea's Destination Wedding" is, and I'm sure this is a real shocker here, bad. Terribly bad. Barbarically bad. I can at least say that I'm happy that I no longer have to suffer through these in a theater (Especially when freakin "Superman" would have been playing right next door), though it still feels like a chore. Humourless, lazy, ugly, overly long and plot-free. I don't like using this term because it's tossed around so often by people don't know the meaning of the word anymore, but the only way I can describe this latest entry in Tyler Perry's now zombified "Madea" franchise is.....Soulless. Any passion or enthusiasm that may have been there before, regardless of how bad it was, is now dead and gone. As Madea should have been a long time ago. 1/2 Star. Rated PG-13 For Immaturely Mature Content, The Fact That I'm Sure Joe Has Sexually Assaulted Someone, That Fact That I'm Sure Madea Has Killed Someone, The Fact That I'm Sure Brian Would Have Killed Himself Long Ago, And For Just Ruining My Good Buzz From Seeing "Superman". Thanks!
Superman by James Eagan ★★★★★ out of ★★★★★
Image: When it hits you that you haven't taken a vacation in six years.
A new era is upon us, and I sure as Hell haven't the slightest clue as to how it's gonna go. The road here alone was filled with so many bumps, holes, craters, and aggressive irate male Redditors and YouTubers, that I'm still shocked anyone in their right mind would want to take it yet again. To put things briefly, the first attempt at a DC Comics centered shared universe known as the "DC Extended Universe", (To rival the much more successful "Marvel Cinematic Universe"), opened fairly softly with Zack Snyder's "Man of Steel" (Which didn't get the glowing reaction intended, except from the most foul smelling neck-beards online), only to progressively fall apart as it went alone. From poor box office, mixed critical and fan responses, to many behind the scenes troubles, which includes Warner Bros. not knowing what they actually wanted to do with the property, bad faith and the slight decline in the genre as a whole, along with that time Dwayne Johnson attempted to take over (Remember that? That was weird, right?), it's been kind of poisoned. Even when the films weren't bad at all, it just still wasn't clicking the same way. It makes sense that they would just toss the whole thing out and try again, with someone like James Gunn (Responsible for some of the best properties in the genre, as well as the absolute best movie in the DCEU with "The Suicide Squad"), at the helm, attempting to salvage it all. I mean, if he can't do it, who possibly can? And don't say "Bring Zack Snyder back!". That time is done! And trust me, he's happy it's done too!
Serving as the opening for the new "DC Universe" (Well, after James Gunn's animated series, "Creature Commandos" on HBO Max), "Superman" forgoes the usual origin story and instead drops us right in a world where superpowered beings, known as "Metahumans", have already long existed, with the Last Son of Krypton, "Kal-El/Superman" (David Corenswet) having begun his superhero career (While going by the human persona of "Clark Kent"). Clark works at the "Daily Planet" as a reporter in the massive city of "Metropolis", where he also has formed a relationship with spunky reporter, "Lois Lane" (Rachel Brosnahan), while retaining what little of his Kryptonian heritage at his "Fortress of Solitude" (An ice palace in Antarctica), where he is also taking care of a super-powered dog, "Krypto".
After protecting the people of "Jarhanpur" from invasion by United States ally, "Boravia", Superman has found himself at the center of controversy, with villainous billionaire/number one Superman hater, "Lex Luthor" (Nicholas Hoult), taking full advantage of this with a scheme to discredit, then eventually destroy Superman, along with everything he stands for. Clark's wide eyed idealism and wanting to do good and save lives simply because it's the right thing to do (Regardless of political affiliation, status, or even if they're human or not) has also put him at odds with other superheroes, like the self-proclaimed "Justice Gang", made up of the pompous "Guy Gardner/Green Lantern" (Nathan Fillion), the mace-wielding "Kendra Saunders/Hawkgirl" (Isabela Merced), and the stoic, technology based "Michael Holt/Mr. Terrific" (Edi Gathegi). After Lex leaks out a dark secret about Superman's heritage that Clark himself didn't know of, all public perception of Superman changes immediately. This leads to Clark to question his true purpose on Earth, along with his own insecurities about his goal to protect people, while Lex's schemes threaten to cause a cataclysmic event that only the Man of Steel can stop.
Written and directed by James Gunn (The "Guardians of the Galaxy" trilogy, "The Suicide Squad", "Super"), "Superman" immediately sets itself apart from the old regime by first off, having an actual personality and identity other than "Moody" and "Grey", but also establishes itself as a universe that's been well lived in and most important of all, establishes its own rules. This by far might be the most comic booky comic book movie ever made (Being essentially what movies like "Speed Racer" and Ang Lee's "Hulk" wanted to be), taking things down a more outlandish, almost joyfully silly route than even Marvel would have the balls to do. Feeling more in line with Sam Raimi's "Spider-Man" films, mixed with both the Richard Donner and DC Animated Universe incarnations of the title character, James Gunn rather confidently introduces the more mainstream audience to this world of "Gods and Monsters" with the hope that they will be able to follow. Meanwhile, those with excessive comic book/superhero knowledge (Like myself) will be in nerd heaven, fanboying out and squeeing over what is basically the most insane, cartoonish stuff imaginable, which includes Superman fighting a giant Kaiju that looks like the mix between Stitch and Bowser, while taking time to save a little squirrel in the process.
Gunn doesn't hold back when it comes to the action and the visuals. With the film being shot specifically for IMAX, everything looks big, explosive, and so grandiose. Even with the huge amounts of CGI piled onscreen, Gunn is so creative with it, crafting more than a few sequences that are sure to become iconic. He's definitely going for something that's not so much meant to look realistic, but rather instead look like what your wildest imagination would come up with (Think one of those sugar fueled fight scenes you came up with when you were eight years old, except cohesive). This naturally makes the tone a bit more naturally on the humorous side where the absurd has just become everyday, like how there's an emotional scene between two characters, while in the background there's a big fight between the Justice Gang and monstrous entity that's referred to as an "Dimensional Imp" just being seen as something that will just happen. It really feels like you've just opened up a literal comic that's no longer being hindered by the smaller budgets or the lack of technology of the time. However, while the film is often very funny and thoroughly charming, there's such a sincerity and heart to it that actually makes the film's more dramatic parts surprisingly more powerful.
Unlike the previous, much more divisive movie-verse incarnation of the character, this Superman embraces his softer, sweeter side in spite of literally being the most powerful being on the planet (Though that doesn't exactly stop him from taking a beating every now and then, only to get right back up after). His sense of optimism can be a bit corny, yet comes across as so genuine and noble that you wish you personally could aspire to that level of heroism. David Corenswet embodies that kind of likability with one Hell of a breakout performance, feeling like the most logical successor to the mantle. He portrays Superman as one who struggles with own self-esteem, despite being seen as a God by most people. Under all that strength and seemingly invulnerable exterior is someone who is very vulnerable and unsure of himself, which only makes his desire to "Just do good" all the more inspiring. It's also crazy how much chemistry Corenswet and Rachel Brosnahan (An absolutely flawless Lois Lane) have together right out of the gate, especially compared to the last version (Who were never even allowed to have any kind of romantic chemistry over the course of three movies). They don't even have a lot of scenes together, but it feels like a genuine relationship that's still trying to find its footing, despite how clearly compatible they appear to be. It's also nice that the movie forgoes the whole keeping his identity a secret from her thing, along with a couple jokes centered around the "Glasses" disguise.
It might seem a bit overcrowded at first, though a lot of these extra additions to the cast do add something and even play an integral role. This includes a hilarious Nathan Fillion (And his buffoonish haircut), a fierce Isabela Merced, a wonderfully deadpan Edi Gathegi (Who gets a standout action scene), and the always welcome Anthony Carrigan (as "Rex Mason/Metamorpho", a mutated Metahuman, who can create any kind of element out of his body and finds himself a pawn in Lex's plans). There are some perfectly casted supporting roles for the likes of Skyler Gisondo (as "Jimmy Olsen", the boyish Daily Planet photographer, who somehow finds himself flirted with by women left and right), Sara Sampaio (as "Eve Teschmacher", Lex's current, air-headed girlfriend), María Gabriela de Faría (as "Angela Spica/The Engineer", Lex's nanite enhanced henchwoman), Wendell Pierce (as "Perry White", the Daily Planet editor-in-chief), Zlatko Burić (as "Vasil Ghurkos", the warmongering president of Boravia, who would be a cartoon if it weren't for the fact that we currently have a few world leaders acting just like this at the moment), Mikaela Hoover (as the flirtatious "Cat Grant"), and Beck Bennett (as the mustachioed loudmouth "Steve Lombard"), along with Pruitt Taylor Vince and Neva Howell (as "Jonathan and Martha Kent", Clark's adoptive human parents), playing much more humble versions of the characters.
This also includes a good amount of cameos, bit parts, and certain appearances that connect to both the current state of the DC Universe, as well as the possible future, such as a tiny part for Frank Grillo (as "Rick Flag Sr.", returning from "Creature Commandos" and set to appear in the next season of "Peacemaker"). However, the biggest scene-stealer (And someone who I just knew would kill this part) is Nicholas Hoult, who might have just become my new favorite Lex Luthor. Hoult's version of the iconic villain is cold, smarmy, egomaniacal, bratty, passionately fueled by hate, and is petty in ways that are both funny and absolutely horrifying (There's one thing he does in this movie that might be the most needlessly cruel thing I've ever seen a villain do in a movie). He showcases the kind of pure evil that could only come from the worst kind of human being, making him immensely entertaining to watch due to his almost admirable level of brilliance, yet all too frightening in how rotten he is inside. Weird how we should know by now not to trust narcissistic, God complex having billionaires/wannabe kings, who want to put their names on everything from buildings to other conquered countries. And I can't forget to mention Krypto, who is an adorable little chaotic, yet loyal menace (Oh those plushies are going to sell like crazy!).
"Superman" is a whole lotta movie to unpack (Even at a briskly paced two hour runtime), and it's already pissing off the usually easily offended crowd. The kind who only get their info from the type of news sources that would rather babble on about how "Woke" this is instead of the loss of innocent lives in the recent Texas flooding or about how we're just inches away from yet another possible conflict due to having a deranged man baby in charge of things. The film also seems to be more or less hinting at an allegory to a certain ongoing war between an overly zealous U.S. ally using military force against civilians, not even giving a sh*t about the children there. (Could be a coincidence, but that would be a big one) From Gunn's obvious admiration for the source material, the spellbinding score from John Murphy and David Fleming (Which takes some noticeable cues from the Donner films' themes), the collection of memorable characters and performances, and the overall heart and care being taken behind every single little detail, making for a superhero flick that has the power to delight anyone who still thinks that we can strive to be better and kinder than we actually are. It also has Superman and a cape-wearing doggy trying to save a mutated CGI baby inside a pocket dimension from a collapsing black hole, before being rescued by a tentacle man. That's an image that we see in this. Who in their right mind can find anything wrong with that? 5 Stars. Rated PG-13 For A Lot Of Superhero Action, Some Heavy Moments, The Many Nerdgasms That Will Be Released, And The Terrifying "Wokeness" That Will Make The Real Snowflakes Of This World Tremble. You Guys Really Need To Stop Letting Something As Simple As Human Decency Prevent You From Enjoying Something.
Jurassic World Rebirth by James Eagan ★★★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: Hey...I'm gonna eat ya'll. Chomp Chomp!
What else can be said about the "Jurassic Park" franchise? Originally just a loose adaptation from Steven Spielberg of the novel by Michael Crichton that went on to become a classic, changing the game for big budget blockbusters and capturing the hearts of many, particularly of the younger variety who just love them some dinosaurs. This led to sequels that were mostly just okay to alright, followed by a surprise resurrection with 2017's "Jurassic World", which for better or for worse, took the franchise into a new direction. A rather "Fast & Furious"-esque direction, where stupid was part of the fun, though 2022's "Jurassic World Dominion" kind of pushed it a little too far, resulting in a shockingly dull entry in the franchise (Something they've never been known for). So instead of further escalation, it was a pretty smart move to play it safe, go back to basics, and do something that harkens back to the original, which was essentially a family friendly science- fiction/horror movie. And no locusts this time. Still don't know what the Hell that was about.
A few years after the previous entry, "Jurassic World Rebirth" elaborates on how life has been since dinosaurs became part of the modern day ecosystem and it turns out, it wasn't meant to last. It seems that the poor dinos aren't cut out to co-exist with humanity, with many of the dinosaurs either dying out or have had to migrate to tropical areas, restricted from human contact. Humans in general have also just seemed to all around lose interest in them too (This is probably the smartest aspect of the movie, considering how quick to move on from things we are). A highly skilled (And highly beautiful), undercover operative, "Zora Bennett" (Scarlett Johansson), is hired by sneaky pharmaceutical representative, "Martin Krebs" (Rupert Friend), to lead an exhibition to retrieve genetic materials from some of the largest remaining dinosaurs (The Mosasaurus, the Titanosaurus, and the Quetzalcoatlus), which will create a revolutionary drug that will make Krebs' company millions.
They bring aboard a dinosaur sympathizing paleontologist, "Dr. Henry Loomis" (Jonathan Bailey), and Zora's old friend, "Duncan Kindcaid" (Mahershala Ali), along with a team of other operatives/dino food, to travel to an island where many of the remaining dinosaurs reside. Along the way though, Zora's team ends up rescuing "Reuben Delgado" (Manuel Garcia-Rulfo), his daughters "Teresa" (Luna Blaise) and "Isabella" (Audrina Miranda), and Teresa's boyfriend, "Xavier" (David Iacono), after their boat is wrecked by the Mosasaurus. Things go from bad to worse as they all end up crashing into an island that just so happened to be where any of the experiments on the dinosaurs were conducted. This means that not only will Zora and her team have to face off against the deadliest creatures on the planet, but also mutant hybrids that were specifically designed to be absolutely terrifying.
Directed by Gareth Edwards ("Godzilla", "Rogue One: A Star Wars Story", "The Creator"), with a screenplay from the returning David Koepp (The original "Jurassic Park" and "The Lost World", along with "Mission: Impossible", "Spider-Man", and "Black Bag"), "Jurassic World Rebirth" goes all out in tossing aside the previous films' playbook, starting over from scratch (Although is the raptor, "Blue", okay? She deserved better!). I can't necessarily say this is the smartest addition to the franchise, going by the "Rule of Cool" as usual, though it tones down some of the sillier aspects that we've been forced to endure. Really, the movie's biggest flaw is also its biggest strength. The screenplay is par for the course and goes back to the drawing board of characters getting stuck on an island, getting chased around by dinosaurs, and that's it. Right to the point. That means there's not much time for a whole lot of depth or unpredictability. However, the movie completely knows it and gives the audience exactly what they want to see, which is basically word for word what I just described. And sometimes, simple is just enough. Gareth Edwards is a total pro when it comes to visual spectacle, and that's especially true when it involves giant, man-eating lizards. For the first time in this franchise in quite a while, there is some genuine awe and even something to fear about these creatures.
Whether it be thanks to some impressive visual effects work (Most of the CGI on the dinos is absolutely flawless), the sweeping score from the Academy Award winning Alexandre Desplat (Doing a solid job replicating John Williams' classic themes), and some very clever, occasionally suspenseful sequences of Dino-oriented terror, the presentation feels less hollow now. Some memorable standouts include a sequence with the Mosasaurus attacking the team's boat, an actually pretty scary chase scene with a Jason Voorhees-like T-Rex, and pretty much anything with the mutated Dinosaurs. With that said, it's still rather empty calories. It gives you cool looking Dinosaurs, but also a plot you've seen before, with characters that you quickly can figure out if they'll live or die, and a good amount of silliness (Sure, the new mutant Dinosaurs look cool, yet the whole concept is all kinds of goofy, such as the D-Rex, which literally looks like a giant penis with claws and teeth).
Pretty sure some of the actors had to do the heavy lifting in the character department, but that's not to say that they don't leave an impression. Scarlett Johansson is perfectly cast, filling the role of our snappy, flawed action heroine with a heart of gold, who is a certified badass (And somehow seems to be getting more attractive as she ages). Mahershala Ali resonates with charm without even needing to try, Rupert Friend is a ton of fun as our obvious slimeball, and Jonathan Bailey is endearingly dorky, eventually becoming the most memorable character due to shere likability and his moral compass. The whole thing with the family doesn't feel necessary, though they're difficult to dislike (David Iacono at first seems like he's going to be annoying as the comic relief, only to end up getting decent laughs throughout). The movie also makes a fairly egregious attempt at selling some toys with the inclusion of a baby Aquilops named "Dolores", but that thing is still damn cute nonetheless.
"Jurassic World Rebirth" is easily the best "Jurassic Park" movie we've gotten since the original, even if it never had any hopes of recapturing that same lightning in the bottle in the first place. It's as silly and stock reliant as ever, yet offers just enough unique thrills to compensate thanks to director Gareth Edwards' clear love for the series. It's also a nice reminder that Dinosaurs can be both beautiful and scary again on the big screen, which is what the previous "Jurassic World" movies seemed to be sorely lacking. It's not going to change any lives, though for the right audience, it doesn't have to. And again, no locusts this time. Never gonna let that go! 3 1/2 Stars. Rated PG-13 For Scary Moments, Lethal Levels Of Scarlett Johansson Sexiness, And All The Jokes Involving People Getting A Big Load Of That D-Rex. That D-Rex Goes Hard.
M3GAN 2.0 by James Eagan ★★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: Your pre-teen daughter's Halloween costume this year.
Tragic news! Despite the huge amounts of love and Tik Tok videos that she inspired a couple years ago, it looks like everyone's favorite killer robotic doll with an attitude has received a serious blow that she might not be able to recover from. On its way to third or fourth place at the box office? Less critical praise than the first time around? Even less enthusiasm from her squealing fans? What happened?
Following the events of the first film, "M3GAN 2.0" follows roboticist, "Gemma" (Allison Williams), has become an advocate for the regulation of AI, due to her previous creation, "M3GAN" (Played physically by Amie Donald and voiced by Jenna Davis), going on a rampage, killing a handful of people, and nearly murdered Gemma as well, in a delusional attempt to protect Gemma's niece turned adoptive daughter, "Cady" (Violet McGraw). Gemma is confronted by army stooge, "Tim Sattler" (Timm Sharp), who reveals that the military's own killer robot, named "AMELIA" (Ivanna Sakhno), has gone rogue, and seems to be killing everyone involved in her creation, which unfortunately includes Gemma (Due to AMELIA being built by using M3GAN's blueprints without Gemma's knowledge). To make matters worse, Gemma also learns that despite her physically body being destroyed, M3GAN is still alive and fabulous, saying that she's learned her lesson and wants to make things right by stopping AMELIA. With nowhere else to turn to and on the run from the authorities, Gemma realizes that she will have to build M3GAN a new, stronger, and faster body, and trust that she won't go psycho again, in hopes of preventing AMELIA from initiating a Terminator-style robot uprising.
Written and directed by the returning Gerard Johnstone, "M3GAN 2.0" steps away from the comedic, campy horror of the first movie, and instead decides to elevate things into more Sci-Fi, action territory, while retaining the campy tone and tongue in cheek sense of humor of the first. While the genre shift is certainly a logical idea and it leads to sparingly fun places, it feels like the filmmakers are trying to do too much with the property's newfound stardom. This results in a somewhat bloated sequel, with an excessive length of exactly two hours, a way more ridiculous plot, and not near as much intelligence as before. Aside from a few themes of balancing both sides of the AI debate (Overreliance, as well as irrational fear), the satirical elements of the original have been done away with in favor of just adding more....well, stuff. It's one of those movies where just a lot of "Stuff" is happening, with a good amount of enjoyable moments happening along the way. While I feel Gerard Johnstone's ambitions stretch just out of his reach, it's a very good looking movie, even with the usual minimal "Blumhouse" budget. It's got this stylish and slick looking action movie mixed with slight gothic horror, before jumping into "James Bond" territory towards the end (And I mean, Roger Moore James Bond more than anything). It doesn't always work (And if you ask me, it kind of collapses in the last act), yet I can't deny the aesthetic is nothing short of cinematically pleasing. Especially since I've been used to recent Blumhouse movies looking like they were cobbled together in a week. There was genuine effort put into this, along with some often very funny lines and a cast that knows exactly what kind of movie they're in.
The wonderfully charming pair of Allison Williams (Who is just beautiful in every shot, even when the movie isn't trying to make her look so) and Violet McGraw are just as great as they were in the first movie. They play it straight in the right ways where you can take things seriously when you need to and add in some heart, while taking part in the goofiest sh*t you've ever seen (There are lines of dialogue that would have been so cringey in the wrong hands). There are slightly bigger parts for the returning Jen Van Epps and Brian Jordan Alvarez (as "Tess" and "Cole", Gemma's co-workers/friends), along with amusing work from Timm Sharp and Jemaine Clement (as "Alton Appleton", a corrupt and somehow less insufferable version of Elon Musk), who you can always expect to get a few laughs. Ivanna Sakhno (Who had quite a presence in "Ahsoka") looks to be relishing the part of the "Hot Villainess", doing a lot simply with her sense of allure, even if some of the late reveals remove much of what made the character interesting in the first place (Between her and Sophie Thatcher in "Companion", this is a good year for really attractive robots). There's also a whole thing with Aristotle Athari (as "Christian", Gemma's new boyfriend), that doesn't need to be here and take up far too much time late in the film (Again, the last act is really where things start to tumble). Still in spite of all the flaws, the star of the show herself remains just as delightfully deranged as ever. While it frustratingly takes a little bit for her to return, M3GAN is such a great character. Thanks to Amie Donald's strong physical performance and Jenna Davis' hilarious voicework, her snark, sociopathic tendencies, and bizarre morality make for an icon that you never tire of seeing.
While the titular robot doll continues to slay and serve, um, you know what, "M3GAN 2.0" just doesn't quite have the same charm as the original. It goes for a big upgrade and still gets in some laughs (Still got them sick dance moves and one Hell of a singing voice), but tries to do way too much for its own good and eventually overstays its welcome. Yeah, it's another usual case of "Sequel-Itis" and ends up being just okay. And being "Just Okay" is not something M3GAN deserves to be called. 2 1/2 Stars. Rated PG-13 Robotic Slaying (Literally) and Robotic Slaying (Figuratively).
F1 by James Eagan ★★★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: When you're trying to save face after getting Blue Shelled to last place in Mario Kart.
Behold! The resurgence of the "Dad Movie"! "Top Gun: Maverick", "Air", "Ford v Ferrari", "Conclave", etc. Good, old fashioned, middle-aged cinema is back on the menu boys! There's something pretty endearing about that. I tell ya, TNT is going to thrive for the next decade or so.
"F1" follows a former, now washed up Formula One driver, "Sonny Hayes" (Brad Pitt), who was forced into retirement in the 90s after a disastrous crash. Sonny, who has participated in various races across the country, is tracked down by another former driver/old friend turned Formula One team owner, "Ruben Cervantes" (Javier Bardem), to participate in the upcoming Formula One Grand Prix. Ruben's team, "APXGP" (Apex Grand Prix), is yet to win a race, despite having a very capable, if not overconfident rookie driver, "Joshua Pearce" (Damson Idris), and Ruben thinks that Sonny can not only help the team achieve victory, as well as give Sonny the chance to prove himself as one of the absolute best. Of course though, Sonny and Joshua, being equally hot-headed and full of sh*t, can't stand each other, with Joshua's immaturity causing a lack of comradery and Sonny's refusal to take orders not helping much either. However, that kind of abrasiveness and risk taking insanity just might be what APXGP needs to pull off the impossible.
Directed by Joseph Kosinski ("Top Gun: Maverick", "Tron: Legacy", "Oblivion"), with a screenplay by Ehren Kruger ("Scream 3", "Reindeer Games", three out of five Michael Bay "Transformers" movies, and "Ghost in the Shell"), "F1" acquired much input from the International Automobile Federation (aka "FIA"), as well as Formula One as a whole. That means this is definitely something that will appeal most to fans of the sport, getting right down into the details and certainly has the money on display. It's not an original story or an original screenplay, telling a narrative that you've seen thousands of times before in various other sports dramas (Not just the ones involving cars). It's fittingly predictable and often does seem to rely on those old school "Boomer" tropes, which can often be endearingly silly, but silly nonetheless. What truly keeps the movie on track (Pun actually not originally intended), is Joseph Kosinski, who has found his calling bringing back the "Dad" movie in a way that feels seamless and doesn't feel completely out of time with a modern audience. Kosinski's masterfully dynamic direction, along with slick editing and camera work, makes for some thrilling, damn near heart pumping sequences of high speed adrenaline. Kosinski puts you right in the driver's seat, with the racing scenes done practically, resulting in a high $200 million budget that you can see where every penny was needed to make it feel authentic. I also saw it in 4DX, which only adds an extra sense of immersion to the experience.
Whether or not you're tired of Brad Pitt (And his Brad Pittiness), much like Tom Cruise, you can't deny the man's onscreen presence. He makes for a complicated character (Where much of his depth is left up to his emotions and expressions, rather than what he actually says), that you're equally irritated by and even a bit begrudgingly charming. Damson Idris is a standout, keeping a good pace with Pitt, with loads of off the charts charisma. Sure, we've seen two cocky, hot shots butting heads many times before, but it's a trope that can be a lot of fun to watch, and it's mostly thanks to Pitt and Idris' performances. The whole romance with Kerry Condon (as "Kate", APXGP's technical director, who Sonny obviously has to hit on) isn't entirely believable, though works completely thanks to Condon's natural personality and appeal (Not to mention that accent. How can you not fall in love?). Tobias Menzies (as "Peter Banning", an APXGP board member) is enjoyably smarmy from the beginning (So it's not too shocking that he's up to something nefarious), Sarah Niles (as "Bernadette", Joshua's caring mother) brings so much heart to such a stock supporting role, and Javier Bardem pretty much just steals the movie with plenty of humor and compassion.
Fittingly formulaic, but professional, "F1" is likely going to be your papa's new favorite movie, and thankfully, it's a real solid one at that. Fast paced, perfectly polished, with strong performances, and unapologetically old school excitement, proving that the "Boomer Blockbuster" isn't going out of style anytime soon. Pretty straightforward stuff with this one. 3 1/2 Stars. Rated PG-13 For Intense Racing, Two F-Bombs (Pushing The Boundaries!), And Hardcore Racists (aka Racing Enthusiasts).
28 Years Later by James Eagan ★★★★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: When you're a malnourished zombie guy, but everybody thinks you're Cillian Murphy.
What's with all the really good movies coming out all of a sudden? Hell, what's with all the great horror movies coming out right now? Horror has already been getting a resurgence in the last few years, along with the ability to retain some horror franchises without them eventually becoming terrible. Now with "Sinners", we transcend horror, mixing in various other tones and themes, making them seem perfectly natural in what looked at first glance to be just a "Vampire Movie". It's the same for what seems to be just a "Zombie Movie", but is actually so much deeper. And relevant, considering how it feels like we're inching closer and closer every day to a possible apocalypse.
Set after the events of both "28 Days Later" and "28 Weeks Later", "28 Years Later" opens.....er, well, 28 years later, following the outbreak of "The Rage Virus" (Which turns people into an animalistic like state of bloodlust and the need to kill) across Great Britain. Now it's seemingly contained by the outside world (The most realistic part is basically everyone telling Britain "You're on your own!" and bailing out), with the infected people left to terrorize any unfortunate survivors across the continent. A small community on an island, separated from the mainland by a tidal causeway, appears lost in time, being heavily fortified against the possibility of any Infected attacks. A young boy, "Spike" (Alfie Williams), is being taken on a coming of age initiation to the mainland by his father, "Jamie" (Aaron Taylor-Johnson), against the wishes of Spike's bedridden mother, "Isla" (Jodie Comer), who is experiencing memory loss, confusion, and other side effects that nobody in the community seems to understand. Jamie and Spike leave for the mainland to go on a hunt for some Infected, introducing Spike to the new world and the evolving Infected, which are now traveling in packs led by smarter, stronger "Alphas". Spike also learns more than he wants to know about his father and the secrets that the rest of the community keeps, leading to Spike to take Isla on a journey to find a mysterious doctor, "Ian Kelson" (Ralph Fiennes), who the other villagers choose to avoid, in hopes of finding a cure for Isla.
Directed by the returning Danny Boyle (Who previously directed the original "28 Days Later", along with "Trainspotting", "Slumdog Millionaire", "Steve Jobs"), with a screenplay by the also returning series creator, Alex Garland ("Ex Machina", "Civil War", "Warfare"), "28 Years Later" is definitely a legacy sequel, though it feels very much like a reboot. Not in the sense that it's starting over from scratch, but rather, guiding us into a brand new, terrifying world of terror. The large time jump (Along with almost no mentioning of the events of the first two films, aside from the obvious premise), makes for a change in tone almost, feeling more like a post-apocalyptic coming of age drama, though still retaining the somewhat grungy feel of the original movies. It never holds back on the gory, brutality (Which is shown to be even more disturbing and violent this time), and in a time where we have many zombie apocalypse stories, the filmmakers find creative, grounded ways to stand out. One way is how it's established that this entire infestation is now contained, meaning the rest of the world is apparently running normally (With the exception of an occasional surveying of the quarantine zones). It's like you're entering a nightmarish timeline where life just stopped one day, regressing to semi-medieval times.
Danny Boyle, who shot the film using mostly an iPhone 15 Max, brings the series back to its roots. It's such a disorienting experience, with impeccable jump cuts, grainy visuals, and the kind of editing that I bet must have been a complete nightmare to compile together. There are moments where you feel like you're watching a frightening documentary about dystopian warfare (Yes, that Taylor Holmes recital of the Rudyard Kipling's "Boots" from the trailer is in the movie in its unsettling glory), and then others where it feels like you've stumbled upon decaying footage of something you wish you hadn't (Shown to us through some memorably twisted flashbacks showcase how the Infected hunt). From the cinematography and sound design (I swear I would hear crunching sounds at random moments), you're always in a state of uneasiness, creating a world of fear that isn't always about jump scares, but rather the neverending dread that it's almost a guarantee that you wouldn't last a single night in it. However, the film decides to juggle a few other genres and tones, upping the emotional core to the story in a way that only puts emphasis on that terror, as well as some all too relatable human experiences. This makes for some very compelling, if not unpleasant drama. Even in such a dark tale, the film still seems to have somewhat of a wicked sense of humor, whether it be something obvious or more subtle (The music choices especially are certainly strange to say the least). For a movie that's all about death, it also feels very much alive.
The character work is exceptionally strong, which is in part thanks to the wonderful performances, which do take some unconventional approaches to what could have just been another mutant/dystopian thriller. This is Alfie Williams' movie, through and through. This young newcomer, similar to Miles Caton in "Sinners", is so natural in the role, confidently carrying the film on his shoulders in a way that could easily have gone wrong. Williams has to showcase the various stages of grief, going from a stage of innocence and wonder to mature and hardened, despite still very much being a kid. It's an equally heartwarming and heartbreaking character arc to watch. Jodie Comer is equally terrific in a quietly powerful role, where her greatest strength comes from not what she says, but rather what she doesn't (Leaving her expressions to do the talking). Aaron Taylor-Johnson continues to make amends for "Kraven the Hunter" by showing what a capable actor he can be (In a complex role that goes a few different directions), Edvin Ryding (as "Erik Sundqvist", an unlucky Swedish NATO soldier, who finds himself trapped in the quarantine zone), provides hints of what might be going on in the rest of the world, and while Ralph Fiennes only appears briefly towards the last act, he makes every second count brilliantly.
The Infected themselves, with the intimidating Alphas in particular, are more terrifying than ever, playing into the concept of their further evolution, which makes one more and more curious about what's to come (This is expected to be the first part of a trilogy, with a second film due to come out literally next year). It also concludes on a rather bizarre note (Though it still ties into themes and narrative hints that are cleverly sprinkled throughout) that feels like a post credits scene that happens to play before we even get to the credits. Still, that oddness feels surprisingly in line with the film's outlandish nature, feeling like a cliffhanger that leaves you going "What the f*ck was that?" and "Well now I gotta know what happens next!" at the same time.
A graphically violent, yet gorgeous look into the kind of Hell that feels often more real than we might truly understand (With just a good amount of impossible to decipher insanity thrown into the mix to make it all the more perplexing), "28 Years Later" has the right amount of horror and even more humanity. One moment you'll be left wincing at the savagery and unpleasantness, then you'll be moved by the resilience and heart, only to come away with this strange feeling of respect for your own life, as well as your inevitable death. A damn great legacy sequel that moves you just as much as it disturbs you. 4 1/2 Stars. Rated R For Grotesquely Gory Gruesomeness, Terrifying Images, Disturbing And Upsetting Moments (Some Involving Children), Teletubbies, Graphic Zombie Nudity, And Hardcore Zombie Dick. I Mean, That Thing Was Damn Impressive. Good For Him!
Elio by James Eagan ★★★★ out of ★★★★★
Image: So cute and cheerful until the probing starts.
Switching the release dates for both this and last year's "Inside Out 2" was one of the smartest moves that Disney and Pixar have made in some time. "Inside Out 2" went on to gross over $1 billion worldwide, especially following a series of flops or disappointments from both studios. On the downside though, this movie has basically been destined to fail and rather frustratingly so. Still, from a business standpoint, I get it. Release the guaranteed hit when you need it most, while letting the riskier movie duke it out with some other heavy hitters after garnering a few other surefire successes (Like "Lilo & Stitch" and "Moana 2"). It makes sense. I just don't like that such a warm, good natured little film had to be sacrificed in the process. And it only guarantees a reliance on sequels or remakes in the future.
"Elio" follows the titular, "Elio Solis" (Yonas Kibreab), a peculiar, yet enthusiastic young boy, obsessed with the idea of getting abducted by aliens, due to feeling so out of place on Earth. Raised by his stressed out aunt, "Olga" (Zoe Saldaña) after the death of his parents, Elio's love of aliens even causes some havoc for Olga at her work at an Air Force Base (Where she monitors space debris). After Elio sends out a message to what he assumes is space life (Causing a blackout), Olga decides that maybe it's best that Elio attends to a boot camp. However, it turns out that Elio's message did reach someone from space, leading to his abduction (Much to his joy). Elio is brought before "The Communiverse", where a collection of various alien species have gathered to share their knowledge and interests, convinced that Elio is the leader of Earth, offering him the chance to join (While leaving a clone of Elio on Earth to keep up appearances).
Sadly, the Communiverse is also being threatened by a violent, battle hungry warlord, "Lord Grigon" (Brad Garrett), who wants access to the Communiverse, threatening to conquer it if necessary. To ensure his membership, Elio offers to negotiate with Grigon, which goes about as well as you might think. Luckily, Elio ends up becoming friends with Grigon's son, "Glordon" (Remy Edgerly), an adorable slug-like creature with absolutely no aspirations for galactic conquest, convincing him to pretend to be Elio's captive in hopes of forcing Grigon to stand down. With Elio finally finding a friend just like him, he plans to leave his life of Earth behind, though doesn't understand that all of his lies are only going to lead to a disastrous intergalactic incident.
Directed by Madeline Sharafian (A longtime story artist and Pixar employee), Domee Shi ("Turning Red"), and some temporary credited work from Adrian Molina ("Coco"), with a screenplay by Julia Cho ("Turning Red"), Mark Hammer ("Shotgun Wedding"), and Mike Jones ("Soul", "Luca", "Dream Productions"), "Elio" does feel like it went through some slight overhaul after its delay, which may have worked in the film's benefit. At its core, it's a fairly simple tale of discovering your place in the universe, coming to terms with your own struggles and fears, and something deeper that anyone can relate to,. It's about the hope that we are not truly alone out there. Whether it be emotional, physically, spiritually, or any other sense of the word. It's hard not to be moved by the film's themes, which are only bolstered by the delightful character, funny screenplay, and its lovely visuals, which go from bouncy and colorful to grand and rather breathtaking. I think the most surprisingly impressive aspect of the film is how incredible the sound design is. It just feels big, despite being so small and personal. It's actually pretty light in the danger department, yet there is always this lingering sense of scale or even some genuine danger, feeling like a classic family film that might make some of the smaller kids jump a bit. Thankfully, it's not too much though, because there is such a sincere nature to the film, along with an overload of candy covered cuteness that's just so charming. From the expressive character designs (Particular with the aliens, who all have their own distinct, otherworldly features), and the elaborate universe building, though I will admit that it's too the point where you are left wanting a bit more of it than what's given (Delay casualties or a conscience decision? Time will tell on that).
Elio is such an appealing little lead, being both a little frenetic, but inventive, with Yonas Kibreab doing some wonderful, heartfelt voicework (Not to mention providing amusing contrast between Elio and his more enthusiastically bland clone). Remy Edgerly is also a delightful scene-stealer, getting some of the funniest lines, and such a fantastically absurd character design (Who knew an eyeless slug, with endless rows of teeth could convey so much joy and heart?). Zoe Saldaña does some excellent work, and the same goes for the rest of the charming voice cast, which includes Brendan Hunt (as "Gunther Melmac", a hammy conspiracy theorist), a perfectly menacing and hilarious Brad Garrett, along with Brandon Moon, Jameela Jamil, and Matthias Schweighöfer (as the creatively animated alien ambassadors). I also get a kick out of the fact that despite the film being as lightly PG as possible, the filmmakers clearly have an affection for some scary Sci-Fi and body horror, getting a few darkly comedic laughs (And even finding some time for an obligatory "Alien" reference while they're at it).
"Elio" is less "Inside Out", "Coco", or "Soul", but rather more like "Luca". It's not meant to reinvent the wheel or change the course of animation as we know it, but rather tell a very human story, though just through Pixar's usual unconventional ways. Filled to the brim with emotion and heart, along with gloriously imaginative visual wonder and a good amount of belly laughs that will appeal to all ages, it's sweet, soft, and squishy all over. Just a nice adventure for the whole family, and it deserves your time, as well as your love. 4 Stars. Rated PG For A Couple Slightly Adult-Ish Jokes, Possibly Scary Moments, A Lot More Saliva Than I Was Expecting, And The Likely Nightmare Fuel That Comes From Gooey Cloning (Gotta Love It When A Kids Movie Just Decides To Get Weird).
The Life of Chuck by James Eagan ★★★★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: Proof that white men are capable of dancing.
This movie would have been a complete and utter disaster in the wrong hands. Can you imagine the likes of current Robert Zemeckis, or whoever the "This Is Us" guy was, making something like this? It would have been the most painfully cloying, grotesquely sugary, and woefully misguided pile of crap to come out in the past decade. So how is it that this is brought to us by Mike Flanagan and Stephen King of all people, and it's possibly one of the most wonderful films of the year?
Based on the short story of the same name by Stephen King, "The Life of Chuck" is three acts, told backwards. "Act Three" follows a teacher, "Marty Anderson" (Chiwetel Ejiofor) and his ex wife, "Felicia Gordon" (Karen Gillan), as they, along with the rest of the world, come to terms with the fact that the world appears to be ending. However, they keep getting odd, unknown advertisements, signs, and messages of an accountant named "Charles Krantz" (Tom Hiddleston), thanking him for "39 Great Years!". "Act Two" follows the titular Chuck nine months earlier, as he wanders around during a business trip, meeting a street drummer named "Taylor" (Taylor Gordon) and a young woman, "Janice" (Annalise Basso), who was recently dumped by her boyfriend. Out of nowhere, Chuck begins to dance, bringing a smile to everyone, though he can't determine why he just felt like doing that in the first place. "Act One" follows a young Chuck (Played by Cody Flanagan as a young boy, Benjamin Pajak as an older kid, and then by Jacob Tremblay as a teen), as he's raised by his grandparents, "Sarah" (Mia Sara) and "Albie" (Mark Hamill), following the death of his parents. Chuck shows to have a keen intellect, a love of dance, and a curiosity to see what's in the mysterious room that Albie has forbade him from entering.
Written and directed by Mike Flanagan ("Hush", "Doctor Sleep", "Midnight Mass", "The Fall of the House of Usher"), "The Life of Chuck" is the kind of film that shouldn't work, let alone be as great as it is. It's such a complexly told story, yet at its center, is also incredibly simple. You're wondering at first why it was even told this way, but by the end realize that this was the only way made you see why it truly mattered at all. It's a sweet, heartfelt, at times funny, and surreal journey, that's also frightening, perplexing, and even somewhat bleak. It's not depressing, or all gloom and doom, though it is honest. Painfully honest. The film miraculously finds a way to make it feel hopeful and life-affirming, even with the darker presences looming around every corner. Flanagan's direction has always been sharp, and this might very well be his best work yet. It shifts through a few different tones over the course of its three acts, clearly incorporating much of Stephen King's own use of conflicting genres. It makes for a roller coaster of emotions that never lets up until the credits suddenly appear. Flanagan's screenplay is also effective at balancing the sentimental, with the funny, the dark, and the existential nature that resides in all of us. Some more than others, really.
It also features a rather strange, but fitting ensemble of actors, that find ways to each stand out, even if they're literally popping in for a moment. Tom Hiddleston doesn't have to say much with his mouth (He only says a handful of lines throughout the entire runtime), but has to give one Hell of a physical performance. It's a joy to watch Loki himself just electrify the screen simply with a kind smile or an endearing hand wave, with the dance number being an especially unforgettable moment. More time is actually focused on young Benjamin Pajak, who is spectacular, along with the brief appearance from Jacob Tremblay (It's jarring to see him all grown up now!). The cast is all around commendable, which includes the already mentioned Chiwetel Ejiofor, Karen Gillan, Mia Sara, Mark Hamill, Taylor Gordon, Annalise Basso, and not to mention the absolute perfection that's Nick Offerman voicing the film's narrator (We all wish his voice would narrate our lives). It also includes the likes of Carl Lumbly, Kate Siegel, Samantha Sloyan, Trinity Bliss, Matthew Lillard, Q'orianka Kilcher, Violet McGraw, Heather Langenkamp, Rahul Kohli, and David Dastmalchian (In one of the scenes that best emphasizes the skilled use of tone), along with a few other surprises, in roles both small and large, even varying between acts.
An exquisitely, lovingly crafted epic, full of sincere heart and wonder, "The Life of Chuck" is a bit of an anomaly, which is fitting the more I think about it. It's not here to offer false reassurance or even has the intent of telling you that everything is going to be okay. If anything, it assures you that one day, things won't be okay and everything that is you, from your life, along with your very memories will be gone. However, the love, happiness, and warmth that comes from life itself, even if they might be brief, are the rewards for all the suffering. It's hard not to be moved by such a well lived life, regardless of how brief or how much anguish might encompass it. Like a warm blanket caringly placed upon you after a nightmare. Thanks, Chuck! 4 1/2 Stars. Rated R For Adult Content, Existential Worry, Disturbing Moments, And So Much Warmth That It Just Might Set You Ablaze.
Materialists by James Eagan ★★★★ out of ★★★★★
Image: Getting Dakota Johnson to look at me like that would likely be it for me.
I saw the trailer for this movie and just knew that it wasn't going to be for me. As I always say, I'm not the target audience for a Romantic Comedy. They're generally too cutesy, shallow, fluffy, and fake for my tastes, and I'm too much of a cynic to get into it. Even when they're good, I still wouldn't watch them if I didn't have to. All I can do is hope that it's well made. However, this is a shockingly good case of false advertising that's likely even going to piss some people off. If you have the idea that this is just going to be some silly little, schmaltzy Rom-Com love triangle, where the movie toys with the whole "Who is she gonna choose?" concept despite knowing damn well who it's going to be, and will likely have a climax at an airport.....Boy, are you in for a surprise. The biggest one being that I think I might have loved this movie.
"Materialists" follows a successful, though statistic-reliant New York matchmaker, "Lucy" (Dakota Johnson), who can find love for anyone, yet can't seem to find love herself (Bet ya never heard that one before!). At a wedding, Lucy meets the extremely wealthy, incredibly handsome, and undeniably charming "Harry Castillo" (Pedro Pascal), who immediately takes an interest in her. Lucy also reunites with an old love, the tragically poor, yet very Chris Evans-looking "John" (Chris Evans), who works as a waiter while his still non-existent acting career fails to pick up. Lucy appears to have found her perfect match with Harry, though isn't sure why he actually wants to be with her, while she and John still appear to have a deep connection, though then again, she's not sure why he wants to be with her due to her inherently materialistic nature. This starts to affect her work as well, as Lucy has become so desensitized to the concept of love and romance that she can't even possibly imagine for herself anymore.
Written and directed by Celine Song ("Past Lives"), "Materialists" seems like the most generic of Rom-Coms at first glance. Just look at that plot synopsis! You've heard it all before. You know what's going to happen. Or at least, you think you do. It's not like there's some big twist or juxtaposition, though it does feel like the rug gets pulled out from under you after the first act. Even when the usual tropes that come with the territory are happening right in front of you, something never quite feels right. Song is taking a perceptive, almost cynical lens to these ideas, shattering such shallow concepts of today's dating world and love itself with a satirical hammer. It's still impressive how the movie just looks like an early 2000s Romantic Comedy, right down to the way it's shot and staged, to the point that you'd forget what time period the movie was taking place in if it weren't for the iPhones, talk of "Zoom" calls, and the name dropping of Bernie Sanders. It's Celine Song's dialogue though where the movie truly shines. It's mature and insightful, with some light moments of comedy, mixed in with a certain harshness and biting attitude that at times kind of hurts. You get some humorous moments focusing on the most superficial aspects of the dating world (Like guys making sure that their date isn't a "Fatty" or one woman basically saying "Whites Only"), along with some of the darker parts (There's a subplot involving assault that might be a bit too real for some). There are times where it's more of a drama, and a rather melancholic, bittersweet one at that.
Dakota Johnson gives probably one of her best performances (Proving that "Madame Web" was NOT her fault!), with such a character that thinks of things at the most hollow of levels, though dislikes that side of her and isn't without nuance (You kind of dislike her, yet are just as charmed by her as everyone else is). Chris Evans rather perfectly gets to retain some of his usual post-Captain America snark, though not without a sense of sadness and wanting that's all too relatable (He probably has my favorite, and one of the roughest, lines in the movie). Pedro Pascal is, well, Pedro Pascal, with such an appealing presence that's freakin infectious, while there's a very touching plotline for Zoë Winters (as "Sophie", one of Lucy's clients, who is desperate for love and is having the worst of luck with her dates), that goes from amusing to heavy and eventually, possibly hopeful towards the end. I will say that it is pretty funny that for a movie about deconstructing the surface level parts of today's dating world, it still revolves around the most attractive people you've ever seen in your life (It's a movie. We just accept those things by this point).
A beautiful, if not somewhat roughly mature take on your average Rom-Com, "Materialists" is a strong second outing for Celine Song, that somehow finds ways to hit you where it hurts, even when it looks like it's following the old, worn out playbook. Not to get into spoilers, but even when it ends, it leaves you with a sense of uncertainty, where you can only hope things work out, even if the realist in you is saying the opposite. Maybe that's exactly the point though. Love isn't about math and data, but rather a big risk that can lead to someplace warm, someplace painful, or maybe even somewhere between. I guess it all comes down to if it's worth it, and this movie shockingly is. Very much so. 4 Stars. Rated R For Language, Adult Content, Some Heavy Material, And The Worst Roommates You'll Ever See (If You Relate To This At All, You Need To Kick Those Bastards Out!).
How to Train Your Dragon by James Eagan ★★★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: "If you ever try to neuter me, I'll bite your head off."
This is all kinds of surreal. The original 2010 "How to Train Your Dragon" was one of the first movies I ever reviewed. I was still in high school at the time. It's not only been long enough to consider that film a classic, which it is, but also long enough to milk that franchise straight from the dragon's udders. If Disney can do it and make billions, then I suppose DreamWorks thinks they can do the same (And likely will). Really the worst part about all of this has nothing to do with corporate greed or the continued lack of respect animation gets. It just means that I'm officially old! I swear my hip is disintegrating right now as I'm typing this review!
A live-action remake of the 2010 film of the same name (Which itself was loosely based on the books by Cressida Cowell), "How to Train Your Dragon" opens on the isle of "Berk", where Vikings and Dragons have been at war with each other for generations. The amusingly named outcast, "Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III" (Mason Thames), the son of the respected chieftain, "Stoick the Vast" (Gerard Butler, reprising his role form the original), wants to make a name for himself and make his father proud. Of course, Hiccup is puny, weak, and lacks that Viking instinct, but Stoick allows him a chance to prove himself by allowing him to be trained by one-armed/peg-legged "Gobber the Belch" (Nick Frost) in the art of Dragon slaying. Hiccup joins the young Dragon slayers in training, including his crush "Astrid" (Nico Parker), the obnoxious "Snotlout" (Gabriel Howell), the nerdy "Fishlegs" (Julian Dennison), and the always bickering twins, "Ruffnut" (Bronwyn James) and "Tuffnut" (Harry Trevaldwyn). However, when Hiccup comes across an injured "Night Fury" (Considered the most deadly of all Dragons), he starts to discover that everything that they know about these creatures is wrong. Naming the Dragon "Toothless" (Due to his retractable teeth), Hiccup forms a bond with the flying lizard that will put him at odds with his father and his own people, while an even bigger threat looms over the horizon.
Written and directed by the returning Dean DeBlois (Co-Director of the original "Lilo & Stitch" and the original "How to Train Your Dragon", along with both its sequels), "How to Train Your Dragon" is as faithful a remake as one can get as in its essentially shot for shot, dialogue for dialogue, and despite a few little additions, lives up to the promise of just giving the animated film the live-action treatment. I'm starting to feel like a broken record by repeatedly stating that it's not necessary, and this one is no exception. It's more or less the same movie, except a little less. However, once again, if you look at it on its own, it's a well made family epic, that in spite of being brought into existence purely by the kind of greed that we only once thought Disney was capable of, is at least being capably made by those who have nothing but love for the source material. Dean DeBlois (Who basically admitted that if they were going to make this anyways, he might as well be the one to do it), clearly adores this world, its characters, and its story, sticking to the original as much as humanly possible. Sure, it's pretty impossible to completely replicate the emotions of the original, though the heart is there. It's also an excellent showcase for DeBlois in his first live-action film. In terms of spectacle, the film has that in spades. From the cinematography, the top notch set design, and the absolutely jaw dropping special effects, it does as good a job as it can transitioning from animation to reality (Or as much reality as possible, considering you can only do most of this through the use of CGI). I'm sure everybody remembers seeing the original's flying sequences fifteen years ago, and they're still pretty damn incredible here. Mixed with the returning John Powell's score (Which earned him an Oscar nomination for the original, and has since become iconic), I can't tell if it's the nostalgia talking or just the power of the beautiful filmmaking on display, it creates instant goosebumps.
Another thing about these remakes is that while I would prefer something different (Love or hate the new "Lilo & Stitch", but at least it wasn't just the same movie again), yet sometimes what makes all the difference is how well casted the movie is and they picked nothing but winners with this one. Mason Thames (Previously seen in his breakout performance in "The Black Phone") is literally Hiccup, almost down to the semi-Jay Baruchel-esque voice, with impeccable comedic timing, excellent dramatic chops, and perfect straight man likability. Gerard Butler is also once again fantastic, and might be giving an ever better performance here than he did before (Possibly simply because he's just become a better actor in recent years), while of course rocking that ridiculously awesome Viking beard (Thames and Butler have some rather seamless chemistry together as well). The entire cast really fit their roles wonderfully, from Nico Parker (Those racists literally complaining over nothing as usual), Julian Dennison (Fishlegs was probably my favorite character from the original), and Nick Frost (Who looks to be having so much fun). However, the real stars are the Dragons themselves, who are given more realistic designs without looking too hideous. One thing this might have over the original is that the Dragons can be more frightening, showcasing how dangerous these creatures can be, though nonetheless beautiful (The monstrous "Red Death" is especially terrifying, and might be scarier here than in the original movie). Toothless though is left unchanged, and is all the better for it. He's still as lovable a creation as ever, with his cat-like qualities, and those expressive eyes. Hiccup and Toothless' bond might just be too relatable and powerful to mess up, even if they tried.
"How to Train Your Dragon" is yet another remake that didn't need to be, though for better or for worse, is so faithful to the original that fans might not be able to help themselves but be once more enchanted by the story's magic. With good direction, stunning visuals (At $150 million too? That's rather impressive for a visual effects heavy movie these days. Even cost less than the original!), and some flawless casting all around (Thames and Butler really do elevate things), it's a solid family adventure, with enough laughs and enough warmth to make one forget that they're just being resold the same product as before. Again, these live-action remakes aren't going to stop when there's so much money to be made, and we can only hope that the soul is left intact somewhere in them to make it bearable. Plus, who doesn't love Dragons? It's like dangling keys to an adult baby. Can't help but smile. 3 1/2 Stars. Rated PG For Scary Images, Reptilian Rascals, And The Thickest Of Scottish Accents, Courtesy Of Gerard Butler.
Predator: Killer of Killers by James Eagan ★★★★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: Gotta love that classic architecture. Looks so life-like. As if it's about to rip out your spine.
What is it with the American moviegoers with animation? Unless it's Disney, Pixar, occasionally DreamWorks, or sometimes Illumination (If Minions are involved), not near enough people are taking it seriously enough. Still not forgiving you guys for letting "Transformers One" flop! I really just don't get why so many still see animation as either "Kid Stuff" is just lesser than live-action. We have tons of popular adult centered animation on TV as it is, and live-action generally has limitations that animation doesn't (Even then, we'd just have to CGI the crap out something to try to get past those limitations). Sometimes taking the animated approach is the only way to finally, at long last, give people what they really want to see. Especially if you're a fan of a certain group of alien hunters.
Set in the "Predator" universe (And released via Hulu), "Predator: Killer of Killers" tells three tales of three warriors across three different points in time, who each find themselves coming into conflict with one of the deadly "Yautja" (The race of tribal, alien trophy hunters, who prey on the deadliest of the deadliest) aka "The Predators". First, in Viking-era Scandinavia, a Norse warrior, "Ursa" (Lindsay LaVanchy), along with her clan, including her young son, "Anders" (Damien Haas), charge into battle against a rival tribe. Then, in feudal Japan, a ninja "Kenji" (Louis Ozawa Changchien), returns home to face off against his samurai brother, "Kyoshi" (Also Louis Ozawa Changchien), due to a family squabble over who was chosen to be their late father's successor. And finally, during World War II, a drafted fighter pilot, "Torres" (Rick Gonzalez), disobeys the orders of his commanding officer, "Vandy" (Michael Biehn), to assist his squad in taking on a mysterious enemy aircraft. All three of our main characters soon find themselves engaging in a bloody battle to the death with a Predator, with each one eager to add them to their growing kill count.
Directed by Dan Trachtenberg ("10 Cloverfield Lane", "Prey", and the upcoming "Predator: Badlands") and visual effects artist Joshua Wassung, with a screenplay by Micho Robert Rutare, "Predator: Killer of Killers" is every Predator fan's dream come to glorious life like never before. No longer hindered by the restrictions of the live-action world. This aggressively animalistic anthology has so much depth, personality, and story compacted into such a brisk runtime in the smallest of frames, than any other Predator movie thus far. The animation style is glorious anime-esque, mimicking the styles of recent works, such as the "SpiderVerse" films, "Arcane", and "Puss in Boots: The Last Wish", with slowed down frame rates, carefully crafted character designs, and vibrant colors, particularly when it comes to the blood and gore. It's over the top, yet so artistically done, with so many details hidden in every single shot, making for intense, brutal action sequences. It really shows that animation clearly shouldn't be limited only to being referred to as kid stuff. The visuals and art design are a skillful mix of gorgeous and gritty, with a sense of barbarism that perfectly fits the tone of the franchise.
While the individual stories are all essentially long battle sequences compiled together, we get to know our main characters just enough (Whether it be through the dialogue or more than half the time, the completely visual storytelling). Ursa is a dark, ruthless character, with her humanity hidden behind a life of war and vengeance. Kenji says little, but proves to have an honorable side, despite his own quest for retribution. Torres (whose excellent voice work from Rick Gonzalez) is the closest to modern, with a sense of humor and nothing but the best of intentions in spite of his inexperience. The movie rather respectfully incorporates different cultures in such seamless, profound ways, showing how they clash with the Predators, as well as with each other. Our villains are as terrifying as ever, with little hints of extra personality to them. The Viking Predator is more brutish (Almost completely relying on strength), while the Ninja Predator is more cold, calculating, and even sadistic (Seeming to enjoy killing with his various gadgets). The pilot Predator is most interesting, choosing to kill his victims from the safety of his ship, which is something we've never seen before in the franchise. There is a twist to the stories, which add something new to the mix and might even leave some clues to the future of the series. It's exciting, and when many franchises, especially horror ones, tend to spin their wheels, do the same thing repeatedly, or just go comatose, this one feels so bright.
"Predator: Killer of Killers" is a masterpiece of adult animation, without feeling the need to go overboard with the edginess. The film's violence feels earned and is fittingly gruesome, adding to the monstrous nature of the titular villains (As well as possibly even our own violent natures). Dan Trachtenberg clearly adores this franchise and wants to take it to places that others before wouldn't even dare (Remember when all they could give us was just "Predator", but in a city?). It's honestly such a shame that this isn't something that you can see in a theater right now. It's the kind of thrills, chills, and cool kills that demand a big screen experience, and deserves better than a streaming release (Much like "Prey" was a few years ago). It's got something for every "Predator" fan, as well as animation lovers, giving the feeling that these ugly mother-f*ckers are in good hands. 4 1/2 Stars. Rated R For Gory Violence, Scary Images, And Predatory Behavior.
Ballerina by James Eagan ★★★★ out of ★★★★★
Image: Straight up lethal levels of attractiveness.
The "John Wick" franchise changed the game for action movies for the better, with more emphasis being put on creativity, stunt work, and most importantly, keeping the damn camera still (I can enjoy some shaky cam from time to time, but good lord can I tell the difference). They've shown us that action scenes can be like a dance, except filled with bullets, blood, and people literally constantly being thrown through glass. A graceful, violent dance, fit for a ballerina.
Set between the third and fourth "John Wick" films, "Ballerina" opens with the backstory of "Eve Macarro" (Ana de Armas), a ballerina/assassin for the "Ruska Roma", a deadly criminal organization, where as a child, she witnessed her father's murder at the hands of a cruel cult leader, known only as "The Chancellor" (Gabriel Byrne). Eve was taken in by "Winston Scott" (Ian McShane), owner of the New York "Continental" (Hotel for assassins), allowing Eve to join the New York division of the Ruska Roman, run by "The Director" (Angelica Huston). Years later, Eve grows up to be a formidable killer, but hasn't forgotten what happened to her father, as well as the events that made her who she is today. When Eve gets a clue about the cult's whereabouts, as well as the Ruska Roma's own dealings with them, Eve decides to put her skills to track down and kill the Chancellor and his followers. However, this puts her at odds with her own people, since Eve's actions might ignite war within the criminal underworld.
Directed by Les Wiseman ("Underworld", "Live Free or Die Hard"), though some reshoots and late additions were provided by franchise creator Chad Stahelski, with a screenplay by Shay Hatten (The last two "John Wick" movies, along with "Army of the Dead" and the "Rebel Moon" films), "Ballerina" is set to be the first of likely many spin-offs based around the world building and characters of the "John Wick" saga, and while something like that mini-series from a couple years ago ("The Continental") didn't get much love, this feels completely like a step in the right direction. To craft a whole cinematic universe is difficult, but thanks to the other films having been already establishing its own lore since the very first entry, it feels natural. It definitely feels perfectly placed in the larger franchise, though with just enough tweaks to feel fresh and to stand on its own just enough. We still get some wildly elaborate, over the top action sequences, along with fascinating characters and a playfully wicked sense of humor. However, much of what sets it apart from the other "John Wick" movies is that this is a true origin story, with a less refined lead protagonist, meaning that the action also can't be exactly the same. While John was precise, quick, and relied more on force of will, Eve instead is scrappier, has to rely on out-thinking an enemy, and is surprisingly, much more brutal (People rarely died peacefully in this movies, yet it's still shocking how painful much of this looks).
It's an excellent showcase for Ana de Armas, who audiences loved in her too brief appearance in 2021's "No Time to Die" (Which left many thinking that she would make for one Hell of an action lead). It's obvious that she worked hard for this part, and it pays off, particularly during a few of the drawn out fight sequences. In true fashion for the franchise, she gets thrown around and takes an occasional beating, yet counterattacks hard, using anything and everything to survive (Such as flamethrowers, dinner plates, and in one especially gruesome scene, ice skates). From her already alluring appearance, Ana de Armas just captivates, kicking ass, and serving as a wonderful addition to the series, as well as just making for a memorable action heroine too. It's cool to see more of Angelica Huston, along with obligatory appearances from the always scene stealing Ian McShane and a final appearance for the late, great Lance Reddick (as "Charon", the Continental concierge and Winston's close confidante). Gabriel Byrne makes for a solid, easy to dislike villain, while Catalina Sandino Moreno (as "Lena", one of the Chancellor's assassins, tasked with bringing in Eve) does feel a bit underdeveloped and Norman Reedus (as "Daniel Pine", a former member of the Chancellor's group, who has gone rogue) makes the most out of a brief role. Keanu Reeves (as the Baba Yaga himself, "John Wick") basically shows up to provide some cheap fanservice, yet still provides some of the best moments in the movie.
Voraciously violent, spectacularly shot, and with Ana de Armas' strong performance, "Ballerina" is damn entertaining, matching the already high standards of the rest of the franchise, which was quite the task for a film that had been delayed quite a few times. While you can see certain places where some adjustments might have been made (Very few though), it still feels slick, like a well polished weapon, fully armed and dangerous. It leaves you wanting more like it, whether it be another new addition to the already complex world of "John Wick", an actual follow-up, or whatever kind of excuse to dance some more in this carnage fueled world of mayhem and ferocity. 4 Stars. Rated R For Really Strong, Bloody Violence, Including Killer Mini-Van Moms, Fantastic Flame-Throwing, And Whatever Excuse Any Guy Can Make To Get Choked Out By Ana de Armas' Legs. They Didn't Seem Too Unhappy About It.
Karate Kid: Legends by James Eagan ★★★ out of ★★★★★
Image: "So it looks like your next opponent is six feet tall, roided up, and bit the nose off of his own previous opponent, but I'm sure because of your spunky attitude, you'll do fine."
It really is true what they say. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. And in this case, if it's not made for you, don't let it ruin your day. Formula may be, well, formula, but to some, you could just call it tradition.
Bringing together the "Karate Kid" movies, the 2010 reboot, and setting it after the "Cobra Kai" series, "Karate Kid: Legends" opens with "Li Fong" (Ben Wang) and his mother (Ming-Na Wen), moving from China to America, where Li's mother wants him to move on from Kung Fu due to the tragic death of his brother. Once arriving in New York City, Li befriends "Mia Lipani" (Sadie Stanley), the daughter of a pizzeria owner, "Victor" (Joshua Jackson), though Li comes into conflict with Mia's rage-fueled ex, "Connor Day" (Aramis Knight), whose Dojo also is at odds with Victor due his inability to pay them back for a previous loan (These guys are basically gangsters!). Li, who learned Kung Fu from his wise master/great uncle, "Mr. Han" (Jackie Chan), agrees to help train Victor to defend himself against the thugs, though when things proceed to escalate, Mr. Han arrives to help Li train for an upcoming tournament where he can best Connor in combat. However, Mr. Han sees that this might require more than Kung Fu, but also Karate, prompting him to call over an expert, "Daniel LaRusso" (Ralph Macchio), to help mold Li into the newest Karate Kid!
Directed by Jonathan Entwistle ("I Am Not Okay With This", "The End of the F***cking World"), with a screenplay by Rob Lieber ("Peter Rabbit", "Goosebumps 2 Haunted Halloween"), "Karate Kid: Legends" is a safe, predictable, and almost enthusiastically formulaic legacy sequel. Similar to last year's "Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire", your enjoyment will either come from how much you love nostalgia or fanservice, along with how okay with the franchise sticking to what it knows best, whether or not it's even needed. It's hard to fault the movie for that, and for an unnecessary, by the numbers sequel, it's at least briskly paced, short, sweet, well acted, and likable enough to make up for a script that you now was full of studio notes and a checklist of tropes. There is an underlying sense of cynicism, at least from where the studio is concerned, yet it's not without heart, charm, and a certain old school sincerity. It's definitely one of those undemanding sort of family friendly crowdpleasers, though capably made, with Entwistle only occasionally trying to throw in a couple moments of style to make it stand out (Such as how things are translated from Mandarin to English or getting creative with title cards).
Something that elevates the material is how endearing our main cast is. Ben Wang is an appealing lead, showing off his acting chops comedically and dramatically (And not drawing to the fact that he's in his mid-20s playing a high schooler. You can't really tell). Of course, it's pretty great to see Jackie Chan and Ralph Macchio together, and though that team up doesn't come in until about the halfway point, they pretty much steal the movie (The two of them just have a solid rapport that comes across as just natural). Sadie Stanley has personality to spare (The romance is surprisingly cute), along with Joshua Jackson and Wyatt Oleff (as "Alan", Li's awkward tutor, who just becomes Li's best friend, without Li even asking). Ming-Na Wen doesn't get near enough to do, but makes up for it with her usual graceful, beautiful presence (Also, she's sixty-one years old! That's insane!). Everything with the villains are pretty weak, underwritten, and in typical "Karate Kid" fashion, are too overly cartoonish to be taken seriously.
"Karate Kid: Legends" isn't a great movie by any sort of standard, and the more professional part of me is telling me not to like it, but the cast and characters are charming enough, with a few moments of okay humor, and even a little heart, make it perfectly pleasantly passable. Sometimes a movie just needs to be likable to get by, and I'm sure it'll delight just enough to make it feel necessary, even when all know damn well it really wasn't. 3 Stars. Rated PG-13, Though Really Feels Like A PG, For Slight Language, Dramatic And Heavy Backstories, And A Lot Of Jacket-Offing.
Friendship by James Eagan ★★★★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: One of the two reactions people will have to this movie.
In the first ten minutes or so of this movie, you'll likely figure out if you're going to like this movie or not. By the time it ends, you'll either love it or you'll hate every moment of it. It's despicable, painfully cringey, borderline disturbing, aggressively irrational and grating, and at times, just plain perplexing in nature, so it shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that I'm one of the weirdos that loved it.
"Friendship" follows a socially awkward suburban husband, father, and marketing executive, "Craig Waterman" (Tim Robinson), not having noticed how distant he's become from his cancer survivor wife, "Tami" (Kate Mara) and son "Steven" (Jack Dylan Grazer), and also has no real friends or human connections of any kind. After a package is misdelivered to his house, Craig returns it to his new neighbor, "Austin Carmichael" (Paul Rudd), a charming, well liked weatherman. Craig and Austin seemingly hit it off, becoming friends, with Craig embracing this new kind of relationship that he's never experienced before. However, after Craig's abrasive, unrelenting, and almost unhinged nature ruins a night with Austin and his other friends, Austin decides that maybe it's best to just end their friendship there. Craig proceeds to obsess over this breakup, threatening to cause his already fragile family and work life to come crashing down in a blaze of obsessive inanity.
Written and directed by Andrew DeYoung (Known for TV work), "Friendship" is one of those movies that could so easily become a horror movie, and at times, it looks like that's exactly what's going to happen. It's a fascinating, baffling character study into someone who is just not right in so many ways, to the point where it's somewhat tragic, so hard to watch, and, well, absolutely hilarious. Filmed like an extended episode of a sitcom gone horrifically wrong, it feels like you've entered a nightmarish world of internal embarrassment, where everything is just a little on the weird side, making the main character stand out even more due to him somehow finding a way to upstage everybody else in that department. It's also unrestrained in its humor, which will either be a simple comedic gag on moment, will just be something completely random or out of the blue the next, and is even at times rather subtle, hiding darker, depressing themes behind the facade of a silly comedy. When the movie gets surreal though, that's where it shines, because unlike a few of the more recent, disappointing projects from "A24", it doesn't feel like they're just doing something weird for the sake of weirdness. It actually has something to say, along with an immensely satisfying, curveball of a payoff (Such as the soon to be infamous "Subway" scene, that has a lot of layers for a joke that lasts only a minute).
Much of this is because of Tim Robinson, who has a career in off-kilter cringe comedy. Robinson doesn't have any restraint when it comes to making himself look like an obnoxious buffoon (And I can't exactly describe how or why, but something about his face just finds ways of getting a big laugh). Even with his character's weaponized unpleasantness, there is a delight to watching him unravel and a couple small moments of nuance. You do get that this is not entirely mentally well person (Which at times makes him a bit frightening), who's issues could be fixable or at least salvageable, if he'd be willing to acknowledge them and actually work on them. Kate Mara is a warm presence, even though you spend most of the runtime wondering how in the Hell did he marry someone like her in the first place (It's addressed a bit that clearly he just got lucky and it's even more obvious that he doesn't deserve her). Paul Rudd (And his epic mustache) is at his most Paul Rudd here, with the film giving little hints that this image of perfection that Craig has about the character might also be in his head (Little moments that give off the idea that Austin might be going through a bit of a mid-life crisis of his own, with Craig's instability being the last thing needed added to the mix).
"Friendship" might just be the funniest movie I've seen in years, with too many hard laughs to count, along with equally painful ones that more than half the time only add to the humor. In a way, it's supposed to make you squint, recoil, and feel like you're trapped in a seemingly endless loop of self-conscious uncomfortability, and boy, if you don't up for that, it's best you don't bother. As for me though, I found it to be hysterical, rough to sit through, hysterically rough to sit through, and a little sad, like a crying clown that you also wish would die of a deadliest disease because you secretly want him to suffer. And they say that Friendship is essential to the soul. 4 1/2 Stars. Rated R For Strong Language, Strong Cringe, Demented Drumming, And Amphibious Licking.
Lilo & Stitch by James Eagan ★★★ ½ out of ★★★★★
Image: Stitch has been playing a little too much GTA.
Disney, you're not bad. You just do bad things sometimes. Even when the product itself isn't bad, it does come from such a corporate level of villainy that only the house of mouse is capable of (Not surprising, considering how many iconic villains that studio has given us over the years). I feel like a broken record talking about these live-action remakes of their classic animated films, with a couple being better films, most ranging from solid enough to okay, and then there's 2022's "Pinocchio". Now they're giving us a safe, watered down, small scaled version of their more modern and most unique, but still wonderful movies, "Lilo & Stitch"? That's a cash grab right there if I ever saw one. And you wanna know what the worst part is? The absolute worst part? Against my better judgement and almost begrudgingly, I have to admit that you guys still got to me! You made me smile! You warmed my heart through the cheapest of moves! And I hate you for it!
A not entirely by the book remake of the original, this "Lilo & Stitch" opens with fuzzy, blue alien monstrosity, "Experiment 626" (Voiced by the returning Chris Sanders) and his mad scientist creator, "Dr. Jumba Jookiba" (Voiced by Zach Galifianakis), are on trial by orders of the alien leader, "The Grand Councilwoman" (Voiced by Hannah Waddingham). The plan is to exile 626 before he can cause any havoc, only for 626 to break free, cause some havoc, then escape to the planet Earth. The Grand Councilwoman agrees to allow Jumba to capture 626, with the aid of an excitable, self-proclaimed "Earth Expert", "Agent Pleakley" (Voiced by Billy Magnussen). Cut to Earth in the Hawaiian Islands, a young, troublemaking, but creative girl, "Lilo Pelekai" (Maia Kealoha), has been acting out, causing issues with her older sister/legal guardian, "Nani" (Sydney Elizebeth Agudong), with both of them still having not recovered from the deaths of their parents. Nani is also in danger of losing guardianship of Lilo to Social Services, with social worker, "Mrs. Kekoa" (Tia Carrere, who voiced Nani in the original), giving Nani just a couple days to fix things. Meanwhile, 626 crashes on the Islands, deciding to pose as a dog to protect himself from capture by Jumba and Pleakley (Who take on human disguises to blend in, which are also conveniently played by Zach Galifianakis and Billy Magnussen). Lilo immediately takes a liking to 626, with both of them being adorable little forces of destruction, giving him the name "Stitch". With Stitch's antics now interfering with Nani's attempts to find stability with Lilo, along with the arrival of an undercover agent by the name of "Cobra Bubbles" (Courtney B. Vance), who is also on the hunt for Stitch, thus putting Lilo and Nani's Ohana in jeopardy.
Directed by Dean Fleischer Camp ("Marcel the Shell with Shoes On"), with a screenplay by Chris Kekaniokalani Bright and Mike Van Waes, "Lilo & Stitch" is thankfully, not a carbon copy of the original. While I can agree with the very idea of all these remakes being a sign of trying to make a quick buck by spending as much money as possible, the biggest annoyance for me has been how often some of them just do the same exact thing, almost beat for beat. I do appreciate when the filmmakers are at least allowed to make necessary changes (Whether or not they always work) in hopes of at getting something a little different or adding something new to something old. It can work so long as the new version remembers what made the original work so well and for the most part, this one succeeds. For the most part. The budget isn't nearly as big as other remakes (Which generally come in at over $200 million to even $300 million), with likely 80% of the budget going into Stitch alone. The smaller scale, for better in some cases and for worse in others (No unconvincing disguises for Jumba and Pleakley like in the original), does mean that the filmmakers have to focus on the dynamics of family, the quirky antics of our titular characters, and the heart,that made the original such a classic. Of course, it's been neutered a bit, with the original's edge shaved off (Not as many guns this time and the original's semi-main antagonist "Gantu" missing, combined with Jumba) and certainly lacks much of the original's depth as well. Still, there is enough to make for a delightful time for the family, with the kids especially likely going to have an absolute blast (Whether or not they've seen the original version). One reason is in spite of all of the obvious corporate mandates (Which have held back quite a few recent Disney projects, such as their recent remake of "Snow White"), this one seems to have been made by people with their hearts in the right place, while also giving the target audience what they want, which is the cute factor. And boy, does this movie have that. Dean Fleischer Camp, known for much smaller, personal indie projects, is a little new to the bigger production values (And the film has some noticeably sporadic editing early on), but one can see he's not being trapped in the Disney machine, particularly when the film slows down and embraces the softer, sweeter moments. It also helps that a lot of the characters are as likable as ever, thanks to capable performances.
Sydney Elizebeth Agudong and Maia Kealoha, both getting their big breaks, are still a pair of upancomers, yet they both have a lot of personality and some pretty wonderful chemistry. I really don't see how you can dislike them, even if you're not a fan of the movie (Let alone its existence). Nani is given a more urgent role this time, while Lilo is still an adorably troubled, though good hearted ball of joy (Kealoha even has solid comic timing, which is especially impressive considering there are times she had to act against a non-existent CGI character). It's nice to hear Chris Sanders' voice back as Stitch, and out of everything in the movie, they get the blue fuzzy, chaotic critter down perfectly. Stitch has always been one of Disney's greatest creations, and they would have needed to go out of their way to get him wrong in this. He's hilarious, delightful, and so marketable, likely guaranteeing this movie a huge box office. There are some fine new characters or newer additions to the story, and it's cool to see some of the original voices appearing in some capacity, such as Tia Carrere, Jason Scott Lee (as Nani's boss), and Amy Hill (as "Tūtū", Nani and Lilo's kind neighbor). Hannah Waddingham is perfectly cast to the point you can't tell the difference between her and the original, while Courtney B. Vance looks to be having a lot of fun. Zach Galifianakis (Sadly not doing the original character's semi-Russian accent), plays a more villainous version of the character, yet still gets a few funny lines, while Billy Magnussen appears more than committed and is a scene-stealer (Don't worry. He may not be cross-dressing in this, but they don't hold back in the character's obvious gayness).
Not anywhere near as great as the 2002 original and as usual, doesn't need to completely exist, "Lilo & Stitch" makes up for the cynical intentions behind its conception with some good laughs, a charming cast, and more heart and sincerity than an unnecessary live-action remake would usually allow. The film has a few emotional moments in the last act that work (Mostly for cheap reasons that will make even the most curmudgeon go "Awwww"), and I just couldn't bring myself to dislike it. It's flawed.....also cute and fluffy! 3 1/2 Stars. Rated PG For Alien Action, Some Portal Play (Who Didn't Do Any Of These Moves In "Portal 2"?), And Stitch's Dirty, Dirty Mouth.
Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning by James Eagan ★★★★½ out of ★★★★★
Image: Cruise may be crazy......Forgot where I was going with this because THAT'S F*CKIN' CRAZY!
The road to this movie coming out has been a turbulent one for sure. Originally envisioned as a two parter, filmed back to back with the titles being "Dead Reckoning - Part One" and "Dead Reckoning - Part Two", going for a 2021 release, only to be delayed in 2020 due to the Covid pandemic. "Dead Reckoning - Part One" finally came out in 2023, with more delays happening such as the strikes, with the "Part One" being dropped from the previous film's title after release, and "Dead Reckoning - Part Two" instead becoming "The Final Reckoning" (Confirming that this likely is the grand finale to the entire, highly acclaimed franchise). This is what happens when you do everything as old school and practically as possible, resulting in huge budgets and so much hard, back breaking work. I can totally see why most movies now want to avoid such things and I don't fault them for it. Still, that kind of blood, sweat, tears, and Scientology can craft some wildly inventive, edge of your seat, anxiety spiking thrills in ways nothing else can.
Following up a few months after the events of the previous film, "Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning" follows "Ethan Hunt" (Tom cruise), the once again disavowed agent of the "IMF" (Impossible Mission Force), still at war with the malicious, world dominating AI known simply as "The Entity". Now literally holding the key to defeating The Entity, Ethan, along with his fellow agents, "Luther Stickell" (Ving Rhames) and "Benji Dunn" (Simon Pegg), are on the run from intelligence agents, "Theo Degas" (Greg Tarzan Davis) and "Jasper Briggs" (Shea Whigham), who in particular has it out for Ethan. Ethan's search for the Entity's former minion/Ethan's arch-nemesis, "Gabriel" (Esai Morales), leads to him breaking Gabriel's own former, betrayed henchwoman, "Paris" (Pom Klementieff), out of prison, while also convincing Degas to join his cause to prevent everyone, including the US government, from ever controlling the Entity. Reunited with pickpocket ally, "Grace" (Hayley Atwell), who now pretends to work for former bureaucratic IMF director turned CIA director, "Eugene Kittridge" (Henry Czerny), Ethan's team is now fully together and ready to bring down the Entity once and for all, thus preventing possible global extinction of all mankind.
Directed by the returning Christopher McQuarrie (Director of the last three entries in the franchise), who co-wrote the screenplay with Erik Jendresen (Who co-wrote the last film as well), "Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning" is may just be the biggest movie of the year in more ways than one. Whether it be the budget, the length, the scope, the story, the amount of actors, and just how much that happens in the movie, with so many intricate piece moving most of the time at once, it can get a little disorienting. This doesn't even include how many loose ends, call backs, and inclusions from previous films find their way into this one. I can't possibly see another movie topping the massive scale that this movie has, and because of that, it means that there are a couple of issues here and there. Maybe for a moment, there is too much going on or a couple too many tie-ins to something else from another one of the previous movies. We're not even going to get into the logistics of what's exactly plausible when it comes to separating real life from the movies (Gotta just go with it sometimes). All of this comes together in the most beautifully, artistically, and professionally constructed near mess that literally if it was made by anybody else, it would be a total disaster. Instead, what we get is what I can only describe as a flawed masterpiece, where the minor gripes aren't near enough to overshadow the commendable filmmaking on display.
McQuarrie, along with Tom Cruise himself, have crafted an insane, yet also insanely entertaining, near three hour action epic. I can already tell, it ain't gonna appeal to everybody, though you'd be crazy yourself not to commend in some capacity. From the word go, the movie jumps right in and doesn't take a moment to breathe, mostly because there really isn't any time to do so. It's not even just action. Sometimes, the movie just has to move fast, with impeccable quick editing (Having done some editing in my life, the editors must have had more patience than I do), rapid fire dialogue, and even just sequences of characters talking, whether it be explaining what's going on now or what's happened before, or just moving things along, taking time to stop likely would have killed the momentum. McQuarrie's direction is something to both admire and to fear, because to keep this level of enormity as grounded as humanly possible requires the kind of mental determination that no normal sentient being can have. It also takes real skill to make scenes of people just talking back and forth seem just as exciting as the most elaborate action sequence, along with cutting back and forth between other characters in possibly just as dire situations. And yeah, that can be too much to take in at times. Yet, god is it something else to see on the big screen. Especially when you're so drawn in by the infectious sense of adrenaline.
Of course, a lot of credit does need to go to Tom Cruise. That man may be a raving lunatic, but damn it, he's going to give it everything he's got to make sure the old fashioned joy of the cinema is still alive. It also helps that Ethan Hunt remains such a cool, likable action hero, who has reached Messiah levels of heroism by this point, though considering everything else he's been through over the course of eight movies, he kind of is (Let's see Vin Diesel do any of this in the "Fast & Furious" movies!). It also helps that Cruise seems to naturally just have chemistry with any actor on the screen, and boy, does this movie feature a huge ensemble made up of recognizable faces, returning from previous entries or otherwise. Hayley Atwell is effortlessly charming and beyond beautiful (Looking absolutely angelic in a couple key scenes. When you see it, you'll know what I'm talking about!), Ving Rhames is wonderful and warm, and Simon Pegg has rather seamlessly evolved from the comics relief into having his own action hero moments. A badass Pom Klementieff and Greg Tarzan Davis (Getting some nice elevation to the main cast) make for great additions to the team, while Esai Morales looks to be having a blast just being the most smug and most detestable villain this franchise has yet.
There are other excellent supporting performances from other returning characters, like a suitably shady Henry Czerny, Shea Whigham, Angela Bassett (as "Erika Sloane", the former CIA director, who has become the President of the United States), and a terrifically scene-stealing Rolf Saxon (as "William Donloe", the poor analyst from the first movie that found himself transferred to Alaska). We also get a who's who collection of other supporting cast members in small parts (That will at times suddenly turn big), which include Holt McCallany (as the pessimistic Secretary of Defense), Janet McTeer (as the Secretary of State), Nick Offerman (as the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff), an especially memorable Tramell Tillman (as "Captain Bledsoe", a submarine commander, who assists Ethan), Lucy Tulugarjuk (as "Tapeesa", Donloe's caring wife), Katy O'Brian (as "Kodiak", a member of Bledsoe's crew), and Hannah Waddingham (as "Neely", an admiral ally of Ethan's), who does a frighteningly perfect American accent, along with quite a few more recognizable faces.
"Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning" might not be this summer's objectively best film (I can see some, especially those who haven't followed the other movies as closely as some have), though it's certainly what should come to mind when you think of a Summer blockbuster. With creatively chaotic sequences that will become legendary (Such as Ethan traversing a turning, sunken submarine or the film's terrifying climatic plane battle), strong character moments and performances to match, and high stakes emotions, where not everything might work together perfectly, it culminates in the kind of filmmaking majesty that we'll likely never see again. I get why movies today would rather do things digitally, due to it being easier, faster, and safer, but seeing the real deal with your very own eyes, along with all the impeccable effort that went into making it happen, you just can't top that. It's the final, longest, roughest, most exhausting, anxiety inducing and heart stopping mission yet, and while I can see some not being able to completely accept it, I can't think of a possible better way this all could have come to a close. In Ethan Hunt, we trust. 4 1/2 Stars. Rated PG-13 For Death-Defying Stunt Work, Atrocious AI Anomalies, And The Fact That Movie Theaters Won't Be Providing Defibrillators To Use After The Movie. You Might Need It.