Eagan at the Movies

Reviewing movies because we care.

Dolittle                                             ★ OUT OF ★★★★

Related imageImage: Dr. Dolittle tries to make sense of his own movie.  

 It's in my expert opinion that what we have here isn't just really a bad movie. It's more like a sad one. It's the chopped up remains of a well intentioned, but misguided cinematic disaster of massive proportions. Audiences will be confused, critics will only live to decimate and ridicule, and everybody involved will just go home really depressed, due to not only will it fail, it will fail in a way that nobody will allow them to forget any time soon. That's probably the worst part about all of this. It didn't need to be this way, and yet, it's not so much surprising that it is. It's just....how did this go so wrong in the worst way possible? 

 "Dolittle" follows eccentric scientist and veterinarian, "Doctor John Dolittle" (Robert Downey Jr.), who has the ability to speak to animals. Previously a famed doctor, known throughout all of England, Dolittle has become a recluse after the death of his wife, closing himself off from the world with his colorful collection of animal companions. "Queen Victoria" (Jessie Buckley) has fallen gravely ill, sending her assistant, "Rose" (Carmel Laniado), to force Dolittle to find a way of saving her. Dolittle, deducing that only a rare and mystical fruit from a fabled island can save the queen, he embarks on an epic journey at sea with his friends. Dolittle's kooky crew consists of a wise parrot, "Polly" (Voiced by Emma Thompson), a worried gorilla, "Chee-Chee" (Voiced by Rami Malek), an Octavia Spencer duck, "Dab-Dab" (Voiced by Octavia Spencer), a bickering polar bear and ostrich, "Yoshi" (Voiced by John Cena) and "Plimpton" (Voiced by Kumail Nanjiani), a feisty squirrel, "Kevin" (Voiced by Craig Robinson), and a plucky kid, "Tommy Stubbins" (Harry Collett), who self-appoints himself as Dolittle's apprentice. The crew faces many obstacles, such as Dolittle's nefarious rival, "Dr. Blair Mudfly" (Michael Sheen), acting on orders of the Queen's traitorous courtier, "Lord Badgley" (Jim Broadbent), who plot to stop Dolittle from completing his quest.  

 Directed by Stephen Gaghan ("Syriana", "Gold"), or perhaps I should say "Partially directed by" instead, "Dolittle" has suffered from an identity crisis, in part thanks for countless reshoots from other directors such as Chris McKay ("The LEGO Batman Movie") and Jonathan Liebesman ("Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"). It doesn't help that the screenplay, co-credited to Gaghan, really doesn't seem to have the slightest clue who the audience for the film is. Everything feels misguided, and it all results in an explosion of uninspired storytelling, a lack of focus, unpleasant weirdness, and some of the worst editing I've ever seen in a theatrically released movie. It's baffling how this mangled corpse of a family film has been poorly stitched together and tossed into the January dumping ground in an attempt to salvage anything of value. The story's pace moves like a snail, while never letting up in the constant babbling of the many characters and the introduction of various plotlines going on at once. There is so much that happens over the course of what should of felt like a brisk hour and forty minutes, such as a scheme to kill the Queen, Dolittle's grief over his lost wife, Tommy popping up to contribute nothing, the animal characters who appear and disappear when the plot requires, and a whole side quest involving Dolittle's resentful father in law, "Rassouli" (Played by Antonio Banderas), that takes up the entire second act. I haven't even mentioned the part with the dragon (Voiced by Frances de la Tour), who Dolittle gives a colonoscopy to, resulting in a fart in his face. The film keeps going and never slows down, and yet, it feels so long at the same time. 

  The almost random, though still bland and derivative script just brings down all of the talented actors and actresses that have somehow found their way into the movie. (It's a lot like last month's "Cats", though slightly less ugly.) Robert Downey Jr., who is also listed as an Executive Producer, is trying his best to remain dignified. Sadly his accent is contentiously shifting, and while he still finds a way to retain some charm, his performance mostly requires a good amount of mugging. Harry Collett doesn't really do anything by the end, except add an extra few minutes of runtime, the recently Oscar nominated Antonio Banderas is left with an embarrassingly written part, and Jim Broadbent is wasted, having been given three scenes despite being the actual main villain of the film. Michael Sheen at least gets to play over the top evil, which is something he's exceptionally skilled at. The large ensemble voice cast do sound like they're having some enjoyment, such as Rami Malek, Octavia Spencer, Tom Holland (as "Jip", a glasses wearing dog), Selena Gomez (as "Betsy", a giraffe), Mario Cotillard (as "Tutu", a french fox), Jason Mantzoukas (as "James", a dragonfly, who just randomly enters the story halfway through). Most of them don't get much of a role, and some feel criminally underused, such as Ralph Fiennes (as "Barry", a violent, but depressed tiger). The more enjoyable voices being Emma Thompson, who will always be welcome no matter what she's in, and both John Cena and Kumail Nanjiani, delivering the closest to what this film has to offer when it comes to actual humor. The CGI effects at times look alright, but mostly don't end up meshing well with the live-action setting. This leads to some awkward and offputting shots and camera angles that you can tell are destined to be mocked for years to come. (The film's prologue, which is made up of a artistically stylish form of animation, only proves that the film would of been better off fully animated)      

 With conflicting tones, weak humor (Most of which is made up of goofy modern jokes, flatulence and antics), and zero originality, "Dolittle" is the kind of filmmakig travesty that you expect at this moment of the year. It's just that this one in particular hits a new low in a depressing fashion. It's one thing for a film just not to work on its own. It's another thing for it to have never stood a chance in the first place. My diagnosis? Dead On Arrival. January 16th. 7:00 P.M. Poor Tony Stark. 1 Star. Rated PG For Rude Jokes, Fart And Poop, And The Unforgivable Sight Of A Gorilla Kicking A Tiger In The Balls.   

Underwater                                       ★★ ½ OUT OF ★★★★

Image result for underwater 2020 movieImage: Kristen Stewart stars in "Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots:The Movie". Finally. 

 I think it's time that more movies start acknowledging a fact of life that everyone seems forget. The ocean is a terrifying place, and man was never meant to go there. It's dark and scary, there are some creepy beasts that want to eat you. And, not to mention, T.J. Miller. See? Terrifying.    

 "Underwater" follows the surviving crew of a large drilling corporation after an underwater earthquake cripples the entire station. The remaining crew members include the very capable engineer, "Norah Price" (Kristen Stewart), the captain, "Lucien" (Vincent Cassel), the funny guy, "Paul Abel" (T.J. Miller), the nice girl, "Emily Haversham" (Jessica Henwick), the nice guy, "Liam Smith" (John Gallagher Jr.), and the other guy, "Rodrigo Nagenda" (Mamoudou Athoe). With the station beyond repair, the survivors don their anime-esque diving suits to journey out onto the ocean floor to locate the control base and find a way to make contact with the surface. However, along the way, they find themselves being mercilessly hunted down by monstrous creatures of the sea, whose only mission is to rip the crew members to shreds. Norah and the rest of the crew must find a way to survive, eventually discovering more about what led to this deadly situation in the first place. 

 Directed by William Eubank (Known for more low budget films such as "Love" and "The Signal") with a larger scale and bigger ambitions than before, "Underwater" as you can tell by the plot, is essentially a rip-off of "Alien", except at the bottom of the ocean instead of space. It's funny how Hollywood refuses to avoid the formula that film originally had given us, and nearly completely following through with the most derivative of Sci-Fi Horror plotlines to the letter. You know where it all goes, who lives and dies, and there are sequences that could be seen as carbon copies of other work. The film does at least succeed at having an undemanding, yet oddly exciting watch, that occasionally is quite scary. Eubank takes things at a steady pace, allowing for the underwater atmosphere and tense dark lighting to create a sense of anxiety and dread to make up for the very predictable story. It's a beautifully creepy looking film, with some impressive visual effects. The creatures are especially cool looking, being give some mystery to their monstrous appearance, while also allowing just enough of a glimpse at them to unexpectedly terrify the audience. The film gives in to the urge to rely on jump scares, but they can on occasion be effective and the creatures unique design lends itself to a good enough scare. 

 The characters are tropes of the genre, yet the cast is game enough to make up for it, mostly thanks to Kristen Stewart. Having proven herself to be a great actress time and time again no matter the quality of the film she's in (The days of "Twilight" ended a long time ago people. Let it go already!), Stewart is a badass lead and carries the film in compelling fashion. Vincent Cassel is excellent, despite being obviously overqualified for this kind of material. There are solid performances from Jessica Henwick (Who plays scared witless very well), John Gallagher Jr. (Who is generally good no matter what), and even T.J. Miller, getting a couple admittedly funny lines. (Though his appearance in the film considering recent developments about his personal life makes things a little awkward) Meanwhile, Mamoudou Athie shows up to do well, the most obvious thing his character would be required to do. 

  Nothing original and aside from a minor (And pretty fun) twist, "Underwater" offers very few surprises. What we do get is well made, visually pleasing, and at times, successfully scary. It's the kind of horror that doesn't match the films it tries to emulate, though it fares better than those who fail on a more miserable level. It's nothing, pardon the pun, deep (The attempt at an environmental message aside), but something simple enough to enjoy on a rainy day.. It's the most you could ask for right now. 2 ½ Stars. Rated PG-13 For Scary Images, Aquatic Atrocities, And Lots Of Kristen Stewart Fanservice. Lots Of It. 

Like A Boss                                            ★ ½ OUT OF ★★★★           

Image result for like a boss movieImage "So we want a raise....And new agents."

 After a major film achievement like "1917" serving as reminder of how great a year 2019 was for film, moving back onto the rest of the infamous "January Dumping Ground" feels more uninviting than ever. Guess there has to be balance in the universe somehow, right?   

 "Like a Boss" follows longtime best friends, "Mia" (Tiffany Haddish) and "Mel" (Rose Byrne), owners of a well liked, but mostly failing beauty company. Mia is the more brash and open one, while Mel is more careful and tries to keep everything from falling apart. Once they realize that they're thousands of dollars in debt, the besties find hope when a big time cosmetics tycoon, "Claire Luna" (Salma Hayek), offers to buy a share of their company. Little do Mia and Mel know though, Claire schemes to steal the company from under them by pitting the two of them against each other. Mia and Mel must address each other's differences and other contrivances to save both their company and their friendship. 

 Directed by Miguel Arteta (Who has gone from lower scale, less mainstream films like "Chuck & Buck" and "Beatriz at Dinner" to um, whatever "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" was), "Like a Boss" is the kind of comedy that seems to have the idea that if it just spouts out whatever kind of vulgarity, lowbrow joke it can, it will automatically be funny. What we get is an unfocused mess that seems to be stuck trying to pad out a surprisingly short runtime. The movie just seems to stop dead for certain overlong jokes, minor characters riffing, or random shenanigans to distract from how thin the screenplay is. 

 While their characters act in needlessly moronic or selfish fashion whenever the point in the script seems to say so, Tiffany Haddish and Rose Byrne do at least make up for it with their actually pretty solid chemistry. I buy their almost sisterly relationship, and while you're not laughing at the humor on display, they are still a joy to watch. Salma Hayek is over the top, but she is having a lot of fun, and some of it does occasionally rub off on you. (Plus her accent is always wonderful to me.) There are way too many side characters in the film, from Jennifer Coolidge (as "Sydney", an employee of Mia and Mel, who keeps talking about her vagina), Karan "Dopinder" Soni (as "Josh", Claire's wormy henchman), Jacob Latimore (as Mia's enthusiastic lover), along with Ari Graynor, Natasha Rothwell, and Jessica St. Clair (as a trio of Mia and Mel's friends, who serve no purpose whatsoever). The only standout would be Billy Porter (as "Barrett", another employee, who Mia and Mel are forced to fire), who gets an amusing moment or two. 

 There's nothing wrong with some good comedy to carry how weakly put together plot, even when it's a little immature and bawdy, but "Like a Boss", just feels lost and confused. It's almost as if the filmmakers themselves were uncomfortable with themselves as the film tries its best to push things down a dirtier direction. Saying "F*ck" all the time though, doesn't necessarily guarantee laughs. The film avoids a few predictable narrative pratfalls (No romantic subplot, and the temporary friendship breakup is resolved halfway realistically), but it almost just helps prove that the film is struggling to get to feature length. Not the worst you could do right now. However, you're better off just seeing all of the Oscar hopefuls instead. 1 ½ Stars. Rated R For Language, Rude Humor, And Various Gentile Based Jokes

The Grudge                                                 ★ OUT OF ★★★★        

Related imageImage: It's 2020. We don't judge someones preferences.

 Here's how little I actually know about horror movies, I always thought "The Ring" and "The Grudge" were the same thing. Come on, I can't be the only one. Both are based on Japanese films, with scary looking girls with long hair, and only decreased more and more in quality the longer they went on. It's easy to mix them up.  

 A reboot of the 2004 Americanized remake of the 2002 Japanese film, "Ju-On" (This movie is essentially the "Frankenstein" of movies), "The Grudge" follows the recently widowed, "Detective Muldoon" (Andrea Riseborough), as she's partnered up with "Detective Goodman" (Demián Bichir). they investigate a mysterious and brutal death related to a previous case involving a supposedly cursed house, where a demonic spirit was brought over from Tokyo like a virus by a mother, "Fiona Landers" (Tara Westwood). The incident resulted in the gruesome murder-suicide of her entire family. Muldoon goes to investigate further, only to find herself cursed by the grotesque and vengeful spirit intending on driving her to madness. Throughout the film, we are shown flashbacks involving others who have been cursed by the house through the years. The interconnected stories include a married couple, "Peter" (John Cho) and "Nina" (Bett Gilpin), who are expecting a baby, along with a woman, "Lorna Moody" (Jacki Weaver), arriving at the house to lend assist an elderly man, "William Matheson" (Frankie Faison), and his seemingly dementia stricken wife, "Faith" (Lin Shaye), who is in reality seeing the ghost of a little girl. There's also some involvement from Goodman's previous partner, "Wilson" (William Sadler), whose investigation of the house years earlier have made him insane. Muldoon soon realizes that her life is now in danger, and she must find a way to stop the spirit's curse for good.   

 Time to start off 2020 like we start off every previous year, with a bad horror movie that's just going to maybe make back its budget the first week just before fading away into nothingness. Produced by Sam Raimi ("Evil Dead"), "The Grudge" does nothing to separate itself from the average scary demon story (Which should frustrate fans of the series), and does little to explain itself, leaving one who doesn't know about the series confused (Which should frustrate just about everyone else). Director and writer, Nicolas Pesce (who is known for very unique sounding horror films I've never heard of, such as "The Eyes of My Mother" and "Piercing"), seems to have an eye for something halfway decent. The film has a creepy look and appears to be attempting to let some real atmosphere sink in. These little moments are too far and in between, and mostly end up being subverted by a cheap jump scare immediately afterwards. It doesn't help that they're all scares that you've seen before, whether it be in better movies or just more memorable ones.

  A lack of originality and heavy amounts of predictability end up becoming the film's final downfall, ad turn it into something blandly forgettable, except this time in the worst way possible simply because of all the talent that seems to have ruthlessly dragged into the film. Great, versatile actors such as Andrea Riseborough and Demián Bichir are left to do what they can with the flavorless screenplay. The other non-linear storylines, while an apparent staple of this franchise, end up having little to do with each other, and all result in obvious outcomes. John Cho and Betty Gilpin have the best story, mostly just because the actors bring out enough emotional range to make it somewhat work. Lin Shaye plays strange very well, while Jacki Weaver seems to be here to make attempts at humor and William Sadler's storyline exists simply to deliver exposition. 

 Normally with something like "The Grudge", I'd chalk the film up to being just a lifeless, forgettable, cardboard cutout of a basic horror movie......And then the ending happened. You've seen any of the TV spots? You've seen the ending. No rhyme or reason for it to end this way, except because of a lack of imagination. It's a January released horror movie that belongs exactly where it is. We can only go up for here. 1 Star. Rated R For Grisly Images, Jump Scares, And Uncreative Twists.