Image: Yet another man fantasizes about Scarlett Johansson's voice.
Image: 4 Bad-Ass Americans.
Image: "ME MONEY!!!"
Image: I must destroy the Ninja Turtles!
Image: Stallone and De Niro sure have a lot of balls.
Image: The Secret Life of James Eagan. (I don't think you could handle it.)
Image: Walt Disney proposes to Emma Thompson.
Image: "So, James Eagan. You think you're man enough for Amy Adams?"
Image: That bird sure is making that Dino-SORE! (Crap, that's all I got)
Image: "Hey...I'm gonna' eat them hairy feet."
Image: Stop! Hammer Time!
What a true test of my prowess as a film critic. I have NO idea what "Oldboy" is. I guess it was an Manga graphic novel, made into a South Korean film, and, now, is a Spike Lee "Joint" (It's the only "Joint" I'll ever try. I'm a good boy.) So I hadn't a clue what to expect.
And after seeing it, I still have no clue. "Oldboy" stars Josh Brolin as, well, a complete and utter Jackass. He works as an ad executive, who treats everyone like crap (Particularly women). One day, he is abducted and locked up in a hotel room, where he is held for 20 years by Samuel L. "Mother F@#$ing" Jackson. They leave him a TV, where he sees a news story that his wife was brutally murdered, and that his daughter was given to a foster home. Mysteriously, he is eventually released, with a cell phone and a little money. It's all part of an elaborate game, by some wacko (Sharlto Copley) with a personal vendetta. He finds a young women (Elizabeth Olsen), who helps him discover who ruined his life and why, find his daughter, and have his revenge. And, boy is revenge bloody.
"Oldboy" is flat out weird, and very difficult to watch. It's brutally graphic (In every way. Josh Brolin's ass is permanently scarred on my horrified brain), with such disturbing themes, that I feel for the twisted son of a bitch who thought this stuff up. Having said that, Director Spike Lee makes it interesting, and kind of engrossing. His style is grainy and gritty, and the story keeps me engrossed enough to get me passed some of the messed up sh** I was watching. (Though it's kind of funny that every character barely ages throughout the 20 years.) J
osh Brolin (Who I have discovered is always really good), is excellent, and Elizabeth Olsen is pretty cute, though not given much to do. But the highlights of the film are easily the over-the-top performances by Samuel L. Jackson and Sharlto Copley, who make their outrageous characters a hoot to watch. Yet everything about "Oldboy" is just too much insanity to recommend to most audiences. But, if your'e into having your mind completely screwed with, then "Oldboy" will qualify. Just don't bring anyone who can't handle anything so graphically absurd. 2 1/2 Stars. Rated R for Everything You Can Imagine. And Then Some.
Image: Ready! Fight! In the red corner, Jason "The Growler" Statham.
In the blue corner, James "The Smirker" Franco. In a violent duel to the death. Then why is "Homefront" so, bloody dull?
"Homefront" stars Jason Statham as an American undercover Cop with a British accent, who helps take down a big time Meth dealer (Chuck Zito). In the ensuing chaos, the Meth dealers son is riddled with a million bullets, leaving Statham to reconsider his profession. A few years later, he and his daughter (Izabela Vidovic) move down to Methville, Louisiana, where she beats the crap out of a bully. The bully's Meth headed, redneck mama (Kate Bosworth) gets her Meth dealing brother (James Franco) to try and scare them. But Franco finds out that Statham is a former Cop who took down a Meth kingpin, the wanna-be Meth lord enlists every lowlife in Louisiana to try to kill Statham.
But, as we all know, no amount of dumb rednecks are a match for Jason Statham. It's a predictable action movie plot, but "Homefront" has potential, with scenes that feel like it's genuinely trying for something more. But the Sly Stallone penned script (Yep, you read that right) is preposterous, never deciding if it should be taken seriously enough as anything more than a hodge podge of other silly action movies. The actors really are trying in "Homefront". Jason Statham is a reliable action hero, and James Franco brings way more to the film than the script deserves. The little girl is very good (Clearly an action star in the making), and Wynona Ryder is fine as Franco's girfriend.
The action scenes vary from pretty good to frenetic, and too many characters are cliches, though, as always, it's kind of fun to watch a bunch of trashy rednecks get their asses kicked (Is there something wrong with me?) "Homefront" is no way as bad as some critics say, but it's still too generic and typical to be taken seriously. "Statham vs. Franco?" "Written by Sly Stallone?" You gotta' live up to the hype. 2 Stars. rated R for Graphic Language and Violence to Spare.
Image: My Halloween costume next year.
Image: Where's the Fashion Police when you need them?
Image: "The Four Tops". Or, The "Temptations". (Old People References).
Image: "When do I get my Spin-Off?"
Image: If Tron mated with Judge Dredd.
Image: "How many Oscars have we won?"
Image: 2013 Academy Award winner, Chiwetel Ejiofor.
Image: "I know what I'm having for Thanksgiving!"
Image: "Look at my hair. You can trust me!"
Image: Ted Cruz told me THIS is what will happen with Obama Care.
Image: Don't you hate it when your Wiki leaks?
Image: You mess with Tom Hanks, you mess with America.
Image: "Hey! Hey! I'm In Space. SPAAAAAAAACE!"
Image: Scarlett Johansson....Oh, and some guy.
Image: "Marlboro", sponsor of Lung Cancer.
Image: Yep. It's as bad as it looks.
Image: Hugh Jackman does NOT feel like singing.
Image: I gotta get Vin Diesel's 3-D glasses.
Image: Lily Collins is cute. But "The Mortal Instruments" suck.
Image: Simon Pegg's mouth has been edited for this review.
Image: Butler gone, but pocket still there?!
Image: Steve Jobs: Porn Star.
Image: Batman and Robin, if they shopped at Goodwill.
Image: Dane Cook. Because Owen Wilson wan't available.
Image: MAATT DAAAYMIN!!!!!!
Image: Satan also gives "Percy Jackson" only 1 1/2 Stars.
Image: Denzel and Wahlberg, blowing through their paychecks, before beginning filming of "2 Guns".
Image: Gargamel proposes to Smurfette in Paris, as she shows off her sparkling engagement ring.
Image: For you, ladies, in case you didn't know what James Eagan looks like.
Image: Jeff Bridges has INDIGESTION!
Image: This snail can't drive 55.
Image: Adam and company, clearly laughing at another film.
Image: The "Kaiju" battles Adam Sandler for world box-office supremacy.
Image: The Lone Tonto.
Image: An unchaperoned Minion party gets out of hand.
Image: Oh Goodie!!! I'm going to blow up the Earth, with my Space Modulator!!!!
Image: My little one-eyed monster, and his two sacks.
Image: Superman is taken into custody after sharing NSA secrets.
Image: Want to spend The Rapture with these guys?
Image: The Google Crashers.
Image: The Alien can sense Box Office doom.
Image: My High School Senior Graduation Photo (I'm the yellow one on the left).
Above: Benedict Cumberbatch breaks wind.
Image: Here's looking up your old address.
Image: Iron Man: 1965-2013
Image: So that's what The Rock is cooking? .......ew
Basically, "Pain and Gain" is a long, unpleasant and hard to watch film. But if Michael Bay thinks (Somewhat justifiably) that this is his career masterpiece, well then good for him. Now stop making movies. 1 1/2 Stars. Rated R for All Around, R Rated Nastiness.
Image: Morgan Freeman gives Tom Cruise his Anti-Scientology rehabilitation treatment.
Image: He's safe!!! At the Box Office.
Image: She doesn't look Alien to me.
Image: Kim Kardashian is not the worst thing in this movie. I S@#$ You Not!
Image: The Croods watching their favorite film, "The Flinstones".
Image: BEST! COSTUME! PARTY! EVAH!
Image: James and Casey Eagan, at the local talent show.
Above: Oz and his gang watch in horror at the Great Munchkin Massacre of 1905.
Image: Three cases made for raising the drinking age.
Image: "I bet he tastes like chicken."
Image: Your'e a mean one, Mr. Snitch.
Image:"Nope. No intelligent life here."
Image: Josh Duhamel and Julianne Hough, ruining love.
Image: "This License proves that we're in the wrong movie."
Image: Me, walking home in shock, after seeing "Hansel and Gretel".
Above: I hope my sister and I can be Witch Hunters, too.
Image: HEY BENNY! SCHROOOOWWWWW YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!
Image: Sean Penn as The Grinch.
Above: Jessica Chastain and her symbolic shadow.
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